To Wait, Not Worry

 “If I’m not seeing action on His [God’s] part, it’s very likely my flesh will start striving and my spirit will become exhausted from the toiling.” 

– She Reads Truth devotion ‘Sparrows and Kings‘

 

And this is why Scripture tells me to “Cease striving and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) and to “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him” (Psalm 37:7), and asks me, “Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27).

Worrying and striving does no good. It simply shows a lack of trust in the Sovereign Father. Yet I’m just as prone to it as anyone else.

Back in my single days, when God wasn’t bringing me a husband and I thought He should be, I resorted to scouring the online dating sites, and striking up conversations with any guy friend who “could be a potential”… only to have my heart hurt over and over.

When I was leaving my job at one ministry and looking for a new full-time ministry position, and God wasn’t providing clear direction, I spent hours in desperate searching, emailing, and filling out applications…. only to hit closed doors again and again.

And now, in this season, when I so want answers and the wait is long and frustrating, I still find myself searching and trying to figure it all out.

Worrying. Striving.

And the Lord asks me, “Is that doing you any good?” Forgive me, Lord.

Oh, for the grace to wait patiently for Him! To resist the urge to take life into my own hands! I have spent so much of my life striving, searching, and trying to take control, when I only needed to be trusting and following Jesus. All along while I was worrying, He knew the good plans He had for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and each time, He brought me to the answers in His time, in a way that could have only been Him.

And He will do it again.

Jesus, help me to be still and trust in Your beautiful plans… to wait, not worry.

Moving Day and a New Season!

Hi friends, family, and other readers!
I guess it has been a while since I updated anything here. Thanks for still sticking around and reading the occasional update!

I've recently started a new blogging project over at BeStillWaitingHeart.com. The blog there is intended to be a ministry platform for women who are in the same seasons of life that I am or have recently been walking through -- singleness, relationships, engagement, and young marriage. It's really just getting started and I don't have many readers yet, but I'm praying that God will bless and expand it, so that it can really be used as a ministry. If you're in any of those categories, or you know someone who is, please feel free to hop on over there and take a look, or send someone the link! My prayer is to build it into a community and an outreach, a place of truth and hope.

In other news... today was moving day! While we (Brett especially) will still be out to camp at least once a week, today was the day we officially changed our "home base" from camp to Juneau. The last few weeks have been a crazy in-between phase where we've lived half at camp and half in town. It will be really nice to be settled in here in Juneau for the winter.

We've spent the day working on our new apartment that we're renting in Juneau -- cleaning, freshening the place up, arranging furniture, unpacking, etc. It will probably take another day or two to get everything situated and settled. We are excited about making it "home" for the winter and about hopefully having some friends over soon after everything is unpacked and organized. Now that we're done with the camp season and living in town again for a few months, it will be good to catch up and rekindle relationships with our friends and acquaintances here.

Speaking of winter, relationships, and such, I'm working on putting together a video that highlights what "winter ministry" looks like for us as Echo Ranch staff. Certainly our winters look different from our summers, but it's all one big picture. Winter Ministry can be difficult to explain to people, so I'm hoping this video will help portray it a little better.

Hope you all are doing well!
Keep in touch!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

 Today, October 15th, is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.

It’s a day to remember and to honor our little ones – our babies we got to hold for only a very short time, and then had to release to heaven. It’s a day to acknowledge that the loss is real. It’s a day to say, We still love you. We still miss you.

When I had my miscarriage this past June, and shared the story publicly, I was blown away by all the women in my life who told me that they, too, had lost a baby. Some had miscarried once, others two or three times. For some it had been just a month before, others 40 years ago, but they all remembered. They remembered the experience, the emotion, the grief.

And for me, talking to them was part of my healing. There’s an instant bond between women who have shared this experience, the death of a baby – a bond of being able to truly say I understand what you’re going through. So I am thankful for the women in my life who bravely spoke up, letting me know that they understood my grief, that they had been where I was. It’s so easy to feel isolated after having a miscarriage, and knowing I wasn’t alone made a huge difference.

Since then, roles have reversed. Now I’ve had the opportunity to be the woman who went through a miscarriage four months ago, saying I understand to someone who went through it a few days ago.

I guess what I want to say in all of this is, ladies, let’s not be afraid to tell our stories. Whether your story is miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, infertility, the death of a child… There is someone else out there who has been through or is going through the same thing. Did you know 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss? You might have the opportunity to speak truth and comfort to someone who is hurting. Or you might receive comfort and understanding from an unexpected source. Either way… your story matters.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.  (1 Corinthians 1:3-4) 

Be Still Waiting Heart

Hey girls,

I've just launched my new blog, "Be Still Waiting Heart."  It's designed for young women -- single, in a relationship, or married. There are just a few posts up so far, so it's still a work in progress. Please check it out and let me know what you think!

Ashley

The Rings Remind Me

 

Today I’ve been really noticing my wedding rings.

I’ve been wearing these rings constantly for 9 months — and the one for 4 months longer than that — yet I haven’t noticed them this much since the very beginning of the engagement. The diamond catches the light as I read, blow dry my hair, or sit talking to a friend, and my eyes are drawn to it. And I think it’s a sparkling reminder to me of my marriage — its beauty, its constancy.

Marriage is hard and frustrating some days, and I think God’s using my rings to remind me to cherish it, to cherish my husband, because we are committed for life. It’s not something I can push aside or ignore or give up on. It is constantly there, for 13 months and counting…for the rest of our lives! It’s not just an accessory; it’s life. It’s part of me. He is part of me.

I will fight for this, for the good and health of our marriage.

twelve weeks.

