Long Distance Love: Lonely in a Crowded Room

  

Hello ladies! Today we have the privilege of hearing frommy friend Allison (Al for short!). She’s funny, a big sports fan, and loves Jesus a lot. Al and her now-fiance spent half a year apart, serving the Lord in different ministry outreaches, and today she’s sharing some tips on dealing with loneliness. 

This is the fifth post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

 

When you think about airports, what do you think of?  Fun memories with friends and family?  Going on a trip?  Sprinting to make it to your gate on time?

I don’t really think of these things when I think about airports.  In fact, I find airports a pretty lonely place.  One reason for that is because airports symbolize the time I was in a long distance relationship.

It was a warm and sunny day in April, but the weather did not really match what I felt.  Zach, my boyfriend at the time, who is now my fiancé, and I were parting ways, because we were called to two different ministries in opposite parts of the country.  This was the day we had dreaded for months, the day that he was leaving for Alaska.  Right when we stepped through the airport doors, what we had worried about for months was finally here.  Our hearts were already breaking for what we knew was coming – months of separation with little communication.  As he held me in his arms, I couldn’t help but think of the five months ahead without him, and the loneliness became real.

Being 3,000 miles apart from the person you love is difficult and incredibly lonely, and there were many days filled with tears and many emotions for both of us.  Even though Zach and I were surrounded by many people, loneliness was still a big factor because the most significant person was missing. 

What encouraged us to stick it out?  Well, we knew that we were called to each other, and that our relationship was worth fighting for.  So how did we deal with this loneliness?

 

Here are some ideas:

1. Prayer and Personal Devotions

Spending intentional time with God during the day was crucial for dealing with loneliness. We realized that the Lord was truly the only thing that could fill that void for us.  With that being said, we found His truth and His promises in Scripture, and held on to those.  Our dependency on Christ grew immensely during those five months, and that in itself has helped our relationship even now.

2. Physical Reminders

Something that we did to help with loneliness was we had things that reminded us of each other. For example, Zach took one of my Goofy stuffed animals and set it on his desk.  It reminded him of me because Goofy has always been my favorite character.  And for me, I wore the heart necklace that Zach gave to me.  It represented how much he loved me.

3. Find Things to Do

To deal with loneliness, Zach and I came up with activities that we could do. This would give us time to recharge and distract our mind with something that we enjoyed doing.  For example, Zach would go fishing, and I would go play sports.  Going along with this, we would remind ourselves of why we were at our place of ministry.  This means that we would focus on our job, who we were ministering to, and why we were there.

4. Set Aside Time to Talk to Each Other

Like I said, we were 3,000 miles apart and weren’t able to talk on a regular basis because cell phone service was non-existent in Alaska, where Zach was. And it was spotty where I was at times, but we still made each other a priority in our lives. The distance wasn’t a free pass to live our own separate lives for five months.  When we were able, we would try to text each other throughout the day, and every week or two, we would make accommodations to be able to talk on the phone.  It helped with loneliness because we knew we had those moments to look forward to.

 

Even though this was an incredibly difficult time for us, we are stronger today because of our time apart.  We had to be intentional and diligent in working on our relationship in a way that I never thought we would have to, and it was a beautiful thing in the midst of the sadness.  Now, Zach and I are engaged and getting married later this year!  Today, we try to remember the things that God revealed during this time, because there were many lessons learned, and I pray we will always remember.  Zach and I are so thankful for the Lord’s faithfulness in our relationship, and that no matter how challenging it became, He never left us.  We know that we are loved by Christ, and by each other, so in the midst of loneliness, this constant reminder is what got us through.

Long Distance Love: Lessons Learned in Long Distance Marriage

 Hi girls! I’m excited for you to read this post by my 

long-time friend Andria. Due to job reasons, she and her husband have been living partially long distance for almost a year. Andria’s message is painfully honest but full of hope and encouragement. Read on!

