When You Can't Make Eye Contact With God

One of my Spiritual Goals for March was, “Engage with Him throughout the day.” 

Why is this one of my focus areas? What does it mean?

A couple of years ago, I read the book Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty, and besides being perfect for the season of loss I was in at that time, it also really impacted how I look at my relationship with God. The way Sara writes about her time in the Word, prayer, and just daily interactions with the Lord is so sweet, simple, and sincere – it made me long to be nearer to Him myself.

On page 94 in the book, Sara writes,

“Adoration is exploration. The Father loves to be explored.” 

Doesn’t that ring true? Don’t even we, as women, feel extra-loved when someone we love and trust explores the depths of us, seeking to really know our story and our heart?

Allow yourself to even think physically for a moment…. Don’t we, as wives, love to be physically explored by our adoring husband?

Adoration is exploration. And even God Himself loves when we explore Him, seeking to know Him more deeply.

More recently – just a few months ago – I recognized a tendency in myself to ignore God during my everyday life. And not just neglecting to seek and explore Him, but actually almost avoiding Him.

I read something in a book or blog (I can’t remember where) that talked about the Father being here with me in my everyday life… seeing me, looking at me, loving me. And it struck me – I’d been refusing to look back at Him. Averting my eyes. Subconsciously thinking that, if I don’t meet His gaze, I can avoid hard conversations and painful realities.

At that moment, He whispered that He just wants me to look back at Him. He’s here, in my everyday, getting on my level, wanting to gaze into my eyes and tell me what’s on His heart. And I was going about my busyness and distraction, avoiding eye contact. 

It’s like seeing someone you know at the grocery store but ducking into the next aisle, not acknowledging them because you really don’t want to get into a conversation. (tell me I’m not the only one who does that?!) 

Except it’s not just an acquaintance at the store. It’s the Lord of my heart, the One who died for me, the One who loves me more than anyone else. So why do I ignore Him, walk on as if He’s not even there?

Maybe because I know He’ll go straight for the heart, not leaving the hurts untouched. Maybe because it’s less scary to hold Him at arms’ length, than to let Him in and let Him explore my depths. 

At the beginning of this year, I committed to not be satisfied with just a daily quiet time to check off a box, but to make the effort to explore a new season of my relationship with the Lord… finding Him in new ways and new places, exploring Him, learning His depths and letting Him into mine.

And part of that is to simply acknowledge Him in my everyday. To feel when He’s looking at me, when He’s near, and to take a deep breath and gaze back at Him. To acknowledge that He’s there. To say hello. To worship. To let Him look into my heart, and to talk to Him about what’s there. 

I know He’ll be kind and gentle. He’s not rough with our hearts. He adores us. He’s not looking to punch the buttons that cause us pain. Where there is pain, He wants to bring comfort, understanding, peace, and healing.

But we have to be brave enough to let Him in. Because our Father loves to be explored by His adoring children…. and He also, who adores us, longs to explore our hearts.

The Shack: My Honest Thoughts

 

On Saturday – despite the controversy, mixed reviews, and even outright boycotts – my husband and I went to see The Shack. When I stated on Facebook later that night that we had watched it and I was processing “all the feelings,” I immediately started getting questions from people about what I thought about the movie and whether I would recommend it. With all the experts and columnists spouting all their controversial opinions, it seems like real people who genuinely love Jesus are looking for realistic answers about whether they should see the movie or not.

So with that in mind, I simply want to share my viewpoint.

 

I read the book The Shack by William Young several years ago, soon after it came out in 2007. I’ll admit, it’s been a while since I read it, so I don’t recall all the doctrinal details… but I do remember this: This book helped me grasp the personal and beautiful love of God, something I struggled for years to truly understand. I have always appreciated it for that reason.

Which brings us to the movie. Simply put, my views are both positive and negative, and I just want to share them honestly with you. So here are eight thoughts I have about the movie.

