Long Distance Love: Don't Eat the Poptart

 For today’s post, I want to introduce you to my 

friend Tessa. Tess is an engineer, a great dancer, and recently started her dream business at Windsor Events… and she knows the challenges of taking your relationship long-distance for a season. Her advice is wise! 

This is the second post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

 

We’ve all been there.

It’s 3 o’clock.

You’re sitting in the office, and that turkey sandwich you had for lunch has long since worn off.  Your tummy is grumblier than Winnie the Pooh without his honeypot.  Then you see it…the vending machine.  And inside that giant metal box of empty calories is the Pop Tart.

Normally you would never go for that Pop Tart.  It’s just not good for you.  It’s full of sugar and artificial flavors, it has no substantial energy source, and let’s face it – they don’t even taste good!

So why?  Why do you want that Pop Tart so bad?

The answer is simple, and it has nothing to do with the Pop Tart and everything to do with your circumstances.  You are hungry, bored, and you’ve forgotten about the delicious dinner you have planned for later.  Your circumstances have clouded your view and changed your desires. 

I spent two summers doing “long distance” with my now husband.  While we powered through the second summer, I am less than proud of the first one.

Someone I worked with used to called it sailor vision.  It was the idea that when a person is separated from someone they love for a long period of time, they start to become attracted to anyone they feel close to.  We become so lonely and so desperate for that meaningful connection, that people we do not belong with start to look pretty attractive.  We begin to be drawn to people that are at best a poor match for us and at worst a toxic addition to our lives.

During my first summer spent in “long distance,” I allowed sailor vision to get the better of me.  I cannot begin to describe the pain that it caused for so many people, myself and my husband included.  While I have been incredibly blessed to have reconciled with my now husband through God’s unending grace, I have also lost multiple friendships as a result.  People I once called good friends, I now refer to as someone I used to know.  All this said with a half-smile and a sick stomach.  I have witnessed it in many other relationships also, and the results are always painful.

So how do you keep yourself from getting sailor vision?

1. Awareness – Just be mindful of the potential danger. Be careful.  Practice that Christian cliché and guard your heart!
2. Remember – Remember who you love and why you love them. Remind yourself of these things.  Remember that the separation is only temporary.
3. Jesus – We need closeness! We need that meaningful connection.  Our loneliness is real, but we serve a God who loves us and who is ready to be our comforter.  Turn to God for closeness and connection.

 

All this said, that Pop Tart might not be as bad as we first thought, but it’s just not right for you.  Because you have dinner plans.   

Long Distance Love: Openness Across Miles

Today I’m excited to introduce you to Chelsea, my sister-in-law and one of my best friends. Chelsea’s story is unique in that she and her husband Derek had both a long-distance dating relationship and now a partially-long-distance marriage as well. I hope you enjoy her story and the advice she has to share! 

This is the first post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

Hello ladies! I’m Chelsea, and I have the opportunity to talk to you about being real/open with your human even though you are not face to face.

I want to give you a little history on myself before I begin. I was pretty set on being single forever, but God had other plans and allowed me to meet my husband at Ashley’s wedding! We were paired together at their wedding and we talked a bunch that weekend. He added me on Facebook and I messaged him a few days later, and it continued from there. We started dating in February 2015, but the kicker is that he was in Alaska and I was in Missouri, so we had a three hour time zone difference and almost 4,000 miles of separation. During that summer, we were only able to talk on the weekends because I was counseling at a summer camp, so we had even less opportunity for communication during that time. We were engaged in September 2015, and I made the decision to move to Alaska that November before we got married to spend real time together, so I moved my stuff and lived with his parents.

But surprise! He works a job where he is gone two weeks at a time, so we were and are still separated half the time. We have been married for 14 months and we have been making this long-distance-half-the-time-marriage work. It can be difficult to navigate distance and communication when you’re not face to face, but if you’re anything like me, talking through text and email can be easier.

You see, we all have different ways of communicating. I’m better at being open when I write, and my husband is better at being open when we’re face to face. When we were dating, talking through text was the easiest way for me to be real with my man, because I could say anything without having to worry about his body language and potential thoughts. It gave me the freedom to be myself without any pressure to be someone else.

But talking through text also means there’s a lot more room for miscommunications, because you can’t hear the person’s tone. When we were engaged, we finally decided to talk on the phone. It was either because we miscommunicated and needed to work it out, or it was because actually hearing each other was better. Whatever the reason, we talked on the phone and I learned how to be open the way my man appreciates openness.

All this to say that the key to being real and open when you’re not with each other is learning to communicate in different ways. If you’re a writer, try being verbal. If you thrive on being verbal, try being open through writing. Research and read about communicating, and put those tips into practice. The more you learn and the more you practice, the easier it gets to be real and open when you’re long distance.

Chelsea & Derek, photo credit Ashley Kilmer Photography

One thing that has helped us through being apart is learning the other person’s love language. There’s a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and it was required to read for our premarital counseling. We read it and took the test when we were engaged, and it’s helped us understand how our needs are different. Reading the book was a good way for us to ask the difficult questions, get each other talking about needs, and get each other talking about what is working and what needs to change. We receive love in different ways and that’s great, but you have to learn to be creative in showing it when you’re apart. Just like you have to learn how to communicate in different ways, you have to be flexible and learn to give love in ways your partner will receive it.

 
On the flip side, how do you navigate being real and open when you’re actually together?

In real time, my man came to visit me in January before we started officially dating, then for a week in May and a week in July. After camp was over that summer, I visited him in August. It’s safe to say that it can be a little awkward at first if you’re used to only talking through text, but as you get comfortable being with each other, it gets easier.

A few tips for cultivating openness when you’re together:

1. Asking questions, easy and difficult, is very important. If questions aren’t really your thing, Google can give you some ideas for good questions to break the ice, and get-to-know-you questions.
2. When you’re with each other, be observant. Listen to what they say, watch their body language, watch how they treat other people.
3. Most likely, your person will meet your friends and family. Listen to their opinions of your guy. If they don’t like him or they bring up concerns, don’t push it aside. Take what they have to say into consideration, think about it, and pray over it.
4. Don’t go through your real time with each other wearing rose colored glasses. Instead, pay attention, and if you see red flags, pray and ask God for wisdom, talk to a trusted confidant about it, and don’t be afraid to call him out on what you see.

God has been good to us as we go through the challenges of being apart. God has to be in the center of your life and your relationship in order for it to work. If He’s not, then it might work for a little while, but when things get tough, it might not seem worth it to keep going. Long distance relationships can be challenging, but they can be well worth it if you put in the time and effort.

Long Distance Love Series

If you’ve ever been in one, you know….

Long distance relationships are TOUGH.

I get it; I’ve been there. I was in one relationship where we met online, ‘dated’ long distance for 3 months, and thought it really might be going somewhere…and then it all fell through when we actually met in person, because he wasn’t who he had portrayed himself to be.

My now-husband and I spent a portion of our relationship living across the country from each other, as well.

So I know that when you’re trying to maintain an intentional, God-honoring relationship while separated by miles and time zones, things can get tricky. Complicated. Mixed-up. Misunderstood. And just plain hard.

This week, I’ve teamed up with some sweet, lovely friends of mine to bring you a series of encouragement and advice in your long-distance relationship. Watch for a new post every day this week! These topics and more will be covered:

Dealing with loneliness 
Being honest despite distance
Preparing to meet face-to-face

and more! (some of my guest writers are still getting their drafts to me, so I haven’t even read them all yet… but the ones I’ve got so far are great and you’re gonna love them!)

Two easy ways you can catch each new post as it goes live: 

1. At the top of my sidebar —> there’s a place you can enter your email address to subscribe. You’ll get each new post right in your inbox.
2. Hop over to Facebook and LIKE the Be Still Waiting Heart page, then watch for the new posts to appear in your newsfeed.

 

Happy Easter, friends. See you tomorrow with the first post in the series!

 

UPDATE! Here you can find all the posts in this series. Feel free to send the link to someone you know who might enjoy reading them!

Day 1: Openness Across Miles by Chelsea

Day 2: Don’t Eat the Poptart by Tessa

Day 3: Before You’re Face to Face Again by Reagan

Day 4: Lessons Learned in a Long Distance Marriage by Andria

Day 5: Lonely in a Crowded Room by Al

 

I would love to hear what you think of these ladies’ posts, so leave a comment!

When You Can't Make Eye Contact With God

One of my Spiritual Goals for March was, “Engage with Him throughout the day.” 

Why is this one of my focus areas? What does it mean?

A couple of years ago, I read the book Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty, and besides being perfect for the season of loss I was in at that time, it also really impacted how I look at my relationship with God. The way Sara writes about her time in the Word, prayer, and just daily interactions with the Lord is so sweet, simple, and sincere – it made me long to be nearer to Him myself.

