To My Single Friends on Valentine's Day

 My dear friends who are single today,

Hey. Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.

First, I want to start by saying this is not a generic letter. I’m not writing to some hypothetical single girl who I imagine might read this post. No, I’m thinking of you – my sweet single friends. I could call you by name, and in fact, I already did this morning. I spoke your names to the Father, one by one, and asked Him to help you feel loved, cared for, and full of hope today.

I’m so thankful to have each of you in my life! Whether we’re close friends today, or we haven’t kept in touch lately, somewhere along the way you’ve been an important part of my life. With some of you, I walked the single journey side-by-side for a while, with all its rejoicing and bemoaning, wondering and dreaming, laughing and weeping. Some of us had a secret Never Been Kissed Club (you know who you are!). I treasure each one of you.

 

“Put a ring on it!” Our single girls Valentine’s Day party a few years ago.

 

I know Valentine’s Day can be hard when you don’t have someone to share it with. Really, it’s just a silly, commercialized holiday, but at the same time, it’s a day when you’re bombarded with hearts, flowers, cheesy Facebook posts, engagement announcements… reminders that “everyone else” has what you don’t have.

And sometimes the single life seems unbearable and never-ending. I get it. I didn’t start dating my husband until I was twenty-seven. The single journey, despite the unique blessings and joys it carries, is hard. 

And days like Valentine’s Day can amplify that.

So today, I really don’t have any magic words for you, because I know you’ve heard it all. You’ve heard all the well-meaning advice, and I know you don’t want to hear

“God has a plan…”
“He’s preparing the right man for you…”
“Enjoy your freedom…”
“Singleness is a gift…”
“It will happen when you stop looking…” 

Really, there are two things I want to tell you today. The first is this: Please don’t ever believe that you are somehow less-than or not-arrived because you are unmarried. I know married people can often make single people feel that way, but it’s just not true.

You have worth as a person. You have wisdom and experience that is unique to being a single woman in the world today. You have purpose. Your friendship is a blessing. You have valuable gifts to offer. Your journey matters.

So never think that because you aren’t married, you haven’t “arrived” in life yet. Singleness is a season and marriage is a season, and both are priceless.

And second, I want you to know what I’m praying for you today:

• That you feel inexpressibly loved. Because you are! Loved by a Heavenly Father and a Savior who died for you, literally moved heaven and earth and gave everything to be with you. Loved by your family. Loved by your friends. Loved by countless people whose lives you bless, and you don’t even know it.
• That you believe God’s plans for you are so, so good.  Even if today, it feels like He’s forgotten you. Even if today, you feel lonely, stuck, and hopeless. Dare to believe, dear friend, that He is working together all the details and creating a story so beautiful, you’ll be utterly amazed as you see it unfold.
• That you are filled up. Not lacking. Not feeling like something is missing. That you are full of joy, full of hope, full of purpose, full of love.

Sweet friends, you’re on my heart and in my prayers today. I love and appreciate each one of you so much! Be encouraged and go spread some love today, wherever you are.

What Matters in the Marching Mess

 I have kept my mouth shut this past weekend regarding Trump’s inauguration and the Women’s March… largely because I’ve been processing, figuring out what I feel about it, organizing my response in my mind before blurting it out my mouth. I’ve kept quiet because I didn’t want to simply jump on the nearest bandwagon, or say something I would later regret, or needlessly offend someone by speaking out without a fully developed viewpoint.

So I’ve spent the weekend taking it all in and processing it – reading news articles, reading blogs, reading Facebook posts from people on various sides. Discussing the issues with my husband. Writing this post a few sentences at a time. Trying to discern the truth amidst all the untruth.

And mostly, I’ve been sad. Appalled at the hate and anger screaming in the streets and screaming all over the internet. Wondering at how people can “march for love and tolerance” and yet verbally rip apart anyone who disagrees with them. Incredulous at some of the things being demanded. Grieving for the utter selfishness and lostness portrayed in our beloved nation this weekend.

To me, all of that is far more tragic than a crude-mouthed President or any rights that anyone might be lacking.

Selah’s song “Unredeemed” has been playing in my head today, and especially the line: “We live in the shadow of the Fall.” That truth is so painfully evident right now, isn’t it?

I realize there were many people attending and supporting these marches across the country who are simply and sincerely concerned: about immigrants who could be forced from their homes; about their homosexual friends; about the health plights of women in poverty. Their care and concern for others is commendable. 

But in reality, those few marching for unselfish reasons were loudly and hopelessly overpowered by the ones shouting profanity, hate, entitlement, and the desire to kill their unwanted babies.

