30 People, Day 3: Mama

 

Shout-Out to Mama – you had a huge role in shaping who I am today. One thing specifically comes to mind, one important aspect of how you raised me up that still has great impact in my daily life.

Thank you for teaching me to memorize Scripture. It wasn’t always my favorite thing as a child and young teen, but as an adult, I’m forever grateful to have The Word hidden in my heart, thanks to the many hours of sitting around the kitchen table, quoting the passages phrase-by-phrase, verse-by-verse. Even now, on those days when I don’t know what to read, what to pray, what to even think, I find my mind returning to those old familiar Scriptures that still roll easily off my tongue — Psalm 23. Psalm 139. Romans 12. Colossians 3. 1 John 1.

What a vital lesson to have learned in childhood; what life-giving words to carry into adulthood. Thanks for this priceless gift, Mama.

Challenge to readers:
In the comments below, give a shout-out to your mom, or another mother-figure in your life. Tell us the difference she made in your life! Then reach out to her with a note, text, or in person, and tell her what she means to you. 

30 People, Day 2: Daddy

 

Shout-Out to Daddy, the man who set the standard for me. Every little girl’s hero is her daddy… or at least, in an ideal world, he should be. And I was definitely a Daddy’s girl!

Thank you for setting the bar high and showing me that a good man is humble, respectful, kind, and hardworking. Your steadiness was a safe place to grow up. The gentle way you treated your wife and four daughters set an example for the sort of husbands we would all look for, and that should make you proud.

The father-daughter relationship is a vital and life-shaping one, and you’ve done it well. Thanks for handling our fragile and sometimes-dramatic hearts like a gentleman.

 

Challenge for readers:
In the comments below, give a shout-out to your dad, or another important father-figure in your life. Then, in a note, a text, or face-to-face, tell him how important he is in your life!

Write31Days: Day 1, Here's the Topic!

 

Friends, it’s October, which means it’s time for the annual Write31Days ! Bloggers all over the world will be taking part in this challenge to write a blog post EVERY day this month on ONE overarching topic.

A few weeks ago, I posted a poll on the Be Still Waiting Heart Facebook page, asking what topic readers would like me to write on this month. The winning response, and my chosen subject for Write31Days…

30 People Who Changed My Life

This will be a series of appreciation posts, shout-outs to individuals who have blessed or influenced me in some significant, life-shaping way. I can tell you I’m already having fun with it, just making the list and starting the first few posts. God has put some amazing people in my path over the last 31 years! I can’t wait to tell you about some of them.

I invite you to go ahead and bookmark this page and/or subscribe to Be Still Waiting Heart, so you can find the new posts each day.

Hopefully, along the way, you’ll be inspired — to express thanks to someone who has blessed you, and to be the kind of person who breathes life into the people around you. Here we go!

10 Years Since 21

 

Today’s my 31st birthday. YIKES. Really, I haven’t thought much about it or had many feelings about it…. until, like, yesterday.

{ Note to self: Thirty-one is too old to still be using “like” as a sentence-filler. Stop it. }

Suddenly, in my mind, 31 sounded OLD.

Thirty was kind of a bridge, like I was barely out of my late 20’s. But now I’m a whole year into thirty. No more in between. I’m legitimately in my 30’s now.

Today I was reading a few other ladies’ blogs about turning thirty-one, and one of them pointed out that it’s been an entire decade since we were 21. WHAT? I’m not even sure how that’s possible. So I went to the old trusty Facebook, to look at some pictures and statuses from my year of being 21. I share a few of these treasures here….

I felt like 21 was “too old” to have an actual birthday party (since my family & friend group were not alcohol-drinkers), so instead I had a few girlfriends over for a non-birthday backyard cookout.

It was the year of weddings. I was a bridesmaid once, help host two bridal showers, and attended at least one additional wedding. It was strange to watch my friend group start marrying off….

I was part of an amazing women’s Bible study group that had a huge impact on my life and my faith. Still so grateful for these women to this day!

Also, thank you, Early Facebook Years, for that time when our currently-known-as “Timeline posts” were called “status updates” and were extremely basic and usually started with “Ashley is…” I got a good laugh out of reading a year’s worth of these.

I was also reminded how we used to actually use Facebook to keep in touch with friends. Yes, really. Remember writing actual messages back and forth to each other?