On page 94 in the book, Sara writes,

“Adoration is exploration. The Father loves to be explored.” 

Doesn’t that ring true? Don’t even we, as women, feel extra-loved when someone we love and trust explores the depths of us, seeking to really know our story and our heart?

Allow yourself to even think physically for a moment…. Don’t we, as wives, love to be physically explored by our adoring husband?

Adoration is exploration. And even God Himself loves when we explore Him, seeking to know Him more deeply.

More recently – just a few months ago – I recognized a tendency in myself to ignore God during my everyday life. And not just neglecting to seek and explore Him, but actually almost avoiding Him.

I read something in a book or blog (I can’t remember where) that talked about the Father being here with me in my everyday life… seeing me, looking at me, loving me. And it struck me – I’d been refusing to look back at Him. Averting my eyes. Subconsciously thinking that, if I don’t meet His gaze, I can avoid hard conversations and painful realities.

At that moment, He whispered that He just wants me to look back at Him. He’s here, in my everyday, getting on my level, wanting to gaze into my eyes and tell me what’s on His heart. And I was going about my busyness and distraction, avoiding eye contact. 

It’s like seeing someone you know at the grocery store but ducking into the next aisle, not acknowledging them because you really don’t want to get into a conversation. (tell me I’m not the only one who does that?!) 

Except it’s not just an acquaintance at the store. It’s the Lord of my heart, the One who died for me, the One who loves me more than anyone else. So why do I ignore Him, walk on as if He’s not even there?

Maybe because I know He’ll go straight for the heart, not leaving the hurts untouched. Maybe because it’s less scary to hold Him at arms’ length, than to let Him in and let Him explore my depths. 

At the beginning of this year, I committed to not be satisfied with just a daily quiet time to check off a box, but to make the effort to explore a new season of my relationship with the Lord… finding Him in new ways and new places, exploring Him, learning His depths and letting Him into mine.

And part of that is to simply acknowledge Him in my everyday. To feel when He’s looking at me, when He’s near, and to take a deep breath and gaze back at Him. To acknowledge that He’s there. To say hello. To worship. To let Him look into my heart, and to talk to Him about what’s there. 

I know He’ll be kind and gentle. He’s not rough with our hearts. He adores us. He’s not looking to punch the buttons that cause us pain. Where there is pain, He wants to bring comfort, understanding, peace, and healing.

But we have to be brave enough to let Him in. Because our Father loves to be explored by His adoring children…. and He also, who adores us, longs to explore our hearts.

The Shack: My Honest Thoughts

 

On Saturday – despite the controversy, mixed reviews, and even outright boycotts – my husband and I went to see The Shack. When I stated on Facebook later that night that we had watched it and I was processing “all the feelings,” I immediately started getting questions from people about what I thought about the movie and whether I would recommend it. With all the experts and columnists spouting all their controversial opinions, it seems like real people who genuinely love Jesus are looking for realistic answers about whether they should see the movie or not.

So with that in mind, I simply want to share my viewpoint.

 

I read the book The Shack by William Young several years ago, soon after it came out in 2007. I’ll admit, it’s been a while since I read it, so I don’t recall all the doctrinal details… but I do remember this: This book helped me grasp the personal and beautiful love of God, something I struggled for years to truly understand. I have always appreciated it for that reason.

Which brings us to the movie. Simply put, my views are both positive and negative, and I just want to share them honestly with you. So here are eight thoughts I have about the movie.

1. God’s love and mercy are shown well. The love of God is definitely the overarching theme of the story. We see how He reaches out to us, in the midst of our own suffering and confusion, to show us Himself and bring us back into fellowship with Him. We see His friendship in the character of Jesus, His tender comfort in the character of Sarayu, His constant steadfastness and love in the character of Papa. These show us glimpses of who our Lord is.

2. The Invisible God, the Trinity, is represented in human flesh. Some critics of the movie have shouted out against this, saying it violates the second commandment {no graven images} and sets these humans up as God in our minds. I personally don’t agree… but I do think discernment is required as we watch this. We all know that these people are not God, nor are they attempting to be. They are simply serving as representations, illustrations, of His character. It’s a tricky job, but they do it well.
I will say that I did have a problem with the actress Octavia Spencer stating the line, “I am that I am.” That’s a statement reserved for God and God alone, and it should have been excluded from the movie.
Aside from that line, I appreciated each actor’s individual representation of a small taste of who our Savior is.