Matt Walsh phrased it perfectly in his article on TheBlaze:

It’s fair to say that once a political demonstration cites baby murder as a fundamental value, nothing else it stands for really matters. I cannot take a march seriously after it has professed an affinity for child killing, just as I cannot willingly consume your homemade chocolate cake after you inform me that fecal matter is one of its ingredients. (see full article here)

I also know that there are people who truly feel threatened by and afraid of what the new President stands for. They fear their safety, privileges, freedoms, and lifestyle being taken away, and for some, those worries may turn out to be legitimate. I do not discount these precious individuals and their fears. They are unique, beautiful humans, created in the image of God, loved by Him… and their stories matter.

But – I can promise you that our God cares far more about their souls than about their LGBTQ rights.

He is much more concerned about their eternal salvation than which side of the border they live on.

He would much rather see them embrace forgiveness and mercy than demand rights and retribution.

He longs to heal the hurts of their hearts, no matter what pain may have brought them to this point.

Shouldn’t that be our desire, too? If we are followers of Jesus, shouldn’t our burden for hurting people be for their life to be healed and transformed by God…. not for their right to equal wages or free birth control?

Let’s focus on what truly matters in this mess, friends.

Yes, the new President has made some terrible remarks about women and minorities. The words are sickening and I don’t support that. Yes, some people will lose their access to affordable health benefits. It will feel painful and unfair. Yes, this is a world in which women must live in constant awareness of our surroundings and potential dangers. I don’t think there has ever been a time in history when this wasn’t true. And yes, our country is ripping itself apart at the seams, as people choose to be destructive instead of to respectfully disagree, and scream and fight for their own wants in the name of “love.”

But let’s ask ourselves what matters, ultimately.

• In the end, it’s all in God’s hands: the fate of the nation, the heart of the President, your life, my life, their lives.
• In the end, my calling as a Christ-follower is to trust God with everything and pattern my life after Jesus – which absolutely includes loving people, but not the style of “love” demonstrated this weekend.
• In the end, all of this chaos will fade away when we stand before God our Judge, and all that counts is whether we know Him and whether we told others about Him.

So I’m not judging Christians who participated in the march – and I know several personally who did. I’m simply saying, sisters, let’s think about what we’re standing for (and what it looks like we’re standing for), and let’s focus on what truly, eternally counts.

 

You are welcome to politely agree or disagree. Please refrain from rude comments, but I would love to hear your opinion!

Psalm 13: How Long, O Lord?

 

This morning I was in the shower, praying about what topic I should write on today. But I was coming up blank – zero inspiring ideas. Finishing my shower, I pulled on some comfy fleece leggings and my favorite tshirt, snuggled cross-legged into my glider chair (yes, I’m such a grandma), and opened my Bible to where I’m reading in Psalms.

Psalm 13:

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? 

It starts off a bit depressing, doesn’t it? But I could identify with the writers’ feelings.

I certainly wasn’t drowning in depression this morning, or feeling overtaken by the enemy. It was just a normal morning. But often, in the midst of normal, there can be a sorrow hidden deep in the heart, and these silent questions underlying our days – how long, O Lord? 

You know what I mean, don’t you?

It’s the single woman, longing for the husband she’s been praying for.
It’s the woman who feels lonely without true friendship in her life.
It’s the one stuck in a complicated situation and wishing for simplicity.
It’s the wife who feels isolated from her husband.
It’s the woman who can’t have children.
It’s the mom whose children are far from the Lord.
It’s the one dealing with a long-term illness.

There are so many possibilities, so many circumstances that could be the source of our sorrow and our questions. You have yours, and I have mine. Sure, we aren’t continuously depressed, but if we get quiet and look deep, the “how longs” are there.

But I love how Psalm 13 ends:

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
My heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

(emphasis mine)

I have trusted in God’s faithfulness, and I will continue to trust.

I will rejoice. No matter what. I will rejoice when He comes through for me and answers my prayers, but I will rejoice until then, too.

He has been good to me. Already – even with unmet desires and unanswered questions – He has already blessed me so much.

So I keep singing, praising, and trusting… because no matter where I am, He is good!

How to Help a Friend Going through Miscarriage

A few months after we lost our first baby, a friend sent me a private message on Facebook, asking my advice about how to encourage another friend of hers who had just suffered a miscarriage. “I’m sorry if this isn’t an appropriate question,” she wrote, “[but] I’m curious as to what were the most encouraging things other people did for you.” 

It was absolutely an appropriate question, and I was so glad she asked! One of the biggest reasons Brett and I chose to be open about our loss was so we could help and encourage others going through the same thing.

Miscarriage is far more common than you might think – the estimate is that 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss. So the chances are high that, at some point in your life, someone you know will go through this tragedy. My hope in this blog post is to give you a few simple, sound suggestions for how to help when a friend tells you, “I lost my baby.” 

1. Recognize That She’s In Pain, And Realize It’s A Big Deal That She Shared It With You.

Many, many, many women suffer miscarriage very early in their pregnancy, often around 6 or 8 weeks pregnant. If they had not announced their good news yet, often they will keep the miscarriage quiet, too, grieving in silence. There is a sort of stigma around early pregnancy and miscarriage, in which our culture tells us we should “keep it a secret.“ That’s a topic for another day, but suffice it to say, if your friend opens up and shares her loss,

image source

realize that is a big deal, and it took a lot of courage.

 

You also need to realize that your friend is in pain. If you haven’t experienced this type of loss yourself, you may not understand grieving for a baby you never knew, a baby who was no bigger than a pumpkin seed. But to your friend, it was her baby. She is a mother. She loved that little pumpkin seed from the moment she saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. And she is absolutely going through every stage of the grieving process.

2. Don’t Avoid Her. Even If It’s Awkward.

In the days and weeks following my miscarriage, there were quite a few people who felt uncomfortable around me and didn’t know what to do or say, so they simply avoided me. Maybe they assumed I wouldn’t want to be bothered. I don’t know, but the avoidance hurt. It felt like they didn’t care, or like maybe they thought I was contagious or something.

So the people who braved the awkwardness were so incredibly encouraging. I’m sure it was uncomfortable for them, but pushing beyond their own comfort zone, they came to ask me how I was doing, to hug me, to cry with me, to keep inviting me to things even though I kept saying no.

I know it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. But please, don’t avoid her. She needs you right now.

3. Know What NOT To Say.

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Some of the things people frequently say to a grieving mom really are just not helpful at all. There are several articles around the internet that highlight what not to say, so I won’t take the time to repeat. This post and this one are two good ones to check out. Trust me – I heard many of these platitudes and more, and they’re much better left unsaid!

4. Put Yourself In Her Shoes, And Reach Out To Encourage.

If you were in her place, what would you need or want from your friends? What would be comforting and encouraging?

People reached out to me in different ways. Some were unafraid to take the risk of asking me how I was feeling. Others simply offered silent hugs or hand squeezes. A few friends crafted a beautiful handmade card and left it at my front door. One friend came over and brought me a stack of chick flicks, knowing I wouldn’t feel like getting out much for a few days. Several people sent cards in the mail. Like I mentioned above, some would invite me to join game nights or hikes or trips to town, and even though I said no for a while, it was really nice to know I wasn’t forgotten.

5. Keep Remembering And Keep Talking.

Knowing that people care is huge after a miscarriage, and even more so in the weeks and months following. I can tell you from personal experience that, after a while, the bereaved mom will feel like she is the only person in the world who still thinks about her baby. She will feel like everyone else has moved on and forgotten, like life continued on as if nothing ever happened. Occasionally, she will feel guilty or embarrassed that she still thinks about her baby so often. She may feel pressured from other people around her to “get over it.“

This is when your friend needs to know that you remember, and you care. A hugely

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encouraging moment for me was receiving this text from one of my best friends:
“I just wanted to tell you that you’ve been on my mind today. I know this month would have been baby’s due date month, and I want you to know I’m praying for you!” I also received several cards and messages from people on Mother’s Day, acknowledging that I’m a mom even though I don’t have a baby on earth.

You bringing up your friend’s baby is not going to make her suddenly remember her loss and get sad. Believe me, her baby is never far from her mind; you aren’t going to remind her of something she’s forgotten. On the contrary, you talking about her baby will mean the world to her! It’s just good to know that someone else remembers and cares.

 

Have you had the opportunity to encourage someone after a loss? How did it go or what did you learn from it? 
Mamas who have lost babies – what else would you add to this list? What has someone done for you that was especially encouraging? 

The Collateral Beauty

 Merry Day After Christmas, friends!

I hope each of you, lovely readers, had a Christmas full of peace, joy, and good memories to cherish. Wherever you are today on The Day After – back to work or still relaxing with family – I hope you keep savoring the laughter and the spirit of yesterday even as you march ahead into the final week of 2016.

I must admit, I was apprehensive about this Christmas. This was my hubby’s and my third Christmas together, but our first with just the two of us. We’ve already traveled to visit both of our families earlier this fall. We spent a several hours on Christmas Eve with some good friends, but the rest of the holiday was up to just us.

And that wasn’t bad, really. It was different, from growing up in a home that is very family-centered and all about our holiday traditions. But I was kinda excited to have our first – of probably few – quiet Christmas and begin to explore and develop our own traditions.