1. God’s love and mercy are shown well. The love of God is definitely the overarching theme of the story. We see how He reaches out to us, in the midst of our own suffering and confusion, to show us Himself and bring us back into fellowship with Him. We see His friendship in the character of Jesus, His tender comfort in the character of Sarayu, His constant steadfastness and love in the character of Papa. These show us glimpses of who our Lord is.

2. The Invisible God, the Trinity, is represented in human flesh. Some critics of the movie have shouted out against this, saying it violates the second commandment {no graven images} and sets these humans up as God in our minds. I personally don’t agree… but I do think discernment is required as we watch this. We all know that these people are not God, nor are they attempting to be. They are simply serving as representations, illustrations, of His character. It’s a tricky job, but they do it well.
I will say that I did have a problem with the actress Octavia Spencer stating the line, “I am that I am.” That’s a statement reserved for God and God alone, and it should have been excluded from the movie.
Aside from that line, I appreciated each actor’s individual representation of a small taste of who our Savior is.

3. Love and justice seem to be mutually exclusive. There is a point in the movie when “Papa” denies that the wrath of God is a real thing. When Mack asks, “What about your wrath?” she responds with, “Wrath? I don’t need to punish people. Sin is enough punishment on its own.” I think this is a flaw in the movie’s theology. It seems to be saying that because God is love, He doesn’t condemn sin… which just isn’t true. This is part of the wonderful mystery that is our God – His love and justice go hand in hand! He has to punish sin because He is holy, yet His love moved Him to make a way for us to be redeemed from that punishment. I think The Shack glosses over this point by minimizing the judgement of God on sin.

4. God the Father is portrayed as a woman. I have mixed feelings about this aspect of the movie. The reason is clearly stated: “Papa” appears as a woman because of Mack’s history, because he would be unable to handle a father-figure.
On the one hand, I think it’s brilliant to portray God this way. It meets people like Mack, who have been hurt by their fathers or by other men, who struggle to relate to a “male” God. It also helps break the mold in our religious minds that God is an old, bearded, white man. How small we think of Him! There is so much more to our God’s character that we comprehend. He absolutely has feminine, motherly qualities – beauty, gentleness, nurturing.
But on the other hand, I think there’s an element missing by only seeing “Papa” as a mother, and not as a father. {Even though a father-figure appears in the movie, he’s not a well-developed character and we only see him for a few short scenes.} By only seeing God portrayed in the feminine, we miss so much of His character as a father, a strong leader, a warrior, a protector. I wish more of that had been explored.

5. Suffering is explained. I appreciate that Mack’s suffering in the story is of the very worst kind we can imagine, because it excludes no one. No one can say, “Well, my sorrow is worse than his, so this doesn’t apply to me.” By giving Mack a Great Sadness that’s only a worst nightmare to most of us, the author includes all of us. No hurt is too big for God.
And Mack asks the question you and I ask – “Why?”  Why do awful things happen to good, innocent people? Why didn’t God stop the tragedy from happening? Why does it have to be this way? The Shack tells us the truth: that God does not cause evil, painful things to happen… but sometimes He allows them, because He sees the big picture, the ripple effect, the good that will come out of the pain.

6. But at the same time, the explanation is lacking. Although the answer to the “why do we suffer” question gradually comes out, it takes them the whole movie to explain it, and the question gets glossed over several times in the meantime. At one point, it even seems like we’re told there is evil in the world and God can’t do anything about it. The movie definitely could have handled this deeply important question with more care.

7. The theme of forgiveness is well-done. Besides God’s love and the different aspects of His character, I thought forgiveness was one of the themes the movie best portrayed. Mack is asked to forgive people who have caused him horrible and irreversible pain…. and even to forgive God and himself, as well. I appreciated how “Papa” tells Mack that the anger will not instantly go away, nor will he necessarily feel like forgiving, but it is a choice, and a choice that might have to be made daily.