3. Love and justice seem to be mutually exclusive. There is a point in the movie when “Papa” denies that the wrath of God is a real thing. When Mack asks, “What about your wrath?” she responds with, “Wrath? I don’t need to punish people. Sin is enough punishment on its own.” I think this is a flaw in the movie’s theology. It seems to be saying that because God is love, He doesn’t condemn sin… which just isn’t true. This is part of the wonderful mystery that is our God – His love and justice go hand in hand! He has to punish sin because He is holy, yet His love moved Him to make a way for us to be redeemed from that punishment. I think The Shack glosses over this point by minimizing the judgement of God on sin.

4. God the Father is portrayed as a woman. I have mixed feelings about this aspect of the movie. The reason is clearly stated: “Papa” appears as a woman because of Mack’s history, because he would be unable to handle a father-figure.
On the one hand, I think it’s brilliant to portray God this way. It meets people like Mack, who have been hurt by their fathers or by other men, who struggle to relate to a “male” God. It also helps break the mold in our religious minds that God is an old, bearded, white man. How small we think of Him! There is so much more to our God’s character that we comprehend. He absolutely has feminine, motherly qualities – beauty, gentleness, nurturing.
But on the other hand, I think there’s an element missing by only seeing “Papa” as a mother, and not as a father. {Even though a father-figure appears in the movie, he’s not a well-developed character and we only see him for a few short scenes.} By only seeing God portrayed in the feminine, we miss so much of His character as a father, a strong leader, a warrior, a protector. I wish more of that had been explored.

5. Suffering is explained. I appreciate that Mack’s suffering in the story is of the very worst kind we can imagine, because it excludes no one. No one can say, “Well, my sorrow is worse than his, so this doesn’t apply to me.” By giving Mack a Great Sadness that’s only a worst nightmare to most of us, the author includes all of us. No hurt is too big for God.
And Mack asks the question you and I ask – “Why?”  Why do awful things happen to good, innocent people? Why didn’t God stop the tragedy from happening? Why does it have to be this way? The Shack tells us the truth: that God does not cause evil, painful things to happen… but sometimes He allows them, because He sees the big picture, the ripple effect, the good that will come out of the pain.

6. But at the same time, the explanation is lacking. Although the answer to the “why do we suffer” question gradually comes out, it takes them the whole movie to explain it, and the question gets glossed over several times in the meantime. At one point, it even seems like we’re told there is evil in the world and God can’t do anything about it. The movie definitely could have handled this deeply important question with more care.

7. The theme of forgiveness is well-done. Besides God’s love and the different aspects of His character, I thought forgiveness was one of the themes the movie best portrayed. Mack is asked to forgive people who have caused him horrible and irreversible pain…. and even to forgive God and himself, as well. I appreciated how “Papa” tells Mack that the anger will not instantly go away, nor will he necessarily feel like forgiving, but it is a choice, and a choice that might have to be made daily.

8. There is hope for healing. After terrible tragedy, Great Sadness, and wrestling with God, Mack finally finds healing. He begins to see the good and the purpose of God rippling from his pain. I loved the scene near the end when the beautiful tree grew up out of the grave, because it represents so much – our greatest sorrows, when we surrender them to the Lord and allow Him to bring healing, can grow into something beautiful and fruitful.

.

The Shack definitely gave me a lot to process and think about, just as the book did several years ago. Someone asked me if I would recommend it, and my answer is yes. Yes, I recommend seeing it, but watch it with discernment, with your spiritual eyes open. It’s Hollywood, so we can’t expect it to be 100% Biblical or Christlike. So watch with wise discernment, and see how God might speak to you through it.

I Refuse to Believe He will be Conquered

 Last week, I highlighted the following quote in Oswald Chambers’ devotional My Utmost for His Highest:

“Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling.
Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered.”

What does this mean to you? I know what it means to me.

It means I keep holding on… to hope, to goals, to my dreams, to prayers I’m praying, yes… but more than anything, holding on to my Hero, my Savior, the only One who will never, ever be conquered. 

Because as Romans 8 tells us, we are more than conquerors through Jesus, and no matter what the highs and lows or the present or the future brings, we win because none of it can separate us from Him.

Whatever your current battle, persevere, my friend. Because your God is the unconquerable Hero.

 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  {Romans 8:37-39}

The One Year

 Tomorrow is February 18th.

The due date.

Since the due date that has already come and gone once since our miscarriage, this time it’s not just her due date, but her first birthday.

One year. Our baby would have been one year old this weekend. It’s kinda surreal.

