Pour out your Heart

 Did you realize that “pour out your heart” is commanded in the Bible?

“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalm 62:8

I forget this sometimes. And I fail to do it. Do you?

“Pour out your heart” makes me think of complete trust, confidentiality, and an intimate relationship.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone you could trust completely, someone with whom you could share your heart without reserves?  Wouldn’t it be great to have that relationship with our Heavenly Father?

I think we are often too formal with God. 

Maybe we think He doesn’t have time for us, or doesn’t care about our feelings.  Or maybe we feel that we have to keep our composure, act appropriately, and say heartfelt but polite prayers to Him. Too emotional comes across as desperate, right?

I think those of us who were raised in the church – as “good little church girls” – maybe struggle with this more than anyone. Somehow the practice of putting on your Sunday best, using your nicest manners, and learning all the right answers in Sunday School, for many of us, translated into the idea that we need to bring God our “best face.”

A glance through the Bible, however, will show us something pretty different from that. What we find is that the people of God were often – quite honestly – a mess!

People all throughout the Bible poured their hearts out to God.  Moses was very honest with God about his feelings and fears (Exodus 33:12-18).  Hannah wept bitterly as she prayed for a son, to the point that the priest thought she was drunk (1 Samuel 1:10).  David freely expressed all his emotions to the Lord, from dancing with joy (2 Samuel 6:14), to weeping and wailing with despair (Psalm 6:6), to begging God to demolish his enemies (Psalm 109:8-15)!  Jesus prayed in great agony before His crucifixion (Luke 22:41-44).

I personally think God likes our messy, emotional, gut-wrenching prayers a lot better than our neatly-packaged-and-presented prayers. Because those are the ones that come straight from the depths of our hearts. And it’s our hearts that He wants most.

I wonder if the reason we don’t often pour our hearts out to God is that our way of thinking about Him is wrong.  Do we really trust Him?

The remainder of the verse tells us to trust in God because He is a refuge for us.  A refuge is defined as “a place of shelter, protection, or safety.”  God can be trusted – He is the place to which we can run and hide in times of trouble.

When I’m upset or hurt, I often tend to seek comfort from music, writing in my journal, or talking to my husband or a friend.  Or, worse, I attempt to escape my feelings by throwing myself into work or getting lost in a TV show.

Am I afraid to just get on my knees and cry out to God?  Why isn’t He the first one I run to? 

You and I need to grasp that God is our loving Father – He’s a good, good Father – even in times when He feels far away.  He is our personal, loving, compassionate Father, who hears our prayers, catches our tears, smiles at our joy, and reaches out to hold and help us.

He is as close as the thoughts and feelings that race through our souls, and as real as the first prayer that escapes our lips when our hearts break. And He wants simply us. As we are.

“‘…with everlasting lovingkindness I will have compassion on you,’ says the Lord your Redeemer” (Isaiah 54:8b).

Whether you are heartbroken, seeking answers, filled with joy, or something in between,

Trust in Him…at all times.
Pour out your heart.
God is our refuge.

He loves you, and the cry of your heart is precious to Him.

Date Night Idea: Build a Fort

 Do you remember the days of building forts with all your mom’s extra sheets and blankets, and camping out in there all day?

I did this for my niece and nephew when I was babysitting them the other day. It was so simple. I pulled a couple of extra sheets out of the linen closet, threw them over the kitchen table, and voila, a tent! They were thrilled and never wanted to leave.

Ah, childhood.

Well, here’s a totally simple and very inexpensive date night idea for you and your beloved… revisit your childhood and build a blanket fort!

Date Night Idea #1: Build a Fort

What You’ll Need:
A few extra sheets and blankets
Some clothespins or other clips
Christmas lights are a bonus 🙂 

                            image source

First, decide where you want to build your fort. It could be in your bedroom, or be adventurous and take it to the living room! Use clothespins, clips, or heavy objects (like books) to secure your sheets and blankets into a tent big enough for the two of you (I think my hubby somehow used bungee cords on our tent…if your honey has a building/engineering mind like mine does, this is a fun project for him). 

 

Another option is to pull a mattress or sleeping bags into your tent and spend the night in there! This can be a really fun change from your normal routine.

Now you have your fun, unique setting, so what you do in your tent is up to you. Bring in your laptop and watch a movie while cuddling, play a card game, have snacks and your favorite drink, stay up late, talk, make out…. you get the picture 🙂

What do you think? Would this be a fun date night for you and your husband?
I think we might be due another blanket fort campout soon…. 😉

On Women's Day

 Today is International Women’s Day. If you live in the United States, you’re probably not super familiar with this custom, but it is recognized and celebrated as a national holiday in at least 36 countries around the world.

We are women… so what does this holiday mean for us?

A Bit of Background

I found a full run-down of the history of IWD on Wikipedia, but here’s the basics. International Women’s Day had its beginnings as a women’s labor union strike in 1908. The following year, the Socialist Party of America held an event to commemorate the strike. Over the next few years, the idea of an annual Women’s Day spread to the socialist and communist parties in Europe and Russia. The day was marked by demonstrations demanding women’s right to vote, protests against sex discrimination, as well as other various strikes and marches.

Today, IWD is celebrated around the world, largely by Eastern European and Asian cultures, but in a much more peaceful manner. For some, the day is similar to Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day, with flowers, chocolates, and small gifts, and even women getting the day off work. For others, it’s still a very political holiday, as they continue to fight for gender equality and women’s rights.

Photo Credit: Ashley Kilmer Photography

A Spiritual Perspective

Personally, I have mixed feelings about the whole “gender equality” issue. I’m not really into politics and I’m not part of the business world, so maybe I don’t experience prejudice or inequality like some women do. I also have the opportunity to live in the United States, where I think women have more rights and freedoms than they do in some developing countries.

However, spiritually speaking, I do believe there is a war against women, and it’s not coming from politicians or men, but from the enemy of our souls.

Take a look at these excerpts from Becoming Myself by Stasi Eldredge:

Misogyny: a hatred of women. From Greek misein “to hate” + gyne “woman.” 

Misogyny is the hatred of women and everything female. It was birthed at the fall of man and has found its home not only in men but in women, too. It manifests itself in many different ways – from jokes to pornography to sex trafficking to the self-contempt a woman feels for her own body. Why is plastic surgery now common practice? Anorexia, bulimia, and binging all find their roots in self-loathing, in misogyny. The history of our world is rampant with damage, oppression, diminishment, contempt, and fear aimed at women.

Misogyny got into the church. Many a Scripture-filled sermon has been preached throughout the centuries, advocating the suppression of women…Paul’s words about women have too often been twisted to serve the oppression of women – far from his intention.

The church has been horrifically skewed regarding women. It has taught that women are the source of evil, that sex itself is evil. Some churches continue to teach that the fall of man came because of Eve’s wickedness and that she and all women after her are temptresses. Churches have taught that women can’t teach, women can’t speak in church, women can’t cut their hair. Women need to cover their bodies, their faces, their heads.

[Misogyny] has come to us through people and governments and cultures and religions and nations. It comes through men. It comes through women. It can even come through little girls. Think back to the playground. Little girls can be catty, cruel, and competitive.

Women compete with each other for the attention of men. Many women are threatened by another woman’s beauty, intelligence, and grace. We walk into a room and unconsciously size up all the other women in the room. We quickly judge where we fit in the hierarchy of attraction (worth) without even being aware that we have done it. That behavior finds its roots in misogyny.

After explaining this landscape of our culture and surroundings, Stasi explains our response:

But we do not overcome this misogyny by trying to be men. Let us begin by celebrating the role we play; let us champion these callings and celebrate them every way we can.

The kingdom of God will not advance as it needs to advance without women rising up and playing their role… Men will not become the men they are meant to be without godly women pouring into their lives. Women will not become who they are meant to be without the strength, encouragement, and wisdom of other women nurturing their lives.

There is a reason the Enemy fears women and has poured his hatred onto our very existence. Let him be afraid, then. We are more than conquerors through Christ who strengthens us, and we will not be overcome.

