How to Help a Friend Going through Miscarriage

A few months after we lost our first baby, a friend sent me a private message on Facebook, asking my advice about how to encourage another friend of hers who had just suffered a miscarriage. “I’m sorry if this isn’t an appropriate question,” she wrote, “[but] I’m curious as to what were the most encouraging things other people did for you.” 

It was absolutely an appropriate question, and I was so glad she asked! One of the biggest reasons Brett and I chose to be open about our loss was so we could help and encourage others going through the same thing.

Miscarriage is far more common than you might think – the estimate is that 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss. So the chances are high that, at some point in your life, someone you know will go through this tragedy. My hope in this blog post is to give you a few simple, sound suggestions for how to help when a friend tells you, “I lost my baby.” 

1. Recognize That She’s In Pain, And Realize It’s A Big Deal That She Shared It With You.

Many, many, many women suffer miscarriage very early in their pregnancy, often around 6 or 8 weeks pregnant. If they had not announced their good news yet, often they will keep the miscarriage quiet, too, grieving in silence. There is a sort of stigma around early pregnancy and miscarriage, in which our culture tells us we should “keep it a secret.“ That’s a topic for another day, but suffice it to say, if your friend opens up and shares her loss,

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realize that is a big deal, and it took a lot of courage.

 

You also need to realize that your friend is in pain. If you haven’t experienced this type of loss yourself, you may not understand grieving for a baby you never knew, a baby who was no bigger than a pumpkin seed. But to your friend, it was her baby. She is a mother. She loved that little pumpkin seed from the moment she saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. And she is absolutely going through every stage of the grieving process.

2. Don’t Avoid Her. Even If It’s Awkward.

In the days and weeks following my miscarriage, there were quite a few people who felt uncomfortable around me and didn’t know what to do or say, so they simply avoided me. Maybe they assumed I wouldn’t want to be bothered. I don’t know, but the avoidance hurt. It felt like they didn’t care, or like maybe they thought I was contagious or something.

So the people who braved the awkwardness were so incredibly encouraging. I’m sure it was uncomfortable for them, but pushing beyond their own comfort zone, they came to ask me how I was doing, to hug me, to cry with me, to keep inviting me to things even though I kept saying no.

I know it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. But please, don’t avoid her. She needs you right now.

3. Know What NOT To Say.

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Some of the things people frequently say to a grieving mom really are just not helpful at all. There are several articles around the internet that highlight what not to say, so I won’t take the time to repeat. This post and this one are two good ones to check out. Trust me – I heard many of these platitudes and more, and they’re much better left unsaid!

4. Put Yourself In Her Shoes, And Reach Out To Encourage.

If you were in her place, what would you need or want from your friends? What would be comforting and encouraging?

People reached out to me in different ways. Some were unafraid to take the risk of asking me how I was feeling. Others simply offered silent hugs or hand squeezes. A few friends crafted a beautiful handmade card and left it at my front door. One friend came over and brought me a stack of chick flicks, knowing I wouldn’t feel like getting out much for a few days. Several people sent cards in the mail. Like I mentioned above, some would invite me to join game nights or hikes or trips to town, and even though I said no for a while, it was really nice to know I wasn’t forgotten.

5. Keep Remembering And Keep Talking.

Knowing that people care is huge after a miscarriage, and even more so in the weeks and months following. I can tell you from personal experience that, after a while, the bereaved mom will feel like she is the only person in the world who still thinks about her baby. She will feel like everyone else has moved on and forgotten, like life continued on as if nothing ever happened. Occasionally, she will feel guilty or embarrassed that she still thinks about her baby so often. She may feel pressured from other people around her to “get over it.“

This is when your friend needs to know that you remember, and you care. A hugely

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encouraging moment for me was receiving this text from one of my best friends:
“I just wanted to tell you that you’ve been on my mind today. I know this month would have been baby’s due date month, and I want you to know I’m praying for you!” I also received several cards and messages from people on Mother’s Day, acknowledging that I’m a mom even though I don’t have a baby on earth.