I suppose I’m digressing… but hey, thanks for indulging my reminiscing of life ONE DECADE ago. A lot has happened in that decade. For one, I figured out that God loved me whether I felt like it or messed up or what. I also moved out on my own for the first time, got my associate’s degree, found my calling into camp ministry, dated for the first time, “fell in love” with about three or four different guys, traveled the world, figured out that I like sushi, went through an intense questioning-and-wrestling season with God, moved to Alaska, and met my husband.

And then turned 31.

Remember when we were teenagers and imagined what kind of adults we would be? The 30’s seemed so far away then — so old and mature, being settled in, knowing all the things and having life figured out.

Ha ha!

If you’re still young enough to have that idea, let me be the one to tell you that being in your 30’s is not quite the grown-up-and-figured-it-all-out picture in your head. I still feel young most of the time (unless I’m around college kids, who have way too much energy). I still get mistaken for a 20-year-old at least a couple times a year. I don’t have kids yet, which I imagined I’d have years ago and be well into “mom life” by now. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life next year, much less in five years. I love where I live, but wouldn’t say I’m “settled” – we still consider ourselves in a pre-settled, transient lifestyle. I still bum off my parents’ Netflix account. I don’t own a house or have a retirement fund, and I got most of my furniture for $50 or less. Also, I still use “like” in a sentence multiple times a day.

It’s definitely not what my teenage self imagined that thirty-one would look like. But it’s my life, the life God has given me. Thirty-one years on this planet has been one epic, joyous, bittersweet adventure, and today, I’m right where I’m meant to be.

{ Bonus, hubby and I decided that in another 10 years, when we’re forty, we can have a midlife crisis and do something crazy and unexpected. Like, you know, buy an RV or something. }

My Almost First Kiss

 

He was pretty much my best friend. We worked together, had a mutual friend group, and hung out a lot, which progressed to a closer friendship, texting throughout the days, and late-night chats.

I hadn’t seen it, but one of our mutual friends ‘tipped me off’ that he had feelings for me, which kinda freaked me out. Because though I recognized that I had feelings for him, too, I could also see that our lives weren’t heading the same direction, and he wasn’t the one God had for me. So we agreed to keep it in the friend zone, but continued with all the talking and texting.

That February, I was lying in bed with my phone, texting him goodnight. I mentioned that I wished I had a date for Valentine’s Day.

He offered to take me out on a date. As friends, of course.

Admittedly, that’s exactly what I’d been hoping for when I said that.

So I agreed to a Valentine’s Day date, just as friends.

On the evening of February 14th, he picked me up with chocolates and flowers in hand, like a real gentleman. We went out to dinner, shared a dessert, cruised around town in his awesome little car, and went to see a movie at the dumpiest little theater in town, where only one other couple was in the whole room.

We had an amazing night, full of laughter.

After the movie, he drove me back to the house and we stood in the front yard talking for a few minutes. I was cold, and he put his arm around me to warm me up.

And oh, I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it so badly.

But he didn’t.

Because we were just friends…. friends who really liked each other, but just friends.

After we parted ways, I talked to God and told Him how much I’d wanted my first kiss that night, how disappointed I was. The next morning during my quiet time, my head and heart still churning with these feelings, I came across Isaiah 30:13.

“This iniquity will be to you
like a breach about to fall,
like a bulge in a high wall,
whose collapse comes suddenly in an instant.”

In context, this Scripture is speaking prophecy to Israel regarding their sin and rebellion. I recommend leaving Scripture in its intended context, unless the Holy Spirit absolutely enlightens it to you in a specific way. Just saying.

Anyway, in the moment I read that, I felt God was telling me if I’d had that kiss the night before… if I had gotten what I wanted, given in to my desire, and kissed him, I would have been like that crumbling wall in the Scripture.

You see, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be with him, but I was holding my feelings for him just barely in check.

A kiss from him would have set those feelings free, I wouldn’t have been able to stop them, and I would be tumbling into a dating relationship that I wasn’t meant to be in.

And I realized something else, too. I had saved my first kiss for that long already. Twenty-something years. That’s a long time to save a first kiss, but I was committed to waiting for the right man. So why, after saving it twenty-something years, would I want to carelessly give it away on a fuzzy-feeling-filled, friend-zone Valentine’s Day date?

My first kiss was worth more than that. And I’m so thankful that I didn’t give it away that night.