Sometimes I try to imagine what life would be like right now, with a little one toddling around our home. It’s a happy picture. I know our home would be full of more laughs, more tears, more noise, more slobber…and so much joy.

And I wonder, what would it be like? What would be different about our everyday life, our schedule, our marriage, our friendships? Who would we be with a one-year-old in the mix?

Who would we be without having experienced loss?

photo credit: Barber Photography

We’re changed, because loss changes people. Our past 20 months would have been worlds different if our baby had lived, and because of that, we ourselves would be different.

Because in addition to being one year since our first baby’s due date, it has also been {just over} one year since we began the journey to have a second baby. Having PCOS makes this much more of a challenge for us.

And while the loss and this past year have been – at various times – difficult, heartbreaking, infuriating, and lonely, I believe with all my heart that our God is using these times to shape Brett and me into His image, into people with childlike faith who more closely resemble Himself.

When I grieve, when I shatter, when I rejoice… if I draw near to Him, He is always faithful to satisfy.

So, it’s been one challenging, full, blessed year, and even on the hardest days, I wouldn’t trade journeys for the blessings and opportunities the Lord has given us and the ways He is growing us. To Him be the glory, in our joys and sorrows.

 

If you’ve lost a little one, please feel free to use this graphic in your own social media. {with credit back to this post, if you don’t mind!} I love increasing awareness for the 1 in 4 women who suffer miscarriage. Sharing our babies’ birthdays is a good way to do that. 

To My Single Friends on Valentine's Day

 My dear friends who are single today,

Hey. Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.

First, I want to start by saying this is not a generic letter. I’m not writing to some hypothetical single girl who I imagine might read this post. No, I’m thinking of you – my sweet single friends. I could call you by name, and in fact, I already did this morning. I spoke your names to the Father, one by one, and asked Him to help you feel loved, cared for, and full of hope today.

I’m so thankful to have each of you in my life! Whether we’re close friends today, or we haven’t kept in touch lately, somewhere along the way you’ve been an important part of my life. With some of you, I walked the single journey side-by-side for a while, with all its rejoicing and bemoaning, wondering and dreaming, laughing and weeping. Some of us had a secret Never Been Kissed Club (you know who you are!). I treasure each one of you.

 

“Put a ring on it!” Our single girls Valentine’s Day party a few years ago.

 

I know Valentine’s Day can be hard when you don’t have someone to share it with. Really, it’s just a silly, commercialized holiday, but at the same time, it’s a day when you’re bombarded with hearts, flowers, cheesy Facebook posts, engagement announcements… reminders that “everyone else” has what you don’t have.

And sometimes the single life seems unbearable and never-ending. I get it. I didn’t start dating my husband until I was twenty-seven. The single journey, despite the unique blessings and joys it carries, is hard. 

And days like Valentine’s Day can amplify that.

So today, I really don’t have any magic words for you, because I know you’ve heard it all. You’ve heard all the well-meaning advice, and I know you don’t want to hear

“God has a plan…”
“He’s preparing the right man for you…”
“Enjoy your freedom…”
“Singleness is a gift…”
“It will happen when you stop looking…” 

Really, there are two things I want to tell you today. The first is this: Please don’t ever believe that you are somehow less-than or not-arrived because you are unmarried. I know married people can often make single people feel that way, but it’s just not true.

You have worth as a person. You have wisdom and experience that is unique to being a single woman in the world today. You have purpose. Your friendship is a blessing. You have valuable gifts to offer. Your journey matters.

So never think that because you aren’t married, you haven’t “arrived” in life yet. Singleness is a season and marriage is a season, and both are priceless.

And second, I want you to know what I’m praying for you today:

• That you feel inexpressibly loved. Because you are! Loved by a Heavenly Father and a Savior who died for you, literally moved heaven and earth and gave everything to be with you. Loved by your family. Loved by your friends. Loved by countless people whose lives you bless, and you don’t even know it.
• That you believe God’s plans for you are so, so good.  Even if today, it feels like He’s forgotten you. Even if today, you feel lonely, stuck, and hopeless. Dare to believe, dear friend, that He is working together all the details and creating a story so beautiful, you’ll be utterly amazed as you see it unfold.
• That you are filled up. Not lacking. Not feeling like something is missing. That you are full of joy, full of hope, full of purpose, full of love.

Sweet friends, you’re on my heart and in my prayers today. I love and appreciate each one of you so much! Be encouraged and go spread some love today, wherever you are.