The part that made my heart ache was remembering that, if we hadn’t lost our baby last year, we would have a 10-month-old this Christmas. Last holiday season, it was “I would’ve been 7 months pregnant now,” and that was sad, but okay. I had hope and expectation that I’d be expecting again by the next Christmas. But this year, with no baby, and knowing it could have been our first Christmas with a little one – crawling all over the house, pulling at the ornaments on the tree, learning how to open presents – those thoughts badgered my hurting heart in the days leading up to Christmas.

But God….

He is so kind. Because Christmas Day was lovely, and full of blessings, and my heart was light. He fills my life with good things!

Hubby and I got up and had Cinnamon Roll Casserole for breakfast (a twist on my family’s tradition of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning) and sausage and homemade espressos.

We went to church, saw some friends we haven’t seen in a while, and I held my friend’s three-month-old baby boy during church. He was adorable, drooly, smelled so sweet, and – rather than invoking sadness – filled up my heart with happiness. Church was small and intimate, since many people were away on Christmas morning. The chairs were in a small semi-circle, the guitars acoustic with no microphones, the brief sermon interactive and conversational.

After church, hubby and I came home and opened our gifts. Lots of blessings, lots of fun, lots of things we legitimately needed or wanted. Much to be grateful for.

Hubby’s best friend called then, and last-minute invited us over for lunch. We had an enjoyable visit with their very welcoming family.

The afternoon held naps, FaceTime with my family, and then in the evening, we ventured out to the theater (with our complimentary passes; thanks friends!) to see the new Will Smith movie, Collateral Beauty.

Yeah – here’s the title of today’s blog post that, after 500 words, I’m finally getting around to talking about. But it all ties together in the end.

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you should make plans to. It’s dramatic and emotional, certainly more of a crying movie than a laughing movie. But it’s thought-provoking, deep-conversation-starting, and so good.

The message behind the story is simply that good things can come out of pain. Inspiring the title, the quote that stands out the most is when, in a conversation with a grieving woman whose child is dying, a character urges her, “Just be sure to notice the collateral beauty.” 

I love that phrase. The concept is not new, but I feel it gives a name to what we’ve been living and experiencing over the past year-and-a-half. Good has come from the loss of our first baby and struggles with health this year. Growth in ourselves, conversations we would never have had otherwise, the ability to relate to people with similar sufferings, ministry grown out of pain. 

Will Smith’s movie put a name to this season of my life: Collateral Beauty.

So the Day After Christmas, my heart is full and content, grateful for the kindness and blessings of my Heavenly Father. Hopeful for the week ahead and the year ahead. I pray yours is, too. Apologies for the long post and thanks for reading! Hugs! 🙂

Date Night Idea: Breakfast Date

In this series of posts, I’ve been sharing some of our favorite, affordable date night ideas. In case you missed them, the first two ideas were:

Date Night Idea #1 – Built a Fort
Date Night Idea #2 – Arcade!

Today’s idea is simple: go out to breakfast! 

 

For most of us, when we think of going on a date with our significant other, we think of going out to dinner — maybe dinner and a movie. Dinner is great, but it can get expensive. An appetizer, a nice meal, add on the salad bar, drinks, dessert…. the dollars add up fast.

Breakfast, much of the time, can be a bit of a cheaper option. Not to mention, it’s just something different than the usual.

There is a range of choices here, depending on you and your beloved’s breakfast preferences, how much you want to spend, whether or not you’re a coffee connoiseur, etc.

You could take your first meal of the day together at a fancy restaurant with gourmet pancakes, scones, and mimosas,

at a Waffle House with a delicious truck-stop breakfast and simple black coffee,

or at a locally-owned coffee shop with espresso and giant muffins.

Even if you don’t consider yourself a morning person, it can really be fun to wake up and start your day together with your man. Maybe on most days you shovel down breakfast and rush off to work, or one of you eats breakfast and the other doesn’t, or your schedules just don’t mesh that way. The opportunity to begin the morning sharing a meal together can be great!

What do you think? Does a breakfast date sound fun to you?

freedom to feel

Mourning and Dancing. I am doing a #shereadstruth Bible study this month on Mourning and Dancing. Over the weekend, we were instructed to spend time praying and reflecting over Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4:

There is an occasion for everything,
and a time for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I wanted to share the prayer I wrote in my journal this morning as I reflected on this…

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom, and Holy Spirit, today I pray for the freedom to feel. To fully experience both the laughter and the tears, both the mourning and the dancing. I don’t want to hide or stifle my emotions, or to get stuck at one extreme or the other. 