This is the fourth post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

 

 

I’m Andria, and I’m honestly so excited to be able to share about my current experience in living a slightly single life due to a partial long distance marriage.

My husband Zach and I have been pretty inseparable since we were young. We met at 15 in the praise band for our youth group and began dating around age 17. We have been together ever since, and are currently going on 4 years strong. Up until last year, God’s plan had kept us together. We purchased our first home, and began making preparations to start a family. Throughout a series of unfortunate events; however, Zach’s place of business made some serious changes for the worst. He decided to hold out and hoped things might improve, but they never did.

During this time, he’d met some friends who had gotten him interested in a new career. This was an opportunity to travel the country doing something he loved. As a wife, it was bittersweet. So proud of him for being able to experience this, but at the same time sad by the fact that he’d be gone…A LOT! But I knew this is what God was calling us to be a part of, so we began our journey in July of last year.

I’m fairly a newbie when it comes to long distance relationships, so I’m learning as I go. Family gatherings, holidays, special events – those things go by and sometimes you’re alone. Without a lot of prayer, family support, and honestly trying to maintain EVERY SINGLE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT, this lifestyle becomes very daunting. There are so many opportunities for Satan to do what he does best — seek to kill, steal, and destroy your relationship. And for women especially, he knows the absolute best ways to knock you down.

So here’s what I’ve come to learn in the past few months.

1. The most important thing is BOTH of your relationships with Christ.

Pray for each other whenever that person comes to mind. Thank God for the relationship, and pray He sustains it. Read your Bible, do a daily devotion, go into a room in your home and worship Him. Do whatever gets you to a deeper connection with God, and in turn He will bless it.

2. Openly Communicate.

Yes, this gets tricky sometimes. Someone might get hurt. Let’s be serious, many a mental breakdown WILL occur. But you can’t hide hurts, concerns, fears. This will only cause bitterness & resentments and will in turn most likely cause the demise of your relationship. Here the Fruits of the Spirit need to become intertwined. Let me just go ahead and tell you Self-Control is not my strong suit. Remember the other person hurts just as much as you probably do. Talk it out, hear the other person. USE THE FRUITS!

3. Be Fun.

Something that gets Zach and I through his intermittent travels is being fun, and that can be so many different things. You know your person. You know how their brain works. Send them funny pictures, videos, memes, etc… Use your imagination! Find something that will make the other smile, maybe even a sweet message. 

4. Relax!

Life gets tough without your other half around. Anyone who’s involved in a long distance relationship knows that’s a given. But you can’t allow yourself to become a victim, or you will miss out on so much that God has to offer you in this experience. Some people will never understand this specific thing and that’s okay. God will reveal Himself other ways to other people in different situations. BUT YOU, get to see God work a special way. So open your hands, let go of control, and let God intervene. Relax (yes, easier said than done).

 

Distance can be a beautiful thing. It can make you stronger, wiser, more patient, more caring, but all of that doesn’t come easy. Along with it comes heartache, anger, and confusion, but remember these things are not characteristic of how God operates. Probably the most beautiful thing will be the scars and bruises you will acquire from being so often at the feet of Jesus.

Long Distance Love: Before You're Face to Face Again

  

Today, meet my sweet friend Reagan, who lives on the opposite side of the world from me in Thailand! Reagan is currently in a long-distance relationship, and has some wise words to share about preparing to meet your distanced love face-to-face again. 

This is the third post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

When Ashley gave me the list of topics to write on, I picked too late. The topic I felt I could actually write on with any ounce of dignified authority was already taken. I skimmed the list a few times and landed on this one.

And then I sort of laughed on the inside. Not a funny laugh, mind you. A “yep, of course it’s this one” laugh. A “this is the one I suck at the most” laugh.

For a bit of background, my boyfriend and I both serve as missionaries in the country of Thailand. We live about 3 hours apart and get to see each other about 2-3 weekends a month. So preparing to see each other face-to- face again is something we have the opportunity to do relatively often.

