A Waiting Heart at Christmas

 

Dear waiting heart,

It’s hard to be in a waiting season during Christmas, isn’t it? I know.

You enjoy the festivities of the season and the beauty of the day, but there’s a shadow, hovering over your heart. There’s a hole, like something is missing.

While you rejoice in the wonder of Christmas, at the same time there’s a part of you that wants to hide in a corner and sob.

And you fear… what if next year is no different?

I understand.

I’ve been there, as a single woman until 28 years old. Every Christmas since I was about 16, I would ask God, please let me have my husband here with me by next Christmas. Twelve years I waited. Twelve years I wondered what was wrong with me, why no man was there to share the Christmas joy with me, why God wasn’t answering my pleas. I watched my younger sister spend 4 Christmases with her love, before the Lord finally gave me mine. Though it was certainly worth it, the wait was painful.

I’m there again this year, with a hole in my heart, the size of a baby I should be 7 months pregnant with. But my baby is gone, and my arms and heart ache to be a mommy. I don’t know when that will happen, but I’m waiting for it, and while I celebrate Christ’s birth with people I love, that longing hovers, a little heavier on Christmas.

So how do you deal with it — with the pain of waiting during this joyous holiday?

Well, if you’re like me, you stay busy with baking cookies, washing dishes, watching Christmas movies, and trying not to think about what’s missing. But maybe that’s not the best advice.

Maybe you and I both, wherever we are, should steal away for a few minutes alone, and talk to God about our hearts. About what’s missing. About the wait. About how stinkin’ hard it is.

He gets it. And I promise… He cares.

Remember when Jesus wept over Jerusalem? It was in the middle of a great, victorious celebration — the Triumphal Entry. It was nearly the Passover, an important Jewish holiday, and to top it off, Jesus had just been praised and recognized as the King who comes in the Name of the Lord. All around Him, people were shouting and rejoicing. It was a wonderful day.

And yet…

Jesus steps aside from all of that, and, with tears streaming down His face, cries out for the burden of His heart — His beloved Holy City that will soon reject Him.

So, dear waiting heart, today in the midst of the celebration, if you need to take a moment to yourself to cry out to God for the burden of your heart…. do it. Let a few tears fall. Or a lot of tears, if that’s what it takes. Just know that God catches every one of them. Not one goes unnoticed by Him. He sees your waiting, and no matter how long it takes, He is working. Don’t lose hope. He came this Christmas Day for your hope.

Merry Christmas, waiting heart.

A Prayer for a Busy Day

 Dear God,

Today is so busy. I have a long list, a lot of distractions, and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

Yet as I snatch a few minutes to pray and commit the day to You, I don’t want it to be just a box that I check off. In the midst of all the busyness, I want to truly commit myself, my life, my day, and my to-do list to Your capable hands.

May my heart be in the right place today.

May I not be frantic, but simply trust You that everything will be taken care of.

May I have joy and peace.

May my spirit be in continual worship of and communion with You.

May I view the day through your lens of eternity.

May You be glorified through the way I live this day.

Amen.

When Church Hurts Because I Don't Have Babies

You – mama with a baby in your heart, but not in your arms – I’m guessing you know what it’s like.

You want to be part of a church. You love the corporate worship; you long for sweet fellowship with other believers. You know it’s important to be a participant in the Body of Christ.

But at church there are so many families – moms and dads with tiny babies. Little ones running around, playing and laughing. Tired parents trying to socialize while also keeping an eye on their rowdy kiddos. And you’re reminded of what you want and don’t have.

And the women – those girls you love, who are your friends, whom you worship God alongside – it sometimes seems like all they talk about is pregnancy and babies. Of course, that’s their life, so why shouldn’t they talk about it?

You don’t blame or begrudge any of them. But it hurts. It hurts so much that you don’t even want to go to church.

I understand. I’m there.

The church my husband and I attend is full of young families; there are almost more kids than adults in the congregation. I love that we’ve found a church full of people in our age group and demographic, people we can hang out with and have over for dinner. Yet, every Sunday, I find myself having to focus really hard on not feeling sad, bitter, or jealous, as I’m literally surrounded by mamas with their little ones.

It’s not that Jesus hasn’t worked healing in my heart after our miscarriage. He certainly has. It’s not that He isn’t walking with me through the struggle to grow our family. He certainly is. Our loss is not

[image source]

something I dwell on every day throughout the week. But there’s something about being at church and women’s gatherings, surrounded by the blessings and fulfillment of other women, that just really hurts sometimes.