8. There is hope for healing. After terrible tragedy, Great Sadness, and wrestling with God, Mack finally finds healing. He begins to see the good and the purpose of God rippling from his pain. I loved the scene near the end when the beautiful tree grew up out of the grave, because it represents so much – our greatest sorrows, when we surrender them to the Lord and allow Him to bring healing, can grow into something beautiful and fruitful.

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The Shack definitely gave me a lot to process and think about, just as the book did several years ago. Someone asked me if I would recommend it, and my answer is yes. Yes, I recommend seeing it, but watch it with discernment, with your spiritual eyes open. It’s Hollywood, so we can’t expect it to be 100% Biblical or Christlike. So watch with wise discernment, and see how God might speak to you through it.

I Refuse to Believe He will be Conquered

 Last week, I highlighted the following quote in Oswald Chambers’ devotional My Utmost for His Highest:

“Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling.
Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered.”

What does this mean to you? I know what it means to me.

It means I keep holding on… to hope, to goals, to my dreams, to prayers I’m praying, yes… but more than anything, holding on to my Hero, my Savior, the only One who will never, ever be conquered. 

Because as Romans 8 tells us, we are more than conquerors through Jesus, and no matter what the highs and lows or the present or the future brings, we win because none of it can separate us from Him.

Whatever your current battle, persevere, my friend. Because your God is the unconquerable Hero.

 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  {Romans 8:37-39}

The One Year

 Tomorrow is February 18th.

The due date.

Since the due date that has already come and gone once since our miscarriage, this time it’s not just her due date, but her first birthday.

One year. Our baby would have been one year old this weekend. It’s kinda surreal.

Sometimes I try to imagine what life would be like right now, with a little one toddling around our home. It’s a happy picture. I know our home would be full of more laughs, more tears, more noise, more slobber…and so much joy.

And I wonder, what would it be like? What would be different about our everyday life, our schedule, our marriage, our friendships? Who would we be with a one-year-old in the mix?

Who would we be without having experienced loss?

photo credit: Barber Photography

We’re changed, because loss changes people. Our past 20 months would have been worlds different if our baby had lived, and because of that, we ourselves would be different.

Because in addition to being one year since our first baby’s due date, it has also been {just over} one year since we began the journey to have a second baby. Having PCOS makes this much more of a challenge for us.

And while the loss and this past year have been – at various times – difficult, heartbreaking, infuriating, and lonely, I believe with all my heart that our God is using these times to shape Brett and me into His image, into people with childlike faith who more closely resemble Himself.

When I grieve, when I shatter, when I rejoice… if I draw near to Him, He is always faithful to satisfy.

So, it’s been one challenging, full, blessed year, and even on the hardest days, I wouldn’t trade journeys for the blessings and opportunities the Lord has given us and the ways He is growing us. To Him be the glory, in our joys and sorrows.

 

If you’ve lost a little one, please feel free to use this graphic in your own social media. {with credit back to this post, if you don’t mind!} I love increasing awareness for the 1 in 4 women who suffer miscarriage. Sharing our babies’ birthdays is a good way to do that. 

To My Single Friends on Valentine's Day

 My dear friends who are single today,

Hey. Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.

First, I want to start by saying this is not a generic letter. I’m not writing to some hypothetical single girl who I imagine might read this post. No, I’m thinking of you – my sweet single friends. I could call you by name, and in fact, I already did this morning. I spoke your names to the Father, one by one, and asked Him to help you feel loved, cared for, and full of hope today.

I’m so thankful to have each of you in my life! Whether we’re close friends today, or we haven’t kept in touch lately, somewhere along the way you’ve been an important part of my life. With some of you, I walked the single journey side-by-side for a while, with all its rejoicing and bemoaning, wondering and dreaming, laughing and weeping. Some of us had a secret Never Been Kissed Club (you know who you are!). I treasure each one of you.

 

“Put a ring on it!” Our single girls Valentine’s Day party a few years ago.

 

I know Valentine’s Day can be hard when you don’t have someone to share it with. Really, it’s just a silly, commercialized holiday, but at the same time, it’s a day when you’re bombarded with hearts, flowers, cheesy Facebook posts, engagement announcements… reminders that “everyone else” has what you don’t have.

And sometimes the single life seems unbearable and never-ending. I get it. I didn’t start dating my husband until I was twenty-seven. The single journey, despite the unique blessings and joys it carries, is hard. 

And days like Valentine’s Day can amplify that.

So today, I really don’t have any magic words for you, because I know you’ve heard it all. You’ve heard all the well-meaning advice, and I know you don’t want to hear

“God has a plan…”
“He’s preparing the right man for you…”
“Enjoy your freedom…”
“Singleness is a gift…”
“It will happen when you stop looking…” 

Really, there are two things I want to tell you today. The first is this: Please don’t ever believe that you are somehow less-than or not-arrived because you are unmarried. I know married people can often make single people feel that way, but it’s just not true.

You have worth as a person. You have wisdom and experience that is unique to being a single woman in the world today. You have purpose. Your friendship is a blessing. You have valuable gifts to offer. Your journey matters.

So never think that because you aren’t married, you haven’t “arrived” in life yet. Singleness is a season and marriage is a season, and both are priceless.

And second, I want you to know what I’m praying for you today:

• That you feel inexpressibly loved. Because you are! Loved by a Heavenly Father and a Savior who died for you, literally moved heaven and earth and gave everything to be with you. Loved by your family. Loved by your friends. Loved by countless people whose lives you bless, and you don’t even know it.
• That you believe God’s plans for you are so, so good.  Even if today, it feels like He’s forgotten you. Even if today, you feel lonely, stuck, and hopeless. Dare to believe, dear friend, that He is working together all the details and creating a story so beautiful, you’ll be utterly amazed as you see it unfold.
• That you are filled up. Not lacking. Not feeling like something is missing. That you are full of joy, full of hope, full of purpose, full of love.

Sweet friends, you’re on my heart and in my prayers today. I love and appreciate each one of you so much! Be encouraged and go spread some love today, wherever you are.

What Matters in the Marching Mess

 I have kept my mouth shut this past weekend regarding Trump’s inauguration and the Women’s March… largely because I’ve been processing, figuring out what I feel about it, organizing my response in my mind before blurting it out my mouth. I’ve kept quiet because I didn’t want to simply jump on the nearest bandwagon, or say something I would later regret, or needlessly offend someone by speaking out without a fully developed viewpoint.

So I’ve spent the weekend taking it all in and processing it – reading news articles, reading blogs, reading Facebook posts from people on various sides. Discussing the issues with my husband. Writing this post a few sentences at a time. Trying to discern the truth amidst all the untruth.

And mostly, I’ve been sad. Appalled at the hate and anger screaming in the streets and screaming all over the internet. Wondering at how people can “march for love and tolerance” and yet verbally rip apart anyone who disagrees with them. Incredulous at some of the things being demanded. Grieving for the utter selfishness and lostness portrayed in our beloved nation this weekend.

To me, all of that is far more tragic than a crude-mouthed President or any rights that anyone might be lacking.

Selah’s song “Unredeemed” has been playing in my head today, and especially the line: “We live in the shadow of the Fall.” That truth is so painfully evident right now, isn’t it?

I realize there were many people attending and supporting these marches across the country who are simply and sincerely concerned: about immigrants who could be forced from their homes; about their homosexual friends; about the health plights of women in poverty. Their care and concern for others is commendable. 

But in reality, those few marching for unselfish reasons were loudly and hopelessly overpowered by the ones shouting profanity, hate, entitlement, and the desire to kill their unwanted babies.

Matt Walsh phrased it perfectly in his article on TheBlaze:

It’s fair to say that once a political demonstration cites baby murder as a fundamental value, nothing else it stands for really matters. I cannot take a march seriously after it has professed an affinity for child killing, just as I cannot willingly consume your homemade chocolate cake after you inform me that fecal matter is one of its ingredients. (see full article here)

I also know that there are people who truly feel threatened by and afraid of what the new President stands for. They fear their safety, privileges, freedoms, and lifestyle being taken away, and for some, those worries may turn out to be legitimate. I do not discount these precious individuals and their fears. They are unique, beautiful humans, created in the image of God, loved by Him… and their stories matter.

But – I can promise you that our God cares far more about their souls than about their LGBTQ rights.

He is much more concerned about their eternal salvation than which side of the border they live on.

He would much rather see them embrace forgiveness and mercy than demand rights and retribution.

He longs to heal the hurts of their hearts, no matter what pain may have brought them to this point.

Shouldn’t that be our desire, too? If we are followers of Jesus, shouldn’t our burden for hurting people be for their life to be healed and transformed by God…. not for their right to equal wages or free birth control?

Let’s focus on what truly matters in this mess, friends.

Yes, the new President has made some terrible remarks about women and minorities. The words are sickening and I don’t support that. Yes, some people will lose their access to affordable health benefits. It will feel painful and unfair. Yes, this is a world in which women must live in constant awareness of our surroundings and potential dangers. I don’t think there has ever been a time in history when this wasn’t true. And yes, our country is ripping itself apart at the seams, as people choose to be destructive instead of to respectfully disagree, and scream and fight for their own wants in the name of “love.”

But let’s ask ourselves what matters, ultimately.

• In the end, it’s all in God’s hands: the fate of the nation, the heart of the President, your life, my life, their lives.
• In the end, my calling as a Christ-follower is to trust God with everything and pattern my life after Jesus – which absolutely includes loving people, but not the style of “love” demonstrated this weekend.
• In the end, all of this chaos will fade away when we stand before God our Judge, and all that counts is whether we know Him and whether we told others about Him.

So I’m not judging Christians who participated in the march – and I know several personally who did. I’m simply saying, sisters, let’s think about what we’re standing for (and what it looks like we’re standing for), and let’s focus on what truly, eternally counts.

 

You are welcome to politely agree or disagree. Please refrain from rude comments, but I would love to hear your opinion!

Psalm 13: How Long, O Lord?

 

This morning I was in the shower, praying about what topic I should write on today. But I was coming up blank – zero inspiring ideas. Finishing my shower, I pulled on some comfy fleece leggings and my favorite tshirt, snuggled cross-legged into my glider chair (yes, I’m such a grandma), and opened my Bible to where I’m reading in Psalms.

Psalm 13:

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? 

It starts off a bit depressing, doesn’t it? But I could identify with the writers’ feelings.

I certainly wasn’t drowning in depression this morning, or feeling overtaken by the enemy. It was just a normal morning. But often, in the midst of normal, there can be a sorrow hidden deep in the heart, and these silent questions underlying our days – how long, O Lord? 

You know what I mean, don’t you?

It’s the single woman, longing for the husband she’s been praying for.
It’s the woman who feels lonely without true friendship in her life.
It’s the one stuck in a complicated situation and wishing for simplicity.
It’s the wife who feels isolated from her husband.
It’s the woman who can’t have children.
It’s the mom whose children are far from the Lord.
It’s the one dealing with a long-term illness.

There are so many possibilities, so many circumstances that could be the source of our sorrow and our questions. You have yours, and I have mine. Sure, we aren’t continuously depressed, but if we get quiet and look deep, the “how longs” are there.

But I love how Psalm 13 ends:

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
My heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

(emphasis mine)

I have trusted in God’s faithfulness, and I will continue to trust.

I will rejoice. No matter what. I will rejoice when He comes through for me and answers my prayers, but I will rejoice until then, too.

He has been good to me. Already – even with unmet desires and unanswered questions – He has already blessed me so much.

So I keep singing, praising, and trusting… because no matter where I am, He is good!

How to Help a Friend Going through Miscarriage

A few months after we lost our first baby, a friend sent me a private message on Facebook, asking my advice about how to encourage another friend of hers who had just suffered a miscarriage. “I’m sorