On turning 33 and what's bothering me

I turned 33 this weekend, and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.

On one end of the spectrum:
Last night I nearly had a meltdown over being “almost 40.” For context, a few days ago, Brett and I had just been discussing how the last decade seems to have flown by. As we pondered how we’ve been married 5 years, working at Echo Ranch 7 years, and Brett moved back to Juneau 10 years ago, we realized that it has gone by quickly. We were both feeling like our 20’s should have been just yesterday!

So when I had the “lightbulb moment” of realizing the next 7 years will likely pass just as quickly, I had a moment of panic and wailed, “I’m not ready to be almost 40!”  

On the other end of the spectrum:
I recently read about the current cultural trend of making 33 a year of personal growth. Based on the fact that Jesus died and resurrected at age 33, some are calling it a “Jesus Year,” but the basic idea is young adults are designating this age as the year to get their life together, to focus on personal growth, to stop coasting and start pedaling. Of course a “Jesus Year” is not taught in the Bible, but the idea seems to be somewhat popular in mainstream culture right now. I find it interesting that people are acknowledging the significance of Jesus’ 33rd year, and thereby being motivated to grow up and make positive life changes in their own. It’s a flawed concept, but not a bad one.

While I know there’s no special magic to 33 or any other number, I am moved to view my upcoming year through these lenses of intentionality and purpose, and to ask the Lord for His vision for my next 365 days. If time is flying and 40 is indeed fast-approaching, then it’s a good time to take a look at my life and make sure I am living it well. So far, my list of hopes for the year ranges from losing weight to writing a book!

Emily P Freeman is one of my favorite authors / podcasters, and today I read this quote from her:

” ‘What’s bothering you’ could be the most revolutionary question we ask ourselves. What’s bothering us is actually the starting point for all meaningful change we’ve ever made.” 

So, as I ponder the growth I would like to see in my own year of being 33 — and beyond — perhaps this is the question I’ll ask: what’s bothering me? In my circumstances, in my relationships, in my soul, in the world around me, what do I want to see changed? What does the Spirit, God-within-me, want to change? When I consider being “almost 40,” what should be different? Who knows what ideas, goals, and lasting change might sprout from that seed of a question!

It’s going to be a good year.

How to be Amazing at the Things that Matter

 Earlier this summer, Brett and I attended the memorial service for a man who attended our church. A husband, a daddy, a friend and brother, an Army veteran, a hero, a man of God… his passing shook our community.

As I, alongside friends and fellow church members, grieved the massive loss to his wife, children, and family, there was one line – spoken by his brother – that took hold of me, challenged and inspired me.

“He became amazing at the things that were important to him, because he refused to waste time on things that were not important to him. “

You see, this guy was pretty awesome at a few specific things, like his heroic work in the military, his outdoor adventuring skills, and his dedication to his family. It could be easy to look at his life and say, “Wow, what an exceptional guy. Wish I could be awesome at stuff.”

His brother’s pointed statement was not only a testimony, but a challenge to all of us in the room. It gave away the secret: If we would choose to focus time and attention on the important things, and refuse to waste time on the unimportant things, we could excel at those things that matter to us.

What is it that matters to you? What do you wish to excel in, but seem to lack the time or focus?

For me, it’s writing.

I’ve literally been writing fiction stories since kindergarten. I probably wrote dozens, if not hundreds, of short stories while growing up — some finished, many unfinished, some in written-paragraph form, some in comic style, some typed on a huge old desktop computer, some with pencil and notebook paper.

I placed in essay contests, started my first blog in high school, and had my first magazine article published at 19. As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a writer. Friends and family have told me for years that I should write a book, and truly, it’s one of my life goals.

Yet, as a busy adult with a full-time job, a husband, and a social life, I find that I’ve let writing slide to the back burner. My poor blog gets one or two posts per month. When I go to my “fiction writing” folder on my computer, I find that the last time one of my projects was even opened was April of 2018 (a year & three months ago).

So when I heard that inspiring statement– “He became amazing at the things that were important to him, because he refused to waste time on things that were not important to him”— I had to ask myself the hard questions: “What is important to me that I’m neglecting, and what is not important that I’m wasting time on?” Writing was the first answer, and the second answer was, well, several things. Social media and Netflix being the top two.