This week, I should have been 12 weeks pregnant. This week, I should be calling friends and family members who didn't know yet, posting cute photos on Facebook of my husband and me holding adorable ultrasound photos, and telling the world about our baby. 

Instead, I'm curled up on my couch thinking about what could have been, un-following everyone on Facebook who has a new baby because my heart can't handle seeing that, and coming here to remind the world... 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 

image source

And though I have been "getting better," and I've felt much more alive and much more like myself over the past few weeks, hitting this 12-week mark has a lot been harder than I anticipated. When I would have been sharing our happy news, I'm feeling the loss all over again. 

So my message today...

• If you have suffered a miscarriage, you are not alone. So many others share your pain and grieve alongside you. I know it hurts. But I promise there's hope. Don't be afraid to speak up about your experience -- you don't have to bear the burden alone. If you need someone to talk to, please, send me a message. 

• If you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, will you just let her know that you still remember her loss? Assure her that she and her baby are not forgotten, that her grief matters, no matter how long it's been. Please don't pretend to understand what she's feeling if you haven't been through it. Just let her know she's loved. 

Where summer meets fall...

white caps on Berner's Bay

Today was the warmest, sunniest day we've had here in a couple of weeks. Outside in a t-shirt, sandals, and lightweight pants, it definitely felt like summer.

At the same time, there were signs of the soon-coming fall all around: The wind was blowing hard, making whitecaps on the usually-calm bay. The fireweed blossoms have turned to their final fuzzy stage before dying off. And I found a dead salmon on the beach. Yes, fall is coming, even on what was otherwise a very summery day.

Windy!

After lunch at the Dining Hall, I took a walk down the beach, camera in hand, and oh, it was beautiful. The sun on my back, the wind in my face, seagulls and bald eagles flying over my head, waves crashing on the shore. It was a moment that the world was breathtaking. It was a moment that made me happy to be alive.

What does that one line say? "Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss." That's what that moment was like. Pictures don't capture it, because there are no sounds, no smells, no feeling of wind in your hair in a photograph. But here it is, and I hope you are some fraction of as enamored with this day as I was.

The fireweed blooms turning to fluff is a sure sign of summer's end.

Love Will Get Us Through

A couple weeks ago -- just a few days after our miscarriage happened -- Brett came in from working, opened his computer, and said he had a song playing in his head that he wanted to listen to. He found it saved on his hard drive, a song from an obscure singer from Canada named Dan Powers. I'd never heard of him or the song, "Love Will Get Us Through," but as we listened to it, the words of the chorus wrapped around my heart.

It's not enough to love you

Oh I wanna hold you

Yes. Yes, those were the words my heart wanted to say to my unborn baby, my baby whom I love but never got a chance to hold. It's not enough.

~   ~   ~

These days -- nearly a month past the loss -- I'm doing much better. Most of the time I feel pretty much like myself. But going back to normal is kinda scary, and at times I almost feel guilty for feeling better. I don't want to just move on and forget about the baby. I don't want other people to think that's the case.

But I know the Scripture, "Can a mother forget her child?" (Isaiah 49:15, paraphrased) is a rhetorical question. I won't forget. But I also don't have to dwell in continual sadness for the sake of remembering. I am free to laugh with my friends and participate in life and embrace the joy of the Lord...while accepting the pangs of grief that arise at unexpected moments...and knowing that I will never lose the love I have for my unborn little one. It's okay to move forward. God's Word instructs me to:

"We do not want you to...grieve as others do who have no hope." (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on..." (Philippians 3:13-14)

"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?" (Isaiah 43:19)

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy." (Psalm 126:5)

Sadness With Joy

First off, I want to say how grateful I am for the outpouring of love, support, and prayers from so many people, following my first blog post about our miscarriage. God has absolutely used all of your comments, messages, emails, and texts -- and for the ones here with me at camp, your daily hugs and check-ins -- to wrap His love around me and hold me up in this time of grief. Thank you for caring. Thank you for speaking kind words. Thank you for acknowledging the legitimacy of our loss. Thank you for praying. Thank you, those of you who have shared YOUR stories of miscarriage and infertility -- you remind me that this is a shared grief and I am not alone in it. Thank you all.

It has been 2 1/2 weeks since we lost our baby, and those days have been nothing short of a roller coaster. The physical after-effects and the insane hormones can drive a person crazy, if the actual grief wasn't enough. For several long days, I struggled with depression -- unable to get out of bed in the mornings, and a lack of desire or motivation to do anything except sleep and eat cereal (yes, I wanted cereal all the time, go figure). Thank God, that heaviness has lifted. Smiles and laughter are starting to come back, sometimes forced, sometimes genuine. I'm slowly easing back into "normal life."

"Normal life"...with an ever-present sadness. 

God is using this hurt for His good purpose and His glory. I can already see that, and I rejoice in it. This has opened up doors for wonderful conversations, opportunities to share both sorrows and comforts with others who are grieving, and chances to "give a reason for the hope that is in" me (1 Peter 3:15). If Brett and I had to endure this loss, then I'm incredibly thankful to see God using it for good, to know that it's not being wasted. 

photo from Etsy

At the same time, we still have to wake up every day and remember that our baby died. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I will never know my first child. I still have to see pictures of women with their pregnant bellies and newborn babies, and fight the awful feelings of jealousy, because I really am happy for them, deep down. I still wrestle with the fear of having another miscarriage. And I still wonder, every day, what our little one would have been like if he or she was able to be born.

Yes, there's a sadness that remains, but there's a peace and a quiet joy in the midst of it. God has a hope and a good future for us. I rest in believing our baby is in His arms. We are not of those who "grieve with no hope" (1 Thess 4:13). God is pulling us closer to Him and closer to each other as a couple. He has surrounded us with people who care. He is good, and we're going to be okay.