 

Photo credit: Ashley Kilmer Photography

Interesting concept to ponder on, yes?

I love how she points out that the solution is not to try to become like men, because I feel like that’s the goal in culture today: “Give us everything men have! Treat us exactly like men are treated!” In reality, that shouldn’t be what we’re asking for, because we’re not men. We are women. And God created men and women differently, with not only different bodies, but different gifts, strengths, weaknesses, callings, and purposes. Men and women are equally valuable in the world and in the Kingdom of God, but in very different ways. We have the ability to influence and to share Jesus with the world in ways that men do not have, because we are females.

So rather than demand to be treated like men, I wish more women would recognize the incredible value of their womanhood, their femininity. It is a beautiful, powerful gift, to be a woman. God gave us this gift for a purpose. You and I can start our own stand against misogyny today by accepting and affirming that truth – we are women by God’s design, for His purpose, and we are beautiful in His sight. Celebrate being a lady today… God’s lady.

What is PCOS?

I’ve been staring at this screen for days, trying to figure out how to begin, how to say what I want to say, and whether I should say it at all.

Despite my hesitancy, I’ve decided it’s time to be open and honest, and talk about my recent diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It’s a scary thing to talk about, because it’s extremely personal and somewhat embarrassing. But the truth is, maybe talking about it will encourage someone, help another woman who has PCOS, or simply foster openness and honesty…. and if so, then that’s what I want to do.

It’s the same reason we chose to be honest about our miscarriage. We want God to be able to use our trials to help others, so we share. Even when sharing is hard.

So, here’s the story.

(Warning: there’s going to be some TMI [too much information!] in this post. If you’re bothered by that, feel free to move on and explore one of my other posts! 🙂 ) 

What is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome?

PCOS is defined as a “hormonal disorder.” It’s actually fairly widespread, as it’s estimated 1 in 10 women have it. There is a standard list of the “common” symptoms, but in reality, it’s really not “one size fits all.” Each woman with PCOS has a unique experience and set of symptoms. For example, one of the classic symptoms is being overweight. I don’t have that symptom, but I do have frequent pain around my ovaries, which a lot of patients don’t experience.

Here is a graphic I made to show some of the most common symptoms of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Again, not every woman with PCOS deals with every one of these… it’s simply an average.

What does this mean for me?

On a daily basis, it means I deal with pelvic pain and a few other irritating symptoms, lots of recent doctor visits, and experimenting to try to figure out what combination of diet, supplements, and medications will help me feel the best and have a more regular cycle.

On a long-term basis, as we look forward to starting a family, it means we might struggle with infertility, and that our risk of miscarriage is closer to 50%, rather than the 15-20% rate most healthy women face.

image source

PCOS also increases my risk of diabetes, depression, and several types of cancer. This disorder is manageable, but not curable at this time.

I won’t keep going into detail here about what this entails physically, but please feel free to ask me about it if there is something you want to know. This website also has good, easy-to-read information on this topic.

Where’s the good in this?

As followers of Jesus, Brett and I want to find hope by looking for the good – what God is doing – in every situation. I have to admit, having PCOS is a difficult situation to see good in. It seems pointless. And quite honestly, it can be overwhelming, frustrating, and scary.

But day by day, moment by moment, I’m going to choose to look for God’s blessings. To look for what He is teaching me and how He is shaping me to His image. I’m going to look for God-given opportunities that may arise as a result of having this health issue, and take every opportunity I have to give Him glory. I’m going to thank Him every day for His innumerable gifts. And I’m going to keep sharing my heart and my story, praying that my openness will extend courage and hope to someone else.

What can you do?

1. Don’t act weird around me. I’m not an invalid, depressed, or contagious. I’ll tell you if I’m having a bad day and need my space or rest. Otherwise, let’s just forget it and be normal, okay?
2. Ask questions if you want to know something. Really, I don’t mind. Awareness is a good thing.
3. Know that we’ve got the experts working on it, and we don’t really need advice about how your sister’s best friend’s cousin fixed her hormone problems and magically got pregnant 🙂
4. Understand that sometimes I just don’t feel good. There may be days when I seem sad or distant. I might just be in physical pain. Know that it’s nothing against you or whatever activity you’ve invited me to – it’s just my body being uncooperative. Thanks for understanding.