Because I loved that friend dearly and I had a blast with him in that life season…

But a few years later, I stood under the Northern Lights in Alaska and shared my very first kiss with the man who I knew would be my husband. And it was beautifully magical.

Twenty-something years is a long time to save a first kiss, but every year of waiting was worth it.

Speaking Truth Over My Body

I woke up early and stuck my basal thermometer in my mouth – just like every morning.

Two minutes later, my temperature reading was low – just like every morning.

If you’re not familiar with basal temperature charting, the basic premise is that body temperature rises when ovulation occurs, and drops again right before menstruation. Many women use this simple method to track the monthly rise and fall, to know where they are in their cycle.

In my case, it’s just frustrating to wake up and temp, morning after morning, and never see that elusive “rise” for weeks or months. Another low temperature meant that my hormones still weren’t right, and I still wasn’t having normal cycles. Thanks for nothing, PCOS.

All that to say, that morning I was disappointed. Angry. Frustrated. Wondering why my body couldn’t work right. And definitely not talking nicely to myself. 

So, still lying in bed, I began to pray – trying to refocus my thoughts, to be okay, to get to a mental and emotional place where I could start the day right. As I silently prayed, the Lord brought the Armor of God from Ephesians 6 to my mind, so I began to recite the pieces from head to toe.

“The helmet of salvation.
The breastplate of righteousness.
The shield of faith.
The belt of truth…” 

I got stuck on that one. The belt of truth… I’d once heard a pastor say that the belt guards your most private, most sensitive parts. And this Scripture came to mind: “You desire truth in the innermost being” (Psalm 51:6). 

So I took a deep breath and began to ask God:  What does it mean to have the belt of truth guard my innermost being? How do I speak truth over my innermost being – those parts of my body that don’t work correctly – instead of speaking frustration and condemnation to it?

Immediately, He began to remind me of the truths:

“For You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

“Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you.”

“I will not be ashamed, but….Christ will be honored in my body.”

Friends, this was eye-opening for me. As I fight with the disease of PCOS and am daily reminded that my female body fails to operate the way it’s meant to, it’s easy to fall into the exact mindset I was in that morning — of harsh and disappointed thoughts toward myself and my body.

The truth is that God intentionally, lovingly, and creatively crafted this body of mine, just as He did yours, and He did so for His beautiful purposes. 

Does this mean God gave me a hormonal disorder and wants me to suffer its side effects and heartaches? No, it doesn’t. Disease is in this world because sin is in this world. But I’m reminded that He is Lord over all of it.

On a recent Sunday, my pastor said that God is working on the microscopic level of our lives — the smallest of details that we can’t even see. I think that includes our hormones and our dysfunctional innermost parts.

Where are you tempted to speak harsh or frustrated words toward your body? Maybe it’s not your hormones, but maybe it’s your weight, your acne, or your invisible illness. I encourage you to ask the Lord to show you HIS TRUTH that you can speak over your body today. Our words and thoughts are so powerful.

Let truth guard your innermost being. 

What to Ask a Missionary

 Working in full time camp ministry, of course our biggest “mission fields” are the 700+ campers who attend each summer, the adults and families who come for retreats, and our college-age summer staff. But in addition to these, we also have opportunity for ministry to those who come to serve with us — short term volunteers and mission teams.

These groups can bring a lot of mutual encouragement, them to us and us to them. They can bring opportunities for great conversations and learning from one another.

Yet often, I find myself backing away from these people and avoiding those conversations, and there’s one big reason…

I get sick of answering the same questions over and over and over.

Because every single visitor or volunteer who comes through this place – and that’s a lot in a summer’s time – will ask me the same questions: basic, get-to-know-you, introductory-level questions.

Not bad questions. Basic informational stuff. But it’s a conversation that becomes so repetitive, I feel like my answers are rehearsed and memorized. That makes it feel like I’m not truly engaging with the person or talking about anything real — just the same blah blah blah I just told that other person 5 minutes ago or yesterday or last week. So it makes me want to hide and not engage at all… but that’s not healthy either.

A couple weeks ago, a short-term volunteer was here at camp and as I had a conversation with her, I was pleasantly surprised by some of the questions she asked me. They were questions like…

What are some ways this town is different than where you’re from? 
What is the culture and spiritual atmosphere like here?
How does that culture affect you?
What do you like about the church you go to? 

They were different questions, yes, but more importantly, they were questions I actually had to think about. No rote, rehearsed answers. This conversation required me to dig deep and share my experience, rather than a story I’ve told a million times.