Every week at our church, someone prays aloud a blessing over all the children before they scurry off to their Sunday school classes. A few weeks ago, the person praying said, “God, thank You that You have opened the wombs of this church!” 

Umm… Ouch.

That prayer was like a slap in the face that still stings now, weeks later. Yes, God has blessed many of the women in that church with the babies they were hoping and praying for; yes, that’s so good of Him. But there are also those of us in the room (or maybe I’m the only one?) who ache to hold the baby they lost…

whose hearts wonder, in the quiet moments, what that child would have been like…

who ask themselves the scary question, will I ever be able to have a baby?

Yes, church hurts sometimes – whether because of the insensitivity of those who don’t understand, or because it’s hard to see others’ blessings without the discontent stirring of your own longings.

The truth I am telling myself, and telling you in the process, is that being part of the Body of Christ is worth it. You and I need the encouragement and accountability that comes with worshiping with the Body. We need to hear the Word, and I think, sometimes, we even need these uncomfortable situations that will help us continue to embrace His comfort and healing.

And, if we’re honest, we know it’s God’s design that we allow other believers to comfort us and help bear our burdens. But that takes being vulnerable.

That takes sharing with other women what we have lost, and letting them know that it’s tough. And then allowing them to encourage us, hug us, ask us how we’re doing. That might be awkward, but it’s healthy, and it can be healing.

I don’t know about you, but I want to pursue a healthier mindset and healthy friendships… because I want to be a healthy functioning part of the Body of Christ. The loss of a baby hurts. Infertility hurts. But let’s not allow grief and bitterness to ruin our opportunity to love and be loved by the church.

Freezer Full of Fish!

What's that saying about teaching a man to fish?

Well, no one taught us how to fish -- in fact, we tried but didn't catch a single one ourselves this summer -- but they sure gave us fish, enough that our freezer and pantry currently contain enough of it to feed us for the winter!

Such a blessing! We have such generous friends.

Last month, when a camp coworker gave us a couple of fresh-caught coho salmon, I got to try my hand at canning for the first time! Brett sliced up and de-boned the salmon, and I put it in the jars with a little vinegar and salt, then into the pressure cooker. Since then, we've eaten our canned fish a couple of times, in salmon dip and salmon patties. It's quite yummy!

 

We've been blessed with a lot of halibut, too, which we've been enjoying both baked and fried! Delicious!

God has really blessed us this fall in so many ways; the fish is just one example. I'm thankful He provides both needs and wants.

The Poetry of God

Sometimes God is so poetic in the way He works. I love this about Him. We see the turns of events, the reversals of destiny, and the seeming dance of details that He lines up so artistically, and realize there is a sense of order in our messy lives. There are fleeting moments when we think, this should be part of a novel, of a movie, of someone else’s story. We feel as though we are watching from the outside as something profound unfolds.

But it is your life. It is my life. It is God, creating this poetic twist just to let us know that He’s there, working in the midst of the mess, creating an amazing story.

One of my very favorite Scriptures is Psalm 126:5 – “Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy.” 

There’s an artistic reversal for you! Imagine a farmer or a gardener, scattering seed across the ground, pushing those tiny dry seeds down into the soil, and watering them with heartbroken tears from his own eyes. Longing for the harvest, yet feeling hopeless. But then the sprouts come up. The fields grow. And by the time of the harvest, there is such joy in that farmer’s heart that he can’t stop smiling and singing as he brings in the fruit from the fields.

This verse is precious to me because I’ve seen it come true in my own life. God gave me this verse when I was sowing with tears, and now I stand on the other side of the reversal, amazed at how He has blessed me.

I’m here to tell you, whatever your circumstance, God is there in the details and He’s crafting your beautiful story. It probably won’t look like you expect it to. Mine certainly looks different – and more wonderful – than what I prayed for.

But watch for the “wow moments.” Look for the reversals of destiny. Notice the poetry in the details.

God is working.

“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”  Psalm 16:6

 

Note: The phrase “reversal of destiny” comes from Beth Moore’s book Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman (affiliate link). 