Our situation is a bit more unique in that we met online and talked for just over a year before meeting in person. We talked about everything—because what else can you do?—so our emotional intimacy was high. Needless to say, I had a lot of expectations for how our meeting face-to- face would go.

So okay, let’s just get this out of the way: we all want our magical fairy tale romance. We all want to pull up to the home/airport/sky train station (in my case) of our long-distance beau and to behold one another’s visage with pure satisfaction and delight after a long time apart and then blissfully revel in one another’s company all day and all night (until around midnight because then it’s time to go sleep at someone else’s house because we are all good Christian girls obviously) and then do the whole thing over again until it’s time for one of us to return home.

That’s what we expect, right? Or am I the only one?

So our first face-to- face meeting, right? It didn’t go well.

I had hoped for an instant connection, an unmistakable physical and emotional chemistry that matched what we had shared for so long over the phone and video chats online. But it was weird, and figuring out what to do with one another’s quirks and preferences and MOs was (and still is) a very real thing. So what do we do with that?

Maybe you’re in a similar boat as I am, or maybe it’s smooth sailing. But here are a few things I’ve picked up along the way that I think can help during the time you prepare to meet face-to- face again, regardless of your present experience.

Talk about your expectations beforehand.

What kinds of things would you like to do while you’re together? What time would you like to begin and end your days together? Will you be spending that time with other people? How much of it? These kinds of questions are especially important for those who differ greatly on the introversion-extroversion scale. Some people (I’m raising my hand on the inside) need a lot more down time than others to feel energized. And others love to get out and explore the world. Talk about how you can both best enjoy your upcoming time, and honor one another’s needs and desires as you express your own.

Also, keep in mind that some people love making detailed plans (me), and others would rather fly by the seat of their pants. So if you both are of the latter disposition, these kinds of conversations won’t be that involved, and that’s cool too.

And then lower them.

For some reason we (at least I) have this idea that we need to pack in all the conversations and activities we weren’t able to accomplish during our physical distance apart. But this just puts on a lot of unnecessary pressure to be awesome, when you can still be awesome just making brunch together and watching Netflix documentaries. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but not more capable of expending a month’s worth of physical and emotional energy in a few days. Chill out.

Focus on just hanging out and being normal and enjoying each other. Plan ahead to maybe do one or two of those really awesome things, but give yourselves grace if you don’t. You’ll get to all the other stuff in time.

Focus on the friendship.

This is the most meaningful one to me because it’s the one I don’t do well at all. And I am fully expecting my stance on this to not apply to everyone. All of our experiences are different, and this perspective is simply a reflection of mine.

After a string of one serious relationship after another, my hopes, dreams, and “specs” for my future husband have gotten higher, and my tolerance for the time it takes to figure out if this guy is him has gotten lower.

So instead of really being present in the moment with my guy, I am constantly temperature checking myself with thoughts like, Am I attracted to him? Why don’t I feel excited right now? Is it okay if this is a little boring? Will it always be this way? Is he just boring? Are we boring? Am I supposed to marry him? If we get married, will we always be bored??? All within the time it takes to lock the apartment front door and walk to the elevator. It’s pretty miserable, and it’s something I don’t do with anyone else. Do I have these kinds of thoughts about my friends? No. Family members? No. Just this impossible expectation for my boyfriend to entertain me 24/7.

I read a blog once about first face-to- face dates of people who met online. Obviously, this doesn’t entirely apply since we are talking about already-existing relationships, but I think a bit of the advice still works for us here.