You bringing up your friend’s baby is not going to make her suddenly remember her loss and get sad. Believe me, her baby is never far from her mind; you aren’t going to remind her of something she’s forgotten. On the contrary, you talking about her baby will mean the world to her! It’s just good to know that someone else remembers and cares.

 

Have you had the opportunity to encourage someone after a loss? How did it go or what did you learn from it? 
Mamas who have lost babies – what else would you add to this list? What has someone done for you that was especially encouraging? 

The Collateral Beauty

 Merry Day After Christmas, friends!

I hope each of you, lovely readers, had a Christmas full of peace, joy, and good memories to cherish. Wherever you are today on The Day After – back to work or still relaxing with family – I hope you keep savoring the laughter and the spirit of yesterday even as you march ahead into the final week of 2016.

I must admit, I was apprehensive about this Christmas. This was my hubby’s and my third Christmas together, but our first with just the two of us. We’ve already traveled to visit both of our families earlier this fall. We spent a several hours on Christmas Eve with some good friends, but the rest of the holiday was up to just us.

And that wasn’t bad, really. It was different, from growing up in a home that is very family-centered and all about our holiday traditions. But I was kinda excited to have our first – of probably few – quiet Christmas and begin to explore and develop our own traditions.

The part that made my heart ache was remembering that, if we hadn’t lost our baby last year, we would have a 10-month-old this Christmas. Last holiday season, it was “I would’ve been 7 months pregnant now,” and that was sad, but okay. I had hope and expectation that I’d be expecting again by the next Christmas. But this year, with no baby, and knowing it could have been our first Christmas with a little one – crawling all over the house, pulling at the ornaments on the tree, learning how to open presents – those thoughts badgered my hurting heart in the days leading up to Christmas.

But God….

He is so kind. Because Christmas Day was lovely, and full of blessings, and my heart was light. He fills my life with good things!

Hubby and I got up and had Cinnamon Roll Casserole for breakfast (a twist on my family’s tradition of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning) and sausage and homemade espressos.

We went to church, saw some friends we haven’t seen in a while, and I held my friend’s three-month-old baby boy during church. He was adorable, drooly, smelled so sweet, and – rather than invoking sadness – filled up my heart with happiness. Church was small and intimate, since many people were away on Christmas morning. The chairs were in a small semi-circle, the guitars acoustic with no microphones, the brief sermon interactive and conversational.

After church, hubby and I came home and opened our gifts. Lots of blessings, lots of fun, lots of things we legitimately needed or wanted. Much to be grateful for.

Hubby’s best friend called then, and last-minute invited us over for lunch. We had an enjoyable visit with their very welcoming family.

The afternoon held naps, FaceTime with my family, and then in the evening, we ventured out to the theater (with our complimentary passes; thanks friends!) to see the new Will Smith movie, Collateral Beauty.

Yeah – here’s the title of today’s blog post that, after 500 words, I’m finally getting around to talking about. But it all ties together in the end.

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you should make plans to. It’s dramatic and emotional, certainly more of a crying movie than a laughing movie. But it’s thought-provoking, deep-conversation-starting, and so good.

The message behind the story is simply that good things can come out of pain. Inspiring the title, the quote that stands out the most is when, in a conversation with a grieving woman whose child is dying, a character urges her, “Just be sure to notice the collateral beauty.” 

I love that phrase. The concept is not new, but I feel it gives a name to what we’ve been living and experiencing over the past year-and-a-half. Good has come from the loss of our first baby and struggles with health this year. Growth in ourselves, conversations we would never have had otherwise, the ability to relate to people with similar sufferings, ministry grown out of pain. 

Will Smith’s movie put a name to this season of my life: Collateral Beauty.

So the Day After Christmas, my heart is full and content, grateful for the kindness and blessings of my Heavenly Father. Hopeful for the week ahead and the year ahead. I pray yours is, too. Apologies for the long post and thanks for reading! Hugs! 🙂

Date Night Idea: Breakfast Date

In this series of posts, I’ve been sharing some of our favorite, affordable date night ideas. In case you missed them, the first two ideas were:

Date Night Idea #1 – Built a Fort
Date Night Idea #2 – Arcade!

Today’s idea is simple: go out to breakfast! 