Why share this?

Again, I share this with you for the sake of honesty and transparency. This is a big part of our life and journey right now, and we want to be real about it. I also hope God will give me opportunities to help and encourage other women who may be dealing with similar problems. Even though it’s scary to click publish on this… “I will be brave with my story so others can be brave with theirs.” 

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(And if you read all the way to here, thanks for sticking with me!)

Happy Discontentment Day?

I really dislike Valentine’s Day.

Let’s be honest, most singles don’t enjoy the holiday, and neither did I as a single woman, but believe it or not, I still dislike it now that I’m married.

My theory? Valentine’s Day is breeding ground for discontentment, whether we have a sweetheart or not.

For a single woman, this day is usually a reminder of how alone she is. Everyone else has someone, and she has no one – or at least that’s how it feels. She might deny it and say she doesn’t care, but somewhere in her secret heart, she’s wishing someone would send her flowers, bring her chocolates, take her on a date, and kiss her tonight. How nice it would feel to be treasured and treated like a princess for once! But here she is, spending yet another Valentine’s Day just wishing, telling herself, maybe next year.

For a woman who is married (or dating or engaged), this holiday often brings high expectations, and with that, disappointment. Her husband forgets to buy flowers. Her fiance isn’t as spontaneous and romantic as she wants him to be. She doesn’t get a mushy Facebook post like all the other girls do. And somehow, Valentine’s Day brings frustration and jealousy over unmet, unrealistic expectations set by media and movies.

Girls, it’s easy for all of us to slip into one of these mindsets today, whatever our relationship status may be. It’s just the nature of this holiday – and the nature of our souls.

Can I just encourage you today?

Single friend, I understand where you are. At 29 years old, this is only my 2nd Valentine’s Day having a man to share it with. I get how it feels to see February after February come and go, and wonder if you’ll ever have someone. Let me share a few things I’ve learned on the journey:

• Enjoy your friends. As a single woman, God blessed me with a few wonderful girlfriends who were in the same boat as me. We made it a point to get together on Valentine’s Day each year, whether it was for dinner, coffee, or a sleepover, and we also made sure to remind each other that God had a plan and had not forgotten us.

• Write a love letter. Have you ever written a letter to your future husband? It can be an awkward task, writing to someone you don’t know, but for me, it was an exercise of faith. For about 10 or 12 years, I periodically wrote “Dear Future Husband” letters, saved them all in a box, and finally, last year, was able to give that box to my hubby. If you’re struggling with the wait, writing a love letter to the man you’ll someday marry could be encouraging.

• Celebrate love. Trust me, I know you’re longing for a man to love you, but I encourage you to look around and see the love God has filled your life with. Your family. Your friends. People you work with or minister to. And most of all… the incredible, life-changing, passionate love of Jesus for you. What a great day this is to celebrate that!

Married ladies, let’s remember how much our hubbies love us. Really, are we so dependent on this commercialized, over-hyped, emotional holiday to prove that our spouses love us? The expectations are so high on Valentine’s Day, and if it’s causing discontentment or bitterness in us, it’s not healthy for our hearts or our marriages.

Let me urge you to remember the little ways your husband shows his love for you every day. Maybe he’s not the ultra-romantic type on Valentine’s Day, but what are the unique-to-him ways that he has expressed his affection lately? This week, I reminded myself, my hubby has danced with me in the kitchen, brought me flowers for no reason, thanked me for cooking dinner, and patiently taught me how to play Frisbee Golf 😉 I know that he loves me. He doesn’t need to prove that in some showy way, just because it’s February 14th. Your husband loves you, too, so don’t put on him the pressure of unrealistic Valentine’s Day expectations.

The culture and media can take something so pure and good – love, the essence of who God is – and taint it with over commercialization and ridiculous expectations. Ladies, let’s not give in to this. Let’s not give way to discontentment. Wherever you are and whatever your relationship status today, you are loved. Let’s make the most of today by rejoicing in love and reaching out in love.