“So what’s the best way to get past the awkward hello and uncertain chemistry on the very first meeting? My suggestion, take the romance off the table. What? …Yes, take the romance off the table and the expectation of instant chemistry. When meeting someone for the very first time say from an online connection, taking the romance off the table and focusing on developing a friendship is a much better way to start. This takes the pressure off the expectation of chemistry and the awkward hello has been switched to meeting a friend.” *

Take a breath. Not every second is going to be rainbows and butterflies. Prepare yourself during the time apart to not “feel it” all of the time. Plan to treat him like your good friends, the ones you don’t constantly wish were funnier or better-looking. And choose to love him like one of them too.

Before you meet again, remind yourself again and again that you are dating a human, not Jesus. And sometimes humans are a little tired or a little hangry or forget how you like your coffee, and it’s fine. Those are not the things that define your friendships, and they shouldn’t affect how you feel about him, either.

When we place an expectation on another human to fulfill our needs and desires, we make them an idol in our hearts. That’s not their job. Ask Jesus to take that wheel.

Treat your long-distance communication like your together communication.

I’m one who likes to be really honed in on the present conversation and nothing else when my boyfriend and I FaceTime. But I find that that’s not always the reality in our face-to-face time. Life happens, and in actuality, people don’t always just sit and stare at each other with no other distractions for an hour each day.

So if you want to make breakfast sometimes while Skyping your boo, that’s a real-life thing, and as long as you can multitask a little bit, it’s probably fine. Or sometimes one of you really has a paper to write and the other really has some Facebook stalking to catch up on, but you want to keep talking… so make your video chat window smaller, stick it in one of the corners of your screen, and work together, like you would do in real life. You could even plan a video chat date night, in which you both eat dinner and play a game online (we did Words With Friends once).

Of course, the multitasking ideas are not things you necessarily want to do as a rule. Having that dedicated time to really focus on one another is important and shows you care for one another enough to set aside that time just for them. But sometimes it’s okay to change things up to mimic how things will be in person.

Pray.

During your times alone with Jesus, talk to Him about the state of your heart. Share the joys and struggles of your life—including your romantic relationship—with Him. Humbly ask Him to show you areas where you have put your boyfriend above Him, and repent as the Lord reveals those things. Receive His love, grace, and joy. Ask Him to give you wisdom and lead you in your relationship. Entrust it to Him, knowing He is trustworthy. Ask Him to prepare your heart for seeing your boyfriend again. Ask Him to help you both act wisely and treat each other with honor once you are together.

Pray together.

Talk about your struggles with your boyfriend, and when he shares his, don’t just tell him you’ll pray for him later. Do it now. Talk about your expectations for your time together, and pray about them. Pray about your relationship. Pray about discerning God’s will for your next steps together. This is a pattern you want to establish whether you are together or apart. And it will hopefully keep you from going too crazy when you are together again.

Seek accountability.

This applies to any relationship, whether next-door or long-distance, but there is a lot of wisdom in having older, experienced people pour insight and Godly wisdom into your relationship. As you prepare to meet face-to- face with your boyfriend again—and as you leave each other and prepare to wait again—check in with these people in each of your lives, having them pray over the relationship with you, ask the tough questions, and help you exercise good judgment during the time you spend together by keeping you accountable.

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive, but I think it’s a good start. May God bless and lead you in the waiting!

*quote from You Lost Me at Hello: How to Get Past the First Awkward Meeting, by Jonathon Aslay. Full article here.

Long Distance Love: Don't Eat the Poptart

 For today’s post, I want to introduce you to my 

friend Tessa. Tess is an engineer, a great dancer, and recently started her dream business at Windsor Events… and she knows the challenges of taking your relationship long-distance for a season. Her advice is wise! 

This is the second post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

 

We’ve all been there.

It’s 3 o’clock.

You’re sitting in the office, and that turkey sandwich you had for lunch has long since worn off.  Your tummy is grumblier than Winnie the Pooh without his honeypot.  Then you see it…the vending machine.  And inside that giant metal box of empty calories is the Pop Tart.

Normally you would never go for that Pop Tart.  It’s just not good for you.  It’s full of sugar and artificial flavors, it has no substantial energy source, and let’s face it – they don’t even taste good!