Lord, you have ordained both, and both are used for Your purposes. There is a time for everything. Help me submit to You in that, and to walk faithfully with you through both the joy and the sorrow, and even when the two are inter-mixed.

In every season, help me be in tune with Your heart and with those around me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, but let me also rejoice in Your plan, Your kingdom, Your work, Your salvation. May I rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. And God, may I be open and vulnerable enough to allow others to rejoice and weep with me. 

Amen. 

How have you experienced this topic– mourning, dancing, the intermingling of the two? The freedom to feel, and to allow others in on it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

How I'm Pursuing God

 We all know it, there are seasons when it’s difficult to pursue God, or to maintain a growing relationship with Him. For whatever reason – whether it’s busyness, pain, distraction, or complacency – we somehow get off track, and it takes a lot of focused effort and intentionality to get back on track again.

I’ve been in one of those seasons recently, and these days are the ones of intentionally pursuing Him again.

Are you there, too? Or do you need to be there?

Here are some ways I’m pursuing God right now:

• Reading through the Psalms. I struggle with knowing what to read in the Bible. Admittedly, there are days I can just pick it up, let it fall open, and read something incredible that speaks to me. But more often, I need a focused reading plan, something to give me direction as I read.Right now that’s a reading plan called “30 Days in the Psalms.” This plan gives 3 or 4 Psalms to read through each day, each based on a theme like Blessing, Confidence, Doubt, or God’s Power. It has been helpful to focus on a specific attribute or topic each day, rather than just reading through the Psalms in chronological order.

• Writing down what stands out. I have a note on my smartphone that’s simply a running list of quotes or thoughts that have spoken to me, that I want to remember. Some of them come from sermons or Bible studies, others from emails or things people have said to me. Anything that specifically stands out, grabs my attention, or that I think – God is saying something to me in this, I write it down immediately while I still remember it, so I can come back later and contemplate it more deeply.

• Trying to grasp the Gospel. The Gospel – the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ – is the basis for our faith, our joy, our spiritual life. That’s a fact we would all agree with. But at times I get complacent with it, and it becomes just a Sunday School story that I quote and nod my head to, and it doesn’t make a real difference in my daily life.I’m not the only one, right?

  So lately I’m asking God to make the Gospel real to me again, to remind me what His death on the cross and resurrection to life did for me, and still does for me today. I want to keep that always in front of me.

• Trusting His promise. The Bible says that those who seek the Lord will find Him. That’s a promise, and we can stand with all our weight on His promises. This one tells me that it’s not my responsibility to find God – that’s His end of the promise. My part is to seek Him. To pursue Him. His part is to be found. To meet me in the middle. To come out of hiding and say, Here I am.

  So I want to be faithful to do my part to seek Him with all my heart (Jeremiah 29:13), trusting that He will be faithful to do His part to show Himself to me.

• A new Bible study… And if any of you lovely ladies would like to join me, I’m planning to participate in the new Bible study coming out from She Reads Truth on July 18th, called “Mourning and Dancing.” Note: It’s not required to purchase the book, you can read the study directly from their website or phone app.

 

Thanks for reading. Feel free to share in the comments or send me an email: how are you pursuing God these days? 

Not qualified, but here I am.

{Originally published on Be Still Waiting Heart}

It’s funny how God puts you right where you need to be, even when you’re completely unqualified to be there.

At camp this summer, the program staff is implementing a worship night where campers will rotate to different “stations,” with a devotion and activity at each station focused on a specific aspect of the Christian life, such as forgiveness, identity, thankfulness, etc. Various staff members were asked to lead the different stations.

Brett and I were asked to lead the station focused on prayer. 

Now I know it sounds bad to say “I’m not good at prayer…” but it’s kind of true. Neither of us are super comfortable in or great at praying aloud. We’re certainly no experts on the subject. I know, personally, that my prayer life has been suffering recently, as I struggle to make daily alone time with God.

Let’s just say, we both feel pretty unqualified to lead a devotion on prayer. 

And yet… that’s where the Lord placed us.

So tonight, we led this thing for the counselors and summer staff, as they’re going through their Orientation this week. They were divided into 3 groups for the rotations, and with each of the 3 times we went through the devotion and focused prayer time tonight,

the truth of the words sank a little deeper into my heart.

I became a little more convinced of the words I was saying.

And the Spirit of the Lord in that room grew a little sweeter. 

Though I feel like the totally wrong person for the job, I look forward to continuing to lead campers and counselors in prayer for the rest of the summer. God knew this was where we needed to be, not only to teach others, but just as much or more, for our own prayer lives.

Not qualified. But here I am. Ready to learn.