The Music of the Messy Seasons

 

Isn’t it interesting how music can take us instantly back to certain times and places in our lives, and rekindle the emotion as real as if it was yesterday?

It seems like some of the seasons of my life have had their own theme songs — the songs I played on repeat, sang my heart out to, worshiped God with, and shed tears over. The songs that perfectly summed up my feelings. The songs that helped me get through it, whatever “it” was in that season.

And when I hear those songs now, I’m transported back, to places that were so real and so wrenching then, but just memories now. Distanced from it by time, I can smile about it now. Shake my head at what a mess that girl was. And marvel at what God did in and through the mess.

Tonight I put my music on shuffle, and Britt Nicole’s song “Set the World on Fire” came on. I had to smile, and was immediately kind of nostalgic, because I remembered that season, the season when I played this song on repeat.

Oh, that season.

I was living alone, and at times it was really lonely, but at times I really loved it. Those months were formative. I had lots of time alone with God. I had lots of growing to do. And I grew, that season, into a new person.

I was a wreck, in some ways. Confused about where my life was going, what I was supposed to do next, and how to figure it out. I was completely in love with the completely wrong guy, and I cried tears over him probably at least twice a week.

I longed to do something that mattered, to make a difference in the world. Yet I had no idea what that meant or where God would lead me. I banged my head against closed doors. God was teaching me to wait.

That season seems so long ago now. Yet when that song played tonight, it felt like just yesterday. It’s a good reminder of how far God has brought me, so I thank Him for bringing me through that season and making me stronger because of it. It’s also a humbling reminder of what a mess I’m still prone to be, and how dependent I am on God’s grace and leading daily.

Because – though the circumstances are different – I still do the same things. Don’t we all? We bang against doors that God has already shut. We’re confused, wandering, questioning. We’re stubborn and impatient.

But how gracious our Lord is! He’s so patient with us. In His wise way, He’ll lead us to the right thing at the right time, and cause us to look back on the messy seasons with a grateful – though perhaps pained – smile.

I just love Him; don’t you?

A Waiting Heart at Christmas

 

Dear waiting heart,

It’s hard to be in a waiting season during Christmas, isn’t it? I know.

You enjoy the festivities of the season and the beauty of the day, but there’s a shadow, hovering over your heart. There’s a hole, like something is missing.

While you rejoice in the wonder of Christmas, at the same time there’s a part of you that wants to hide in a corner and sob.

And you fear… what if next year is no different?

I understand.

I’ve been there, as a single woman until 28 years old. Every Christmas since I was about 16, I would ask God, please let me have my husband here with me by next Christmas. Twelve years I waited. Twelve years I wondered what was wrong with me, why no man was there to share the Christmas joy with me, why God wasn’t answering my pleas. I watched my younger sister spend 4 Christmases with her love, before the Lord finally gave me mine. Though it was certainly worth it, the wait was painful.

I’m there again this year, with a hole in my heart, the size of a baby I should be 7 months pregnant with. But my baby is gone, and my arms and heart ache to be a mommy. I don’t know when that will happen, but I’m waiting for it, and while I celebrate Christ’s birth with people I love, that longing hovers, a little heavier on Christmas.

So how do you deal with it — with the pain of waiting during this joyous holiday?

Well, if you’re like me, you stay busy with baking cookies, washing dishes, watching Christmas movies, and trying not to think about what’s missing. But maybe that’s not the best advice.

Maybe you and I both, wherever we are, should steal away for a few minutes alone, and talk to God about our hearts. About what’s missing. About the wait. About how stinkin’ hard it is.

He gets it. And I promise… He cares.

Remember when Jesus wept over Jerusalem? It was in the middle of a great, victorious celebration — the Triumphal Entry. It was nearly the Passover, an important Jewish holiday, and to top it off, Jesus had just been praised and recognized as the King who comes in the Name of the Lord. All around Him, people were shouting and rejoicing. It was a wonderful day.

And yet…

Jesus steps aside from all of that, and, with tears streaming down His face, cries out for the burden of His heart — His beloved Holy City that will soon reject Him.