How We're Planning a "Budget" Anniversary Trip

 Girls, I’m sooo excited about vacation next week with my hubby. We’re celebrating our first wedding anniversary! Down to California where it’ll be sunny and low-70’s (It’s currently 40 and raining where we live. Pretty much every day.), seeing the beautiful west coast and the vast Pacific Ocean, touring the local vineyards, wearing a cute dress out to dinner…. not to mention some undistracted, non-work quality time with my sweet husband! Did I mention I’m excited? 🙂

Now the kicker is, we’re on a pretty tight budget. Working in full-time ministry, there isn’t a lot of money to spend on things like vacations. I’m sure you know how that is.

So that’s why I’m here to share with you how we planned our anniversary trip on a budget — not that I’m an expert, by any means, but I can tell you my own tips and tricks and maybe something will be helpful for you. Okay? Here we go.

• Travel off-season

If possible, it can be cheaper to travel during tourism off-seasons. Plane tickets can sometimes be lower priced, and even attractions and activities have lower rates during their slower seasons.

• Earn miles for your plane tickets

We purchased our plane tickets using mileage we’ve been earning. Brett and I both have an airline credit card, which earns miles with each purchase. Of course, we use the credit card responsibly and keep it paid off, and those miles eventually add up! It cost us a total of 48,000 miles plus $47 to fly to California and back.

• Save on a rental car

Did you know that if you’re a Costco member, you can get great travel deals through them?! I had checked all the travel sites like Expedia and Hotwire, and the cheapest I could find a rental car for our trip was over $200. Then someone told me about Costco Travel! We have a membership there, so I checked it out and was able to get our rental car for around $150.

• Stay somewhere you love, but shop for deals

Okay, this is where we splurged a bit. If you know me, you might know I have this obsession with staying in locally-owned, non-chain hotels. I just love it. If I’m going to travel and experience someplace different, I don’t want to stay in a Days Inn — I want the experience of a unique, local lodging.

Hence, our little splurge on our hotel.

But it still wasn’t as pricey as it could have been! Hotels on the coast are expensive, you guys. We found a nice, local-owned place, on the lower end of the price range, an easy 2-block walk from the beach, and we really liked the looks of it. Also, I booked it on Expedia and was able to get a slightly discounted rate.

Another great option that I’ve recently discovered is Airbnb. Staying in a privately-owned room or apartment totally meets my criteria of staying in a non-chain place, and it’s even more personal than a hotel. (Hint: if you book an Airbnb stay through my link, you’ll get $40 off and I’ll get credit too!)

• Use Travel Websites and Ebates!

Maybe you don’t have an airline credit card or a Costco membership. There are still ways to save dollars on your trip! Websites like Expedia, Hotwire, and Priceline can help you find deals on flights, cars, hotels, and even vacation packages. Groupon is another great site to join, as they will help you find extraordinary deals on vacation packages all over the country and world! Another great tip is to join Ebates, which gives you cash back for online shopping. When I booked our hotel, this was my process:

1. Go to Ebates.com and log in.
2. Search Ebates website for Expedia (or other travel site).
3. Click on Expedia link from Ebates website.
4. Book hotel on Expedia (or your choice of travel site).
5. Get 6% cash back on hotel booking.

Six percent might not seem like much, but it’s a few dollars off your hotel price, and if you use Ebates for other trip expenses too, you could earn a good chunk of cash back.

• Eat 2 meals a day

Other than lodging, we’ve found food to be one of the biggest expenses on our travels! It helps to get a hotel room equipped with a mini-refrigerator, which means we can keep some drinks and snacks — even cereal and milk for breakfast — in the room and avoid purchasing those at a restaurant.

We also try to keep ourselves to two big meals per day and just a snack for the third meal. For example, one day we’ll have a big breakfast around 10:30, coffee and a muffin for lunch around 1:30 or 2, and a normal dinner in the evening. Another day, we’ll eat a good breakfast around 11:00, a heavy lunch at 3:00, and just share an appetizer for dinner around 8:30. It saves a few dollars to go light on one of the meals.

• Budget your entertainment

We definitely try to look for deals and coupons to save a few dollars. Traveling in the off-season can help with this! I also do some web research before traveling to get an idea of what attractions are available and what each one will cost, so that we’ll have a plan and a budget going into it.

That’s not to say we don’t do fun things! On our most recent trip, we went to a comedy theater that only charged $10 per person for their week-night show, and we rented a jet ski — but found a company running a “winter special” rate that was $30 less than other companies. Fun can be affordable.