And so, it’s something I’m going to aim to change. Because someday, there will be a memorial service for me, and life is too short and precious to waste on unimportant things. It’s time to become amazing.

What’s your answer?

Domestic Infant Adoption: First Steps

 

In this sporadic and indefinite blog series, I am sharing bits and parts of the adoption process, with three goals: first, to provide updates to people in our lives who are interested. Second, to educate; to share what’s involved and what we’re experiencing and help people understand the adoption process better. And third, to hopefully encourage and provide some guidance to others who may be considering adoption or walking this road a few steps behind us. 

This installment in the series is for those who have made the decision to pursue a domestic infant adoption  and who are wondering what their first steps should be. At this point, everything is exciting and utterly overwhelming! I hope to provide you with a few guidelines to help you navigate your first steps toward adopting a baby.

• Choose your agency, attorney, or consultant.

I’m not trying to scare you, but this is a BIG choice and there are a LOT of options. There are so many things to consider when choosing your adoption provider. First, let’s talk about the differences between agencies, attorneys, and consultants.

An adoption agency is a business that typically handles your whole adoption process, from home study through finalization. They work with both hopeful adoptive parents and birth parents, and handle the matching process. Depending on the size of the agency, they might complete anywhere from 10 to 300 matches per year. Agency fees are typically pretty high, but again, they are a “one-stop” option that takes care of everything.

An adoption consultant helps you network with more than one agency, so that you get exposure to more expectant mothers. The consultant charges a flat fee to basically be your guide or go-to person during your adoption — they will provide you a list of the agencies they network with, help you find someone to do your home study, and answer your questions along the way. Once you’re matched with an expectant mother through one of the agencies, you’ll then owe agency fees to them as well.

An adoption attorney may work as an independent or with a law firm. This option generally provides you with less hands-on guidance along the way. You’ll probably need to find someone to complete your home study before you can be “on file” with an attorney as a prospective adoptive parent.

As you research your options, you’ll find that there are many, many adoption providers out there! To help with the decision, you should determine your criteria, and then ask questions like these:

-What is the typical cost of an adoption?
-Do they work with families in your state / specific situation?
-What is their average wait time?
-What services do they provide for expectant/birth mothers?
-Do they require any training upfront?

I recommend Googling reviews for each provider you are considering, and be sure to read reviews from birth parents as well as adoptive parents. How an agency treats expectant/birth mothers is very important, if you want to do this ethically! In addition, as you read their websites, take a look at the portion of the website that is aimed toward mothers making an adoption plan for their baby. What does it convey? Is it respectful and loving? Is it coercive? This should factor into your choice, too.

Image by Free Photos from Pixabay

• Start your home study.

Depending on your choice of adoption provider, the home study will likely be provided by your agency. If not, you’ll need to find a social worker or home study writer who you can independently contract with. Ask your agency, consultant, or attorney for recommendations. You could also check with your local child services office. I have another post on the home study for you to read when that time comes!

• Discuss what you’re open to.

The question will likely be on your agency application, and will definitely be part of your home study: what types of situations / children are you open to? I’ll go ahead and say it: this is a HARD conversation, but a necessary one. You and your spouse will need to deeply and honestly consider your openness to:
-gender
-ethnicity
-special needs
-drug exposure
-future contact with birth family

Image by rawpixel from Pixabay

• Start collecting photos for your family profile.

Your family profile is what will be shown to expectant mothers to help them choose the family they want to adopt their baby. It’s a summary of your life and who you are, in photos and a few paragraphs! Your agency, consultant, or attorney will give you guidelines for creating a profile book. Some want only a front-and-back page. Our consultant asked us to make a 25-page book!! You can start by going through your recent photos (the past 2-3 years; keep it current!) and choosing favorites that represent your family and what your life is like. If you don’t have very many photos, get out your phone and start capturing those everyday moments!

• Share your news ( or don’t ).

You might be bursting to shout your news from the roof tops, or you might prefer to keep it private for now. Either way is fine, but be sure you and your spouse are in agreement on WHO you tell and WHEN. For us, we waited until we were accepted to an agency before telling anyone.