It was refreshing, life-giving.

Am I saying “don’t ever ask a missionary what they do or how they got where they are”? No, certainly not. If you’re engaging in conversation with a person in full-time ministry, and you don’t know that story, you’ll probably want to know… and that’s fine.

My encouragement is to go above and beyond that. Think harder and dig deeper. Don’t just stop at, So how long have you been here? Oh that’s nice. Try to remember that they have likely answered that question a hundred times before, especially if they are working in a field that welcomes volunteer teams. Keep going and ask some deeper questions:

Ask about friends they’ve made in their mission field environment.
Ask about people they miss back home.
Ask what culture shock was like.
Ask what’s the most challenging part of their ministry.
Ask what they love about the town, state, or country they’re ministering in.
Ask what God has been teaching them lately.
Ask for their advice about your own life season.

Missionaries are just real people like you and me. People working in full-time ministry need good conversation and encouragement, too. And your willingness to engage in a real dialogue might be more life-giving than you realize.

An open letter to summer

 Dear summer,

Over the last several years, our relationship has come to revolve around one thing – summer camp ministry. It’s fun and adventurous and all kinds of crazy, and we’ve seen so many kids’ lives changed by the Lord… but it’s also really tough.

Sometimes I miss the things we used to do together – days at the water park, trips to the beach, shorts and flip flops, lazy afternoons on the porch swing. Summer, you’re not easy and relaxing anymore like you were back in the day. Not since I became part of this camp ministry in Alaska.

Year-round hoodie weather!

These days are exhausting.

The details are stressful.

This work load is sometimes too overwhelming.

Sometimes, summer, I feel like you’re just too much and I need a break from you. These days I struggle to even find time to spend with the Lord or to refill my emptied-out self. You take everything I’ve got.

But I’m reminded that you’re a season of encouragement and spiritual renewal for so many youth who come to this camp. You provide opportunity for young people to step away from their normal and come aside to a beautiful place where they are taught of Jesus. And my exhaustion is part of what paves the road to their revival. While I am feeling ‘poured out,’ someone else is being filled up.

And so I think you are worth it, summer. The long days, short nights, and stress you bring me are worth it if I am where God has called me to be, and if more children are brought into the Kingdom of God.

With fondness, sleepiness, and mixed feelings,

Ashley

Hope: My Mother's Day Gift

 It’s Mother’s Day.

Today (even though I’m working) I’m wearing one of my favorite shirts, because it makes me smile and I feel pretty.

Today I’m wearing my necklace I got in memory of my baby.

Today I’m reading lots of texts from sweet friends, letting me know they are thinking of me and praying for me on what might be a difficult day. And I’m so, so immensely grateful for each one of them and their love for me.

Today I’m thankful for my mama, my grandmas, my sister who is now a mom, and a few other ladies who have been wonderful and motherly in my life.

Today I’m lifting up silent prayers for my cysters and other beautiful ladies I know who have lost babies, or are struggling to have one.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I would feel today… whether I would be peaceful, indifferent, melancholy, or a total wreck. It’s still morning, so who knows, I might hit all of those stages before the day is over. But overall, I feel what I’ve felt for the past few days – grateful for hope. 

This winter I got to hear Annie F. Downs speak at a conference, and she said: “Hope is expensive. Hope is not a fruit of the Spirit – it comes through trial and perseverance.” I have found this to be so true. This week I’ve been reflecting on the wonder it is to possess hope, and how kind my Heavenly Father is to allow me to keep on hoping.

Because hope keeps us going. Some days, when you’re walking a rocky road to motherhood, it can be difficult to keep hope alive, and on those days, you just want to lie on the floor and cry. The world is dull and you feel lifeless.

But when there is hope alive and beating in your heart, then… even though there may be sadness, grief, confusion, or frustration… even though plans and expectations might (and probably will) fall through… that hope is a force that keeps you walking forward.

Keeps you getting up in the morning.
Keeps you looking to the Lord and praising Him.
Keeps you making the plans and entrusting them to Him.
Keeps you smiling, believing that life is still good even when it hurts.

So this Mother’s Day, yes, there’s a sadness in my heart for the children I’m not snuggling today. Yes, I’ll probably stay off Facebook for the rest of the day. But I’m thankful… thankful to have hope for the future and thankful that no matter what, the hope God gives me is eternal.