 

For most of us, when we think of going on a date with our significant other, we think of going out to dinner — maybe dinner and a movie. Dinner is great, but it can get expensive. An appetizer, a nice meal, add on the salad bar, drinks, dessert…. the dollars add up fast.

Breakfast, much of the time, can be a bit of a cheaper option. Not to mention, it’s just something different than the usual.

There is a range of choices here, depending on you and your beloved’s breakfast preferences, how much you want to spend, whether or not you’re a coffee connoiseur, etc.

You could take your first meal of the day together at a fancy restaurant with gourmet pancakes, scones, and mimosas,

at a Waffle House with a delicious truck-stop breakfast and simple black coffee,

or at a locally-owned coffee shop with espresso and giant muffins.

Even if you don’t consider yourself a morning person, it can really be fun to wake up and start your day together with your man. Maybe on most days you shovel down breakfast and rush off to work, or one of you eats breakfast and the other doesn’t, or your schedules just don’t mesh that way. The opportunity to begin the morning sharing a meal together can be great!

What do you think? Does a breakfast date sound fun to you?

freedom to feel

Mourning and Dancing. I am doing a #shereadstruth Bible study this month on Mourning and Dancing. Over the weekend, we were instructed to spend time praying and reflecting over Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4:

There is an occasion for everything,
and a time for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I wanted to share the prayer I wrote in my journal this morning as I reflected on this…

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom, and Holy Spirit, today I pray for the freedom to feel. To fully experience both the laughter and the tears, both the mourning and the dancing. I don’t want to hide or stifle my emotions, or to get stuck at one extreme or the other. 

Lord, you have ordained both, and both are used for Your purposes. There is a time for everything. Help me submit to You in that, and to walk faithfully with you through both the joy and the sorrow, and even when the two are inter-mixed.

In every season, help me be in tune with Your heart and with those around me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, but let me also rejoice in Your plan, Your kingdom, Your work, Your salvation. May I rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. And God, may I be open and vulnerable enough to allow others to rejoice and weep with me. 

Amen. 

How have you experienced this topic– mourning, dancing, the intermingling of the two? The freedom to feel, and to allow others in on it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

How I'm Pursuing God

 We all know it, there are seasons when it’s difficult to pursue God, or to maintain a growing relationship with Him. For whatever reason – whether it’s busyness, pain, distraction, or complacency – we somehow get off track, and it takes a lot of focused effort and intentionality to get back on track again.

I’ve been in one of those seasons recently, and these days are the ones of intentionally pursuing Him again.

Are you there, too? Or do you need to be there?

Here are some ways I’m pursuing God right now:

• Reading through the Psalms. I struggle with knowing what to read in the Bible. Admittedly, there are days I can just pick it up, let it fall open, and read something incredible that speaks to me. But more often, I need a focused reading plan, something to give me direction as I read.Right now that’s a reading plan called “30 Days in the Psalms.” This plan gives 3 or 4 Psalms to read through each day, each based on a theme like Blessing, Confidence, Doubt, or God’s Power. It has been helpful to focus on a specific attribute or topic each day, rather than just reading through the Psalms in chronological order.

• Writing down what stands out. I have a note on my smartphone that’s simply a running list of quotes or thoughts that have spoken to me, that I want to remember. Some of them come from sermons or Bible studies, others from emails or things people have said to me. Anything that specifically stands out, grabs my attention, or that I think – God is saying something to me in this, I write it down immediately while I still remember it, so I can come back later and contemplate it more deeply.

• Trying to grasp the Gospel. The Gospel – the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ – is the basis for our faith, our joy, our spiritual life. That’s a fact we would all agree with. But at times I get complacent with it, and it becomes just a Sunday School story that I quote and nod my head to, and it doesn’t make a real difference in my daily life.I’m not the only one, right?

  So lately I’m asking God to make the Gospel real to me again, to remind me what His death on the cross and resurrection to life did for me, and still does for me today. I want to keep that always in front of me.

• Trusting His promise. The Bible says that those who seek the Lord will find Him. That’s a promise, and we can stand with all our weight on His promises. This one tells me that it’s not my responsibility to find God – that’s His end of the promise. My part is to seek Him. To pursue Him. His part is to be found. To meet me in the middle. To come out of hiding and say, Here I am.

  So I want to be faithful to do my part to seek Him with all my heart (Jeremiah 29:13), trusting that He will be faithful to do His part to show Himself to me.

• A new Bible study… And if any of you lovely ladies would like to join me, I’m planning to participate in the new Bible study coming out from She Reads Truth on July 18th, called “Mourning and Dancing.” Note: It’s not required to purchase the book, you can read the study directly from their website or phone app.

 

Thanks for reading. Feel free to share in the comments or send me an email: how are you pursuing God these days? 

Not qualified, but here I am.

{Originally published on Be Still Waiting Heart}

It’s funny how God puts you right where you need to be, even when you’re completely unqualified to be there.

At camp this summer, the program staff is implementing a worship night where campers will rotate to different “stations,” with a devotion and activity at each station focused on a specific aspect of the Christian life, such as forgiveness, identity, thankfulness, etc. Various staff members were asked to lead the different stations.

Brett and I were asked to lead the station focused on prayer. 

Now I know it sounds bad to say “I’m not good at prayer…” but it’s kind of true. Neither of us are super comfortable in or great at praying aloud. We’re certainly no experts on the subject. I know, personally, that my prayer life has been suffering recently, as I struggle to make daily alone time with God.

Let’s just say, we both feel pretty unqualified to lead a devotion on prayer. 

And yet… that’s where the Lord placed us.

So tonight, we led this thing for the counselors and summer staff, as they’re going through their Orientation this week. They were divided into 3 groups for the rotations, and with each of the 3 times we went through the devotion and focused prayer time tonight,

the truth of the words sank a little deeper into my heart.

I became a little more convinced of the words I was saying.

And the Spirit of the Lord in that room grew a little sweeter. 

Though I feel like the totally wrong person for the job, I look forward to continuing to lead campers and counselors in prayer for the rest of the summer. God knew this was where we needed to be, not only to teach others, but just as much or more, for our own prayer lives.

Not qualified. But here I am. Ready to learn.

Bachelorette Party Photo Scavenger Hunt

 It’s getting to be that time of year — wedding season!

And with weddings, come bridesmaids… and bachelorette parties!

Whether you’re the bride, the maid of honor, or a bridesmaid, don’t let the idea of a bachelorette party scare you. Often, these celebrations are associated with strippers, lots of alcohol, inappropriate games, and the bride’s “last big hurrah” before settling down to married life.

It doesn’t have to be like that.

A bachelorette party can be clean and fun. 

If you Google “Christian bachelorette party,” you’ll get a pretty good mix of ideas — some fun and some super cheesy — from spa days to slumber parties to movie nights to camping trips, and more.

My glamorous sister!

When my sister got married a few years ago, I was her maid of honor and in charge of planning her bachelorette night. After lots of research and thought, we decided to go with a photo scavenger hunt!

Wanna know how we did it?

Okay. Here we go.

Who gets invited?

This is really up to the bride! My sister included her bridesmaids, a couple of other good friends who would be serving cake and punch at the reception, and the wife of her fiance’s best man (they had traveled in from out of town for the wedding). If you’re the planner, ask the bride who she wants at her special night.

Add the extra bling

Bachelorette parties seem to have this obligatory thing where the bride has to be wearing a fake veil, a tiara, a sash that says “BRIDE” in rhinestones, etc. It’s kind of obnoxious… but also kind of fun. If you think your bride is up for it (ie, not completely mortified), I say go with it. It’s her once-in-a-lifetime bachelorette party, right?!

Schedule for the evening

We started with supper at about 5 or 6 pm. To ease the budget a bit but still have a nice meal, we ate at Ruby Tuesday’s, where we happened to have several “buy one get one” entree coupons.

In front of the restaurant where they went on their first date

After supper, we designated one person to be our driver and all piled into one vehicle together, then we were off on our photo scavenger hunt all over town!

Once we had completed all the items on the scavenger hunt list (see below), we went back to the bride’s apartment, where we had snacks and played Catchphrase for a while.