So why?  Why do you want that Pop Tart so bad?

The answer is simple, and it has nothing to do with the Pop Tart and everything to do with your circumstances.  You are hungry, bored, and you’ve forgotten about the delicious dinner you have planned for later.  Your circumstances have clouded your view and changed your desires. 

I spent two summers doing “long distance” with my now husband.  While we powered through the second summer, I am less than proud of the first one.

Someone I worked with used to called it sailor vision.  It was the idea that when a person is separated from someone they love for a long period of time, they start to become attracted to anyone they feel close to.  We become so lonely and so desperate for that meaningful connection, that people we do not belong with start to look pretty attractive.  We begin to be drawn to people that are at best a poor match for us and at worst a toxic addition to our lives.

During my first summer spent in “long distance,” I allowed sailor vision to get the better of me.  I cannot begin to describe the pain that it caused for so many people, myself and my husband included.  While I have been incredibly blessed to have reconciled with my now husband through God’s unending grace, I have also lost multiple friendships as a result.  People I once called good friends, I now refer to as someone I used to know.  All this said with a half-smile and a sick stomach.  I have witnessed it in many other relationships also, and the results are always painful.

So how do you keep yourself from getting sailor vision?

1. Awareness – Just be mindful of the potential danger. Be careful.  Practice that Christian cliché and guard your heart!
2. Remember – Remember who you love and why you love them. Remind yourself of these things.  Remember that the separation is only temporary.
3. Jesus – We need closeness! We need that meaningful connection.  Our loneliness is real, but we serve a God who loves us and who is ready to be our comforter.  Turn to God for closeness and connection.

 

All this said, that Pop Tart might not be as bad as we first thought, but it’s just not right for you.  Because you have dinner plans.   

Long Distance Love: Openness Across Miles

Today I’m excited to introduce you to Chelsea, my sister-in-law and one of my best friends. Chelsea’s story is unique in that she and her husband Derek had both a long-distance dating relationship and now a partially-long-distance marriage as well. I hope you enjoy her story and the advice she has to share! 

This is the first post in the Long Distance Love series. 

 

Hello ladies! I’m Chelsea, and I have the opportunity to talk to you about being real/open with your human even though you are not face to face.

I want to give you a little history on myself before I begin. I was pretty set on being single forever, but God had other plans and allowed me to meet my husband at Ashley’s wedding! We were paired together at their wedding and we talked a bunch that weekend. He added me on Facebook and I messaged him a few days later, and it continued from there. We started dating in February 2015, but the kicker is that he was in Alaska and I was in Missouri, so we had a three hour time zone difference and almost 4,000 miles of separation. During that summer, we were only able to talk on the weekends because I was counseling at a summer camp, so we had even less opportunity for communication during that time. We were engaged in September 2015, and I made the decision to move to Alaska that November before we got married to spend real time together, so I moved my stuff and lived with his parents.

But surprise! He works a job where he is gone two weeks at a time, so we were and are still separated half the time. We have been married for 14 months and we have been making this long-distance-half-the-time-marriage work. It can be difficult to navigate distance and communication when you’re not face to face, but if you’re anything like me, talking through text and email can be easier.

You see, we all have different ways of communicating. I’m better at being open when I write, and my husband is better at being open when we’re face to face. When we were dating, talking through text was the easiest way for me to be real with my man, because I could say anything without having to worry about his body language and potential thoughts. It gave me the freedom to be myself without any pressure to be someone else.

But talking through text also means there’s a lot more room for miscommunications, because you can’t hear the person’s tone. When we were engaged, we finally decided to talk on the phone. It was either because we miscommunicated and needed to work it out, or it was because actually hearing each other was better. Whatever the reason, we talked on the phone and I learned how to be open the way my man appreciates openness.