Also — it’s very possible to find activities to do that are totally free! Some examples we’ve enjoyed are going for a sightseeing drive (only costs gas), walking on the beach, going to browse at local shops or even big places like Ikea, sitting and people-watching, and relaxing in the hotel’s hot tub.

Another affiliate plug for Airbnb : they also offer what they call “experiences” which are attractions and tours for great prices.

• Go thrift shopping for your cute clothes

I really wanted a cute new dress to wear out to dinner one night on our anniversary trip, but a $30+ dress was not in the budget! I’d kind of half-heartedly browsed around Amazon.com looking for something inexpensive, but buying clothes online makes me nervous because half the time they don’t fit! So I was shopping at the local thrift store one day, and decided to check the dresses just in case. To my surprise, there was an adorable little dress, in perfect condition, exactly my size, for $5.00!! Now I’m not saying you’ll always be this lucky at the thrift shop, but it’s worth a try!

• Save your change, and ask for gift cards

For about 3 months prior to our trip, I kept a mason jar on our dresser labeled “California Cash.” We faithfully deposited any spare coins and dollar bills we found in our pockets or wallets. If you did this for more time, I’m sure you could save up quite a bit of cash! In addition, a family member gave us a $100 Visa gift card as an anniversary gift. We used the gift card and our saved cash to pay for a lot of our food and snacks while traveling, and that was a huge help! If you have a birthday, anniversary, or other event soon before your trip, it’s a great idea to ask for generic gift cards.

• Tell people you’re celebrating!

I’m not one to fish for freebies, but at a few restaurants or other places we visited, we came across employees who asked whether we were celebrating any special occasion. If they asked, we told them we were celebrating our first anniversary, and we got a couple of freebies because of it!

 

Hopefully these tips give you some good ideas on ways you can save money on a vacation with your sweetie — or with your family or friends! Traveling can be so expensive, but the experience and memories are so wonderful! And if you can easily save a few dollars with tips like these? Even better!

Do you have any other great ideas for saving money on a vacation? Tell us below! 

To Wait, Not Worry

 “If I’m not seeing action on His [God’s] part, it’s very likely my flesh will start striving and my spirit will become exhausted from the toiling.” 

– She Reads Truth devotion ‘Sparrows and Kings‘

 

And this is why Scripture tells me to “Cease striving and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) and to “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him” (Psalm 37:7), and asks me, “Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27).

Worrying and striving does no good. It simply shows a lack of trust in the Sovereign Father. Yet I’m just as prone to it as anyone else.

Back in my single days, when God wasn’t bringing me a husband and I thought He should be, I resorted to scouring the online dating sites, and striking up conversations with any guy friend who “could be a potential”… only to have my heart hurt over and over.

When I was leaving my job at one ministry and looking for a new full-time ministry position, and God wasn’t providing clear direction, I spent hours in desperate searching, emailing, and filling out applications…. only to hit closed doors again and again.

And now, in this season, when I so want answers and the wait is long and frustrating, I still find myself searching and trying to figure it all out.

Worrying. Striving.

And the Lord asks me, “Is that doing you any good?” Forgive me, Lord.

Oh, for the grace to wait patiently for Him! To resist the urge to take life into my own hands! I have spent so much of my life striving, searching, and trying to take control, when I only needed to be trusting and following Jesus. All along while I was worrying, He knew the good plans He had for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and each time, He brought me to the answers in His time, in a way that could have only been Him.

And He will do it again.

Jesus, help me to be still and trust in Your beautiful plans… to wait, not worry.

Moving Day and a New Season!

Hi friends, family, and other readers!
I guess it has been a while since I updated anything here. Thanks for still sticking around and reading the occasional update!

I've recently started a new blogging project over at BeStillWaitingHeart.com. The blog there is intended to be a ministry platform for women who are in the same seasons of life that I am or have recently been walking through -- singleness, relationships, engagement, and young marriage. It's really just getting started and I don't have many readers yet, but I'm praying that God will bless and expand it, so that it can really be used as a ministry. If you're in any of those categories, or you know someone who is, please feel free to hop on over there and take a look, or send someone the link! My prayer is to build it into a community and an outreach, a place of truth and hope.

In other news... today was moving day! While we (Brett especially) will still be out to camp at least once a week, today was the day we officially changed our "home base" from camp to Juneau. The last few weeks have been a crazy in-between phase where we've lived half at camp and half in town. It will be really nice to be settled in here in Juneau for the winter.

We've spent the day working on our new apartment that we're renting in Juneau -- cleaning, freshening the place up, arranging furniture, unpacking, etc. It will probably take another day or two to get everything situated and settled. We are excited about making it "home" for the winter and about hopefully having some friends over soon after everything is unpacked and organized. Now that we're done with the camp season and living in town again for a few months, it will be good to catch up and rekindle relationships with our friends and acquaintances here.

Speaking of winter, relationships, and such, I'm working on putting together a video that highlights what "winter ministry" looks like for us as Echo Ranch staff. Certainly our winters look different from our summers, but it's all one big picture. Winter Ministry can be difficult to explain to people, so I'm hoping this video will help portray it a little better.

Hope you all are doing well!
Keep in touch!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

 Today, October 15th, is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.

It’s a day to remember and to honor our little ones – our babies we got to hold for only a very short time, and then had to release to heaven. It’s a day to acknowledge that the loss is real. It’s a day to say, We still love you. We still miss you.

When I had my miscarriage this past June, and shared the story publicly, I was blown away by all the women in my life who told me that they, too, had lost a baby. Some had miscarried once, others two or three times. For some it had been just a month before, others 40 years ago, but they all remembered. They remembered the experience, the emotion, the grief.

And for me, talking to them was part of my healing. There’s an instant bond between women who have shared this experience, the death of a baby – a bond of being able to truly say I understand what you’re going through. So I am thankful for the women in my life who bravely spoke up, letting me know that they understood my grief, that they had been where I was. It’s so easy to feel isolated after having a miscarriage, and knowing I wasn’t alone made a huge difference.

Since then, roles have reversed. Now I’ve had the opportunity to be the woman who went through a miscarriage four months ago, saying I understand to someone who went through it a few days ago.

I guess what I want to say in all of this is, ladies, let’s not be afraid to tell our stories. Whether your story is miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, infertility, the death of a child… There is someone else out there who has been through or is going through the same thing. Did you know 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss? You might have the opportunity to speak truth and comfort to someone who is hurting. Or you might receive comfort and understanding from an unexpected source. Either way… your story matters.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.  (1 Corinthians 1:3-4) 

Be Still Waiting Heart

Hey girls,

I've just launched my new blog, "Be Still Waiting Heart."  It's designed for young women -- single, in a relationship, or married. There are just a few posts up so far, so it's still a work in progress. Please check it out and let me know what you think!

Ashley

The Rings Remind Me

 

Today I’ve been really noticing my wedding rings.

I’ve been wearing these rings constantly for 9 months — and the one for 4 months longer than that — yet I haven’t noticed them this much since the very beginning of the engagement. The diamond catches the light as I read, blow dry my hair, or sit talking to a friend, and my eyes are drawn to it. And I think it’s a sparkling reminder to me of my marriage — its beauty, its constancy.

Marriage is hard and frustrating some days, and I think God’s using my rings to remind me to cherish it, to cherish my husband, because we are committed for life. It’s not something I can push aside or ignore or give up on. It is constantly there, for 13 months and counting…for the rest of our lives! It’s not just an accessory; it’s life. It’s part of me. He is part of me.

I will fight for this, for the good and health of our marriage.

twelve weeks.

This week, I should have been 12 weeks pregnant. This week, I should be calling friends and family members who didn't know yet, posting cute photos on Facebook of my husband and me holding adorable ultrasound photos, and telling the world about our baby. 

Instead, I'm curled up on my couch thinking about what could have been, un-following everyone on Facebook who has a new baby because my heart can't handle seeing that, and coming here to remind the world... 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 

image source

And though I have been "getting better," and I've felt much more alive and much more like myself over the past few weeks, hitting this 12-week mark has a lot been harder than I anticipated. When I would have been sharing our happy news, I'm feeling the loss all over again. 

So my message today...

• If you have suffered a miscarriage, you are not alone. So many others share your pain and grieve alongside you. I know it hurts. But I promise there's hope. Don't be afraid to speak up about your experience -- you don't have to bear the burden alone. If you need someone to talk to, please, send me a message. 

• If you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, will you just let her know that you still remember her loss? Assure her that she and her baby are not forgotten, that her grief matters, no matter how long it's been. Please don't pretend to understand what she's feeling if you haven't been through it. Just let her know she's loved. 

Where summer meets fall...

white caps on Berner's Bay

Today was the warmest, sunniest day we've had here in a couple of weeks. Outside in a t-shirt, sandals, and lightweight pants, it definitely felt like summer.

At the same time, there were signs of the soon-coming fall all around: The wind was blowing hard, making whitecaps on the usually-calm bay. The fireweed blossoms have turned to their final fuzzy stage before dying off. And I found a dead salmon on the beach. Yes, fall is coming, even on what was otherwise a very summery day.

Windy!

After lunch at the Dining Hall, I took a walk down the beach, camera in hand, and oh, it was beautiful. The sun on my back, the wind in my face, seagulls and bald eagles flying over my head, waves crashing on the shore. It was a moment that the world was breathtaking. It was a moment that made me happy to be alive.

What does that one line say? "Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss." That's what that moment was like. Pictures don't capture it, because there are no sounds, no smells, no feeling of wind in your hair in a photograph. But here it is, and I hope you are some fraction of as enamored with this day as I was.

The fireweed blooms turning to fluff is a sure sign of summer's end.

Love Will Get Us Through

A couple weeks ago -- just a few days after our miscarriage happened -- Brett came in from working, opened his computer, and said he had a song playing in his head that he wanted to listen to. He found it saved on his hard drive, a song from an obscure singer from Canada named Dan Powers. I'd never heard of him or the song, "Love Will Get Us Through," but as we listened to it, the words of the chorus wrapped around my heart.

It's not enough to love you

Oh I wanna hold you

Yes. Yes, those were the words my heart wanted to say to my unborn baby, my baby whom I love but never got a chance to hold. It's not enough.

~   ~   ~

These days -- nearly a month past the loss -- I'm doing much better. Most of the time I feel pretty much like myself. But going back to normal is kinda scary, and at times I almost feel guilty for feeling better. I don't want to just move on and forget about the baby. I don't want other people to think that's the case.

But I know the Scripture, "Can a mother forget her child?" (Isaiah 49:15, paraphrased) is a rhetorical question. I won't forget. But I also don't have to dwell in continual sadness for the sake of remembering. I am free to laugh with my friends and participate in life and embrace the joy of the Lord...while accepting the pangs of grief that arise at unexpected moments...and knowing that I will never lose the love I have for my unborn little one. It's okay to move forward. God's Word instructs me to:

"We do not want you to...grieve as others do who have no hope." (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on..." (Philippians 3:13-14)

"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?" (Isaiah 43:19)

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy." (Psalm 126:5)

Sadness With Joy

First off, I want to say how grateful I am for the outpouring of love, support, and prayers from so many people, following my first blog post about our miscarriage. God has absolutely used all of your comments, messages, emails, and texts -- and for the ones here with me at camp, your daily hugs and check-ins -- to wrap His love around me and hold me up in this time of grief. Thank you for caring. Thank you for speaking kind words. Thank you for acknowledging the legitimacy of our loss. Thank you for praying. Thank you, those of you who have shared YOUR stories of miscarriage and infertility -- you remind me that this is a shared grief and I am not alone in it. Thank you all.

It has been 2 1/2 weeks since we lost our baby, and those days have been nothing short of a roller coaster. The physical after-effects and the insane hormones can drive a person crazy, if the actual grief wasn't enough. For several long days, I struggled with depression -- unable to get out of bed in the mornings, and a lack of desire or motivation to do anything except sleep and eat cereal (yes, I wanted cereal all the time, go figure). Thank God, that heaviness has lifted. Smiles and laughter are starting to come back, sometimes forced, sometimes genuine. I'm slowly easing back into "normal life."

"Normal life"...with an ever-present sadness. 

God is using this hurt for His good purpose and His glory. I can already see that, and I rejoice in it. This has opened up doors for wonderful conversations, opportunities to share both sorrows and comforts with others who are grieving, and chances to "give a reason for the hope that is in" me (1 Peter 3:15). If Brett and I had to endure this loss, then I'm incredibly thankful to see God using it for good, to know that it's not being wasted. 

photo from Etsy

At the same time, we still have to wake up every day and remember that our baby died. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I will never know my first child. I still have to see pictures of women with their pregnant bellies and newborn babies, and fight the awful feelings of jealousy, because I really am happy for them, deep down. I still wrestle with the fear of having another miscarriage. And I still wonder, every day, what our little one would have been like if he or she was able to be born.