 

Starting the adoption process is overwhelming. I hope these tips will help give you some direction for taking your first steps. Above all, keep praying over your adoption journey, and your future baby and his/her birth mama. Invite people you trust to join you in prayer over these BIG decisions you need to make. And just take it one step at a time!

De-Stressing Christmas

Happy Christmas season, dear reader!

As we all shop and wrap and decorate and hurry about, I wonder, how is your heart this season? What thoughts or worries are consuming your mind? What obligations are demanding your attention? What are you rejoicing in? What are you mourning? Are you hurrying too much? Resting too little? What do the meditations of your heart turn to when you unplug the tree lights and go to bed at night?

This morning my pastor’s message was titled “De-Stressing Your Holiday,” and he spoke of Mary and Martha. He reminded us that we don’t know the result of what Martha did that day — Scripture doesn’t record how clean her house was, what she made for dinner, how many people came over, or if her cheesecake turned out right. No one knows. But Mary… “Mary has chosen the good portion [of all the things she could have chosen to focus on!] and it will not be taken from her.”

I wanted to share a few things with you that give life and rest to my soul in the holiday season, and help me to focus on what’s really important.

• Emily P Freeman’s ‘The Quiet Collection’ podcast. While the deadline has passed to sign up for this daily installment of Christmas reflections, I encourage you to look up Emily’s regular podcast, “The Next Right Thing.”  Each episode is only about 15-20 minutes long, so totally doable even in a busy day. Emily’s voice is lovely and soothing, and her messages so gracious.
• Christmas lights in my window. So simple, but it’s something that brightens both my living room and my soul. Especially here in Alaska when it gets dark in the middle of the afternoon this time of year, something as simple as framing my windows with Christmas lights becomes something beautiful and uplifting.
• JJ Heller’s Christmas album. I’ll be honest, this plays in our home year-round! We just love JJ Heller’s voice and songwriting. Her songs Christmas Is Here and Star of Wonder are my favorites.
• Shopping small. Yes, shopping can be part of the stress of the season. But for me, knowing that the money I’m spending is going to a family, to someone’s dream, to a kid’s first trip to Disneyland, it makes me feel good about the gifts I’m purchasing.
• Darigold Egg Nog. Hey! We can spend the rest of the year watching what we eat, right? I am a firm believer in egg nog at Christmas! It’s a once-a-year treat, and whatever yours is — sugar cookies? cider? fruitcake? — I think the calories are worth being extra kind to yourself this time of year.
• The Word of God. This fall I got to hear Lauren Bourne speak at a conference, and on the topic of the Bible being our spiritual food, she said, “The Word of God is not just a salad; it’s meat and potatoes and bread.” The Word — if we let it — really satisfies and sustains us. So in the midst of holiday parties and trips to the post office, I am trying to make sure I sit with the Lord and get into His Word.

May your heart find quiet and rest this Christmas week, my friend!

The Home Study (it's not a white-glove test!)

 

In this sporadic and indefinite blog series, I am sharing bits and parts of the adoption process, with three goals: first, to provide updates to people in our lives who are interested. Second, to educate; to share what’s involved and what we’re experiencing and help people understand the adoption process better. And third, to hopefully encourage and provide some guidance to others who may be considering adoption or walking this road a few steps behind us. 

 

For many people, the adoption home study seems intimidating, maybe even terrifying. Expectations cast the image of a stranger coming into your home to inspect your cleaning habits, decorating tastes, and how many millimeters of dust are on your book shelf…. and on top of that, asking probing personal questions about your life!

I don’t think anyone finds that a pleasant idea.

Today, I just want to dispel a few myths and, if you’re dreading your home inspection, hopefully put your mind at ease. I’ve also noticed that many people don’t realize there is more to the home study than the home inspection, assuming the two are synonymous, and I want to share what all the home study entailed for us.

 

Celebrating our official home study approval!

1. The home visit is just one piece of the home study puzzle.

The home inspection is the part most people get hung up on, but there is so much more! The purpose of a home study is to get a FULL picture of who you are as a person/couple/family, in order to determine if you’re ready to adopt and what type of child will best fit into your family.
Here’s the including-but-not-limited-to list of what we had to complete for our home study:

-Health history forms
-Physicals and bill of health from doctor
-Financial Statement (including figuring our net worth as a couple)
-Autobiography questionnaires
-Five personal references
-Letter of employment
-Background checks and fingerprinting
-Child abuse clearances
-oh yeah, and the home visit!