All this to say that the key to being real and open when you’re not with each other is learning to communicate in different ways. If you’re a writer, try being verbal. If you thrive on being verbal, try being open through writing. Research and read about communicating, and put those tips into practice. The more you learn and the more you practice, the easier it gets to be real and open when you’re long distance.

Chelsea & Derek, photo credit Ashley Kilmer Photography

One thing that has helped us through being apart is learning the other person’s love language. There’s a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and it was required to read for our premarital counseling. We read it and took the test when we were engaged, and it’s helped us understand how our needs are different. Reading the book was a good way for us to ask the difficult questions, get each other talking about needs, and get each other talking about what is working and what needs to change. We receive love in different ways and that’s great, but you have to learn to be creative in showing it when you’re apart. Just like you have to learn how to communicate in different ways, you have to be flexible and learn to give love in ways your partner will receive it.

 
On the flip side, how do you navigate being real and open when you’re actually together?

In real time, my man came to visit me in January before we started officially dating, then for a week in May and a week in July. After camp was over that summer, I visited him in August. It’s safe to say that it can be a little awkward at first if you’re used to only talking through text, but as you get comfortable being with each other, it gets easier.

A few tips for cultivating openness when you’re together:

1. Asking questions, easy and difficult, is very important. If questions aren’t really your thing, Google can give you some ideas for good questions to break the ice, and get-to-know-you questions.
2. When you’re with each other, be observant. Listen to what they say, watch their body language, watch how they treat other people.
3. Most likely, your person will meet your friends and family. Listen to their opinions of your guy. If they don’t like him or they bring up concerns, don’t push it aside. Take what they have to say into consideration, think about it, and pray over it.
4. Don’t go through your real time with each other wearing rose colored glasses. Instead, pay attention, and if you see red flags, pray and ask God for wisdom, talk to a trusted confidant about it, and don’t be afraid to call him out on what you see.

God has been good to us as we go through the challenges of being apart. God has to be in the center of your life and your relationship in order for it to work. If He’s not, then it might work for a little while, but when things get tough, it might not seem worth it to keep going. Long distance relationships can be challenging, but they can be well worth it if you put in the time and effort.

Long Distance Love Series

If you’ve ever been in one, you know….

Long distance relationships are TOUGH.

I get it; I’ve been there. I was in one relationship where we met online, ‘dated’ long distance for 3 months, and thought it really might be going somewhere…and then it all fell through when we actually met in person, because he wasn’t who he had portrayed himself to be.

My now-husband and I spent a portion of our relationship living across the country from each other, as well.

So I know that when you’re trying to maintain an intentional, God-honoring relationship while separated by miles and time zones, things can get tricky. Complicated. Mixed-up. Misunderstood. And just plain hard.

This week, I’ve teamed up with some sweet, lovely friends of mine to bring you a series of encouragement and advice in your long-distance relationship. Watch for a new post every day this week! These topics and more will be covered:

Dealing with loneliness 
Being honest despite distance
Preparing to meet face-to-face

and more! (some of my guest writers are still getting their drafts to me, so I haven’t even read them all yet… but the ones I’ve got so far are great and you’re gonna love them!)

Two easy ways you can catch each new post as it goes live: 

1. At the top of my sidebar —> there’s a place you can enter your email address to subscribe. You’ll get each new post right in your inbox.
2. Hop over to Facebook and LIKE the Be Still Waiting Heart page, then watch for the new posts to appear in your newsfeed.

 

Happy Easter, friends. See you tomorrow with the first post in the series!

 

UPDATE! Here you can find all the posts in this series. Feel free to send the link to someone you know who might enjoy reading them!

Day 1: Openness Across Miles by Chelsea

Day 2: Don’t Eat the Poptart by Tessa

Day 3: Before You’re Face to Face Again by Reagan

Day 4: Lessons Learned in a Long Distance Marriage by Andria

Day 5: Lonely in a Crowded Room by Al

 

I would love to hear what you think of these ladies’ posts, so leave a comment!