Yes, there's a sadness that remains, but there's a peace and a quiet joy in the midst of it. God has a hope and a good future for us. I rest in believing our baby is in His arms. We are not of those who "grieve with no hope" (1 Thess 4:13). God is pulling us closer to Him and closer to each other as a couple. He has surrounded us with people who care. He is good, and we're going to be okay.

Held for a Moment, Loved Forever - Our Miscarriage Story

This is a difficult post to write.

Because miscarriage is a sensitive subject. People don't talk about it much. And honestly, there's part of me that really doesn't want the whole world to know it happened to me. But God has been teaching me this year about being real and vulnerable, and this situation should be no exception.  There's also a part of me that feels our story needs to be told; that believes that somehow, in sharing this, I'll do my part in breaking the awkward, painful silence that surrounds the subject of miscarriage in our culture.

I knew I was pregnant within a few days after it happened. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we hadn't been very diligent in preventing it that month, either. Obviously, there were no definitive physical signs yet, but I just had that intuitive feeling. Before it was possible to know...I knew.

For a week and a half, I meticulously recorded all my little symptoms and counted the days until I could take a home pregnancy test. Sometime during those 12 days, a friend came out to visit for an afternoon with her 6-week-old son. I cuddled baby Elias, mesmerized by his tiny handsome features, and was in awe of the two babies I held at that moment. It was like a sweet secret between God, baby Elias, my baby, and me. No one else knew yet.

Finally, the day came, and there were two pink lines on the test -- positive! My heart pounded with adrenaline, excitement, and joy as I tiptoed back into the bedroom, woke my husband, and told him the news. We laughed, cried, hugged, prayed, and laughed some more. What a surprise blessing from God! For the next few days, we tried to let this big life change sink in and become real to us. One of my favorite memories from that week is lying on our bed one afternoon during our off time, talking about what we would name our baby. That weekend, we called our parents and siblings to share the news with them, and the following week, we announced our pregnancy at the weekly camp staff meeting.

The announcement photo we made to tell my family about our baby.

On Friday, June 26th, we went for my first prenatal appointment. I was six weeks pregnant, so it was too early for an ultrasound, but the midwife talked to me about how I was feeling, gave me advice about my diet, and took blood for the standard prenatal blood testing. We were given a due date of February 18th. We scheduled a physical and another meeting with the midwife, and planned for the first ultrasound in mid-July.

And then Saturday came. I was bleeding when I got up that morning, and the cramps began soon after. Realizing what was happening, I stood over the bathroom sink, forehead against the mirror, and sobbed. I told Brett, and he prayed with me. I called the midwife. By 1:00 that afternoon, all the horror was over. My baby was gone, and I was left physically and emotionally empty.

In the days since then, I have experienced a full range of emotions, from overwhelming sadness to anger to hopelessness, including at times feeling completely void of emotion. Tears come at random, unexpected moments. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

Because as any mother can tell you, from the moment you know you're pregnant, you are a mom. And it changes you. It changes your heart, your thinking, your priorities, your identity.

I became a mom at the end of May. And at the end of June, I became a mom whose baby died. That one month has changed my life.

Brett made this little memory box, where I can keep our announcement
photo, our baby names list, etc. It's a good tangible piece of closure for me. 

Yet God is carrying me through. In the midst of all the grief, there is hope because of Jesus. Scripture has been comforting, especially the Psalms, and so have certain songs. Our first dance song from our wedding was "You Are Mine" by Enter the Worship Circle, and the words of that chorus have been echoing in my mind the last couple of days. I think of it as our for better or for worse song -- no matter what happens, we're together and God's got us. My husband has truly been Jesus to me during this time, and it's amazing to see how God is growing both of us and our faith through this trial.

And although suffering a miscarriage can be a very lonely and isolating experience -- many people are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, so they simply avoid or ignore the situation -- still, God provided a handful of people who have been a great help, a comfort, and sometimes simply a breath of fresh air to my hurting heart. I am thankful for those people who aren't scared away by the pain but are there to embrace me in the midst of it.

I rest assured that -- as one sweet friend reminded me -- death isn't God's plan. We're not meant to understand or accept death, she told me, because it was never how God wanted the world to be. Death and heartache happen because the enemy is in the world, and someday Jesus will redeem it and wipe all of our tears away. In the meantime, I can continue to trust that He is good...and trust that He will use this story and our baby's short life for His glory.