So, dear waiting heart, today in the midst of the celebration, if you need to take a moment to yourself to cry out to God for the burden of your heart…. do it. Let a few tears fall. Or a lot of tears, if that’s what it takes. Just know that God catches every one of them. Not one goes unnoticed by Him. He sees your waiting, and no matter how long it takes, He is working. Don’t lose hope. He came this Christmas Day for your hope.

Merry Christmas, waiting heart.

A Prayer for a Busy Day

 Dear God,

Today is so busy. I have a long list, a lot of distractions, and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

Yet as I snatch a few minutes to pray and commit the day to You, I don’t want it to be just a box that I check off. In the midst of all the busyness, I want to truly commit myself, my life, my day, and my to-do list to Your capable hands.

May my heart be in the right place today.

May I not be frantic, but simply trust You that everything will be taken care of.

May I have joy and peace.

May my spirit be in continual worship of and communion with You.

May I view the day through your lens of eternity.

May You be glorified through the way I live this day.

Amen.

When Church Hurts Because I Don't Have Babies

You – mama with a baby in your heart, but not in your arms – I’m guessing you know what it’s like.

You want to be part of a church. You love the corporate worship; you long for sweet fellowship with other believers. You know it’s important to be a participant in the Body of Christ.

But at church there are so many families – moms and dads with tiny babies. Little ones running around, playing and laughing. Tired parents trying to socialize while also keeping an eye on their rowdy kiddos. And you’re reminded of what you want and don’t have.

And the women – those girls you love, who are your friends, whom you worship God alongside – it sometimes seems like all they talk about is pregnancy and babies. Of course, that’s their life, so why shouldn’t they talk about it?

You don’t blame or begrudge any of them. But it hurts. It hurts so much that you don’t even want to go to church.

I understand. I’m there.

The church my husband and I attend is full of young families; there are almost more kids than adults in the congregation. I love that we’ve found a church full of people in our age group and demographic, people we can hang out with and have over for dinner. Yet, every Sunday, I find myself having to focus really hard on not feeling sad, bitter, or jealous, as I’m literally surrounded by mamas with their little ones.

It’s not that Jesus hasn’t worked healing in my heart after our miscarriage. He certainly has. It’s not that He isn’t walking with me through the struggle to grow our family. He certainly is. Our loss is not

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something I dwell on every day throughout the week. But there’s something about being at church and women’s gatherings, surrounded by the blessings and fulfillment of other women, that just really hurts sometimes.

Every week at our church, someone prays aloud a blessing over all the children before they scurry off to their Sunday school classes. A few weeks ago, the person praying said, “God, thank You that You have opened the wombs of this church!” 

Umm… Ouch.

That prayer was like a slap in the face that still stings now, weeks later. Yes, God has blessed many of the women in that church with the babies they were hoping and praying for; yes, that’s so good of Him. But there are also those of us in the room (or maybe I’m the only one?) who ache to hold the baby they lost…

whose hearts wonder, in the quiet moments, what that child would have been like…

who ask themselves the scary question, will I ever be able to have a baby?

Yes, church hurts sometimes – whether because of the insensitivity of those who don’t understand, or because it’s hard to see others’ blessings without the discontent stirring of your own longings.

The truth I am telling myself, and telling you in the process, is that being part of the Body of Christ is worth it. You and I need the encouragement and accountability that comes with worshiping with the Body. We need to hear the Word, and I think, sometimes, we even need these uncomfortable situations that will help us continue to embrace His comfort and healing.

And, if we’re honest, we know it’s God’s design that we allow other believers to comfort us and help bear our burdens. But that takes being vulnerable.

That takes sharing with other women what we have lost, and letting them know that it’s tough. And then allowing them to encourage us, hug us, ask us how we’re doing. That might be awkward, but it’s healthy, and it can be healing.

I don’t know about you, but I want to pursue a healthier mindset and healthy friendships… because I want to be a healthy functioning part of the Body of Christ. The loss of a baby hurts. Infertility hurts. But let’s not allow grief and bitterness to ruin our opportunity to love and be loved by the church.