2. The visit is not a white glove test.

The social worker doesn’t want or expect your home to be spotless and gorgeous. She wants to see who you are and what your home is like! There are no cookie-cutter families. The advice we were given was to clean up the house as though someone was coming over for dinner (but also going to peek in all your bedrooms!). So, you know – put away the laundry, run a vacuum over the carpet, clean the toilet. Basic stuff. The social worker will want to see all the rooms of your home to get a feel of the layout and any potential safety concerns, but she is not there to judge your housekeeping habits.

If you already have children, they will likely expect your house to be child/baby-proof (outlet covers, chemicals locked away, etc). Since we don’t have kids yet, our social worker only wanted to know that we understood baby-proofing and that we had plans to take care of it by the time she comes for a post-placement visit.

3. Yes, there will be probing personal questions.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But it’s part of the process. Through both the autobiography questionnaires and the in-home interviews with the social worker, we were asked our childhoods, our families, how we were raised and disciplined, our marriage (including what first drew us to each other, how we communicate, and what kind of things we have conflict over), any previous relationships prior to each other, our physical health, our spiritual views and values, our thoughts on adoption…. the list goes on.

Some people are offended by having their personal lives so deeply investigated in this process. Is it all necessary? Probably not. No one gets so thoroughly interviewed before giving birth to a child, right?! But as it stands, this is a necessary part of the adoption process. So we roll with it.

Besides, it’s kind of interesting to read your own life history written through someone else’s perspective!

4. Be yourself, because nothing is new under the sun.

One of the things that surprised me most about our in-home interview was how many times I heard the social worker say, “Oh yes, a family I visited last week told me the same thing” or “I worked with another family who also [fill in the blank].” It put me at ease, really, knowing that as a home study writer, she has practically seen it all. Nothing we said took her off-guard, even quirky things about our life that we thought would be weird or embarrassing.

Just remember there’s nothing new under the sun, and if your social worker has been doing this for long, she’s probably seen it all, too. So be yourself, be real, and don’t try to sugarcoat your life. They want to know who you really are, and their goal is to help you grow your family through adoption.

 

The home study – and the home visit – is a big, time-consuming part of the adoption process. But it’s not as scary as it might seem. My biggest advice? 1) Be real. 2) Don’t stress out. 3) Be prepared for a lot of forms and give yourself plenty of time, because paperwork will be your full time job for a few weeks!

The Decision to Adopt

 

I’ve been asked several times if I’m going to blog about our adoption journey. While I honestly hadn’t even thought about, I guess the answer is yes. I won’t blog about every detail, but I will share bits and parts of the process, with three goals: first, to provide updates to people in our lives who are interested. Second, to educate; to share what’s involved and what we’re experiencing and help people understand the adoption process better. And third, to hopefully encourage and provide some guidance to others who may be considering adoption or walking this road a few steps behind us. 

 

The Decision to Adopt

Near the end of November 2017, we sat on our couch, filled out a little online form, and paid an application fee, a three-hundred-dollar confirmation that we were committed, that we were really doing this thing.

This thing: adopting a baby.

It was quick and simple, but it felt momentous. Clicking that submit button was the culmination of what God had been working in us for the past weeks, months, even years. This was the “official” beginning of our adoption efforts — the start of the endless online forms and the first three hundred of many, many hundreds — but our journey to adoption had begun long before, in tearful prayers and hard conversations, in broken hearts and disagreements and hope and research and surrender.

And at this crossroads in the journey, when we moved from talking to doing, we knew – without a doubt – that God was calling us to adopt. The road signs were clear; He left little room for doubt. So, despite being slightly terrified, in trust we took the first step.

Deciding to adopt isn’t a quick or easy decision. It’s life-changing… I would venture to say, even more life-changing than deciding to try to get pregnant. Both, hopefully, result in adding a baby to your family. But along with that baby, adopting also brings a stressfully-indefinite waiting period (could be weeks, could be years), enough paperwork to make filling out paperwork your full time job, thousands of dollars of expenses that insurance doesn’t cover, a whole second family – your baby’s biological family – to navigate relationships with, and the challenge of bonding with a child you didn’t give birth to. There is so much more to it than “getting a baby.” So it’s not a decision to be made lightly.

 

In my humble and barely-experienced opinion, here are a few specifics to consider if you are thinking about growing your family through adoption:

> Consider the magnitude of what you will take on. See the points above – the time, the emotional investment, the challenges. Adopting truly is a journey, not a one-time event. Ask yourself whether you are mentally and emotionally ready to take this on.

> Consider your motives. Adoption is NOT:  an easy way to have a baby, a cool thing to do, or a good deed to “rescue” a child.

> Consider the cost. I don’t think the financial cost should stop anyone from adopting, if that’s the direction you are being led, but it is something to take into consideration. You may need to use a large portion of your savings, and if you don’t have $20k-50k lying around, you’ll need to commit a decent amount of time to fundraising and/or applying for grants.

> Consider where you are in your fertility efforts, if applicable. Moving your focus from trying to conceive to trying to adopt can be a hard mindset shift. Give yourself time to recover and refocus before making a decision about adoption. This cannot be an in-the-moment, emotional choice made when a fertility treatment fails.

> Consider your spouse’s stance. It often takes time for both spouses to be on the same page about adoption. My husband and I were on different pages for months, and yes, it’s hard for the one who is ready and just waiting for the other to catch up! But it’s so worth it to both be in total agreement as you take this life-changing step. Pray for unity. Don’t rush it.

> Consider God’s leading. God’s heart is for adoption. His heart is for orphans, for childless mamas, and for families. He finds adoption beautiful. But it’s also true that not everyone is ready, able, or called to take this step. We each have a different journey that the Lord is leading us on. Seek Him, and He will make it clear to you what is His calling for your family.

A Moment in the Mom Club

Today I experienced a “first.”

I went to a baby clothing/gear store, specifically to shop for me. Not for someone else’s child. For my baby. It was a little surreal.

Sure, I’ve browsed the baby section of the local superstore, while shopping for a gift for someone else, and mentally picked out things for my someday-future-baby. I’ve even actually ordered a couple of things online for our hopefully-soon-to-be-adopted baby. Knowing our adoption wait time could be as short as a few weeks or as long as a year, I’m trying to be very practical about not “putting the cart before the horse,” so to speak, but being prepared with a few basic supplies.

But there was something different, something surreal, something almost sacred, about actually walking into the store called Mommy-n-Me, not for any other reason but to find something for my baby.

It almost felt like I didn’t belong… but almost felt like I did.

I browsed the newborn pj’s, and I tried on a couple of baby carriers to see how they fit me.

A nice lady who was shopping the preschool toy section nearby told me she had gotten that brand of carrier for her last baby, and it was so great, she wished she’d gotten it sooner. She said, “I don’t know how big your baby is, but it will stretch as they grow” … like I had a baby and it was already here.

In that moment, I felt like part of the club I’ve longed to be in for the last two years – the mom club. Two years of feeling out of place at social gatherings, having nothing to contribute to conversations among girlfriends, and generally feeling like the “only one” not part of the mom club… a moment in a store chatting about baby carriers with a stranger, and I felt a sense of belonging.

And it was just that – a moment. A mere second on the timeline of my waiting season. My wait to be a mom to a living child stretches out behind me and before me.

The fellowship of this season is both bitter and sweet, because I’m not the only one waiting and longing. There are so many women sharing this journey, and the pain of it is raw and real, but the camaraderie is blessed and comforting. I know that joining the “mom club” won’t change or define my identity, my worth, or my happiness. Nor will adopting a baby take away my membership in the “infertility club.” This is part of my story. This is the road I’m walking. These are my sisters.

Yet, for today – for that brief, sweet moment – I savor feeling like a mom. It was like stepping one foot into a new place, a new role; cautiously feeling it out, to see what it might be like.

I think it will be a good fit.

He Gets Me

Today I’m really thankful that God “gets me.”

You know what I mean?

I don’t have to put on a show or a happy face for Him. No need to pretend. He can see through my facades anyway, so it’s not worth trying to force it.

He gets me. He gets when prayer is hard or I don’t have much of anything nice to say. He gets when I’m not in the mindset to do my “scheduled” reading but instead just need to sit and journal my thoughts to Him. He gets when my emotions don’t match what I know is true, and I’m struggling to trust.

And the beautiful thing is, He’s not at all interested in my masked prayers or obligatory Bible reading. He wants me. My heart and soul. My frustrated scribbly journal prayers. My eager future plans jotted across a notebook and laid at His feet. My questions and ugly cries. My time to sit down and engage in Bible study when I’m ready to receive the encouragement and conviction it offers. My dance parties in the kitchen when I’m full of joy for no particular reason.  My breaths of relief and gratitude for a friend who understands. My admission of my true feelings to Him. That’s what He wants… not my good-christian-checking-off-the-boxes show.

He gets me. And I’m finding that when I grasp that, and live out my relationship in light of that, I feel so free and He feels so near. Because our relationship is built on truth instead of obligation. If I am real with Him, I am open to Him being real with me.

Hiding from the Holidays

 Dear Waiting Heart,

Take a deep breath. The holiday season is here. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and chances are you’re on your way to a relative’s house, or relatives are piling into your house, or you’re gathering with your friend group or church — somehow, you’ll find yourself surrounded by happy people who seem to have everything they want.

And there you are, loving your people, but somehow feeling alone in the crowd. 

Because there’s your little sister hanging on the arm of her husband, beaming with newlywed bliss… while you’re wondering whether your Mr Right will ever show up, or if maybe you’re somehow not marriage material.

Because there’s your cousin showing off her chubby baby to everyone, exhausted from sleepless nights but oh so happy as a new mommy… while you had yet another negative pregnancy test this morning.

Because there’s your sister-in-law, who just landed her dream job and is so excited for a new and exciting chapter in her life, knowing she’s exactly where she’s meant to be… while you feel lost and aimless, running into closed doors everywhere you turn.

Because there’s your friend, glowing after the announcement that she’s expecting her second baby… while you ache for just one, but your husband isn’t ready yet.

I know what it feels like. Holidays are hard. I understand feeling like the odd one out, the only person in the room who doesn’t have her life together, whose prayers haven’t been answered. I get the awkward moments, the probing questions, the jealousy, and then the guilt over being jealous. And I understand that sometimes, you just want to run away and hide from it all.

But dear waiting heart, today I encourage you — Don’t run. Don’t hide.

Can I share two things with you that I’ve learned recently?

The first is that those people aren’t the enemy. As Christ-followers, we do have a very real enemy, whose mission is to steal, kill, and destroy {John 10:10}. But your enemy is not the girl who got engaged and married while you were still waiting for your boyfriend to propose. Your enemy is not the woman who got pregnant right after you had a miscarriage. Your enemy is not the people who ask dumb questions and make insensitive comments. Your enemy is not your husband or your mom or your coworker. Your enemy is the one who tries to take your eyes off Jesus and turn your heart against those people! He is the enemy you need to fight — not your friends and family.

The second is that it’s healthy to surround yourself with what you’re praying for. My friend Caroline at In Due Time shared this with me. All of the “self-care” things you’ll read will tell you that it’s okay to hide when it’s hard to be around those people, that it’s fine to pull away from relationships when they have what you want and it’s too painful. What Caroline shared with me was counter-intuitive to that: Surround yourself with what you want. Your newlywed sister and her husband? Hang out with them. Listen to what their married life is like. Ask them what they’ve learned from marriage. There’s such benefit in observing those who go before you. Your cousin and her new baby? Hold that baby, feel his warmth and breathe in his sweet, baby-bath scent. It might be painful, but it can also be soothing to your soul. Let it be a springboard for your prayers as you ask God to do for you what He did for her. 

The holidays are fully upon us, and when you’re in a waiting season, these days can bring as much heartache as joy. When the hard moments happen, hold on. Don’t run away. You are strong and courageous {Joshua 1:9}, and hope is an anchor for your soul {Hebrews 6:19}. You are not alone {Isaiah 41:10}…. and believe it or not, you do have much to be thankful for this year!

Happy Thanksgiving, sweet friends.