It turned out to be a really fun evening, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves!

The Photo Scavenger Hunt List

Here is the list we used for our bachelorette scavenger hunt. I gleaned ideas from several different lists I found online, and combined them to make my own unique scavenger hunt. We had so much fun that I’ll share it here, so you can use it too, if you like!

1. 

   Searching for “sexy” lipstick names

   1. a coin from bride’s birth year

   2. lipstick with sexiest name
   3. the bride wearing bling-y sunglasses
   4. one team member modeling a wedding dress
   5. the whole team sharing one soda, with separatestraws
   6. visiting the location of the couple’s first date
   7. one team member kissing a mannequin
   8. the whole team with a really cute guy
   9. the whole team in one bathroom stall
   10. something purple [or their wedding color]
   11. video the bride asking a couple married 25+ years for their advice for a successful marriage

 

Date Night Idea: Arcade!

 In this series of posts, I’m sharing some of DH’s and my favorite date nights! Another of our favorite dates to date (see what I did there? haha) was an afternoon at the arcade.

Maybe that sounds a bit childish to you. It would to me, too, at first. But I have to admit, this was a really fun afternoon with my hubby.

The arcade we went to is inside a pizza restaurant. We didn’t get any pizza this time, but just got something to drink and hung out in the arcade. It was fun to let both our competitive sides and our childlikeness come out to play!

A few tips for an arcade date: 

• If you can, go during the day so that it’s less likely there will be lots of kids around.
• Decide beforehand on the amount of money you will spend on games. It’s easy to get carried away with those tokens! As an example, you could set a budget of $15 for game tokens and $10 for drinks and snacks. That will get you an afternoon of fun, laughter, and competition!
• Don’t worry about what other people think. Loosen up and just have fun! Challenge your hubby to a ski-ball tournament or a best-two-out-of-three air hockey championship. Laughter is good for the soul…and the marriage.

Laughter is good for the soul…and the marriage.

What do you think? Would you take your significant other on an arcade date? 

Lord, Send What it Needs!

 

I’m using Streams in the Desert as my daily devotional these days. Yesterday morning, this little story was part of the devo:

“I need oil,” said an ancient monk; so he planted an olive sapling. “Lord,” he prayed, “it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers.” And the Lord sent gentle showers. “Lord,” prayed the monk, “my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray Thee.” And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. “Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues,” cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. “I, too, planted a little tree,” he said, “and see! it thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me.

I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. ‘Lord, send what it needs,’ I prayed, ‘storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. Thou has made it and Thou dost know.'”

I don’t know about you, sister, but that was a lesson I needed when I read it yesterday.

At first, I was nodding right along with the monk’s prayers: yes, Lord, I need the good and the bad in order to grow; send me the rain, the sun, and the frost.

We’ve all heard that lesson. Some of us, in the early 2000’s, sang along with MercyMe, “Jesus bring the rain!” It’s a familiar concept that we need trials and hardships for our spiritual growth.

Then I got to the part where the tree died. I was taken aback. Even a little appalled. What?! After all that care, God let the tree die?! God, how could You?

Maybe I felt appalled because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to believe and nurture and pray over something, only to have to watch it die. Do you know what that feels like, too? It feels like being let down and betrayed by God. It feels horrible.

But keep reading.

This other monk has the answer that redeems this story. He knows the lesson we all need to be reminded of when we’re hoping and praying over something.

I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no conditions. I fixed not ways or means. Lord, send what it needs.

He who made your body and your health knows what it needs.

He who made your marriage knows what it needs.

He who made your family knows what it needs.

He who put the desire and the calling in your heart knows how to fulfill it.

He who placed you in this circumstance knows how to redeem it.

He who created your longing, waiting heart knows what you need.

And He doesn’t need us to tell him how to do it. 

Lately, I find myself anxious over my circumstances, and as a result I end up trying to control those circumstances. I’m striving to “fix it” myself, while telling God what I need Him to do. How silly. Do I really think I know the situation better than my Lord and Creator does? Do I really think I have any control?

Lord, send what it needs, is my prayer today. Thou hast made it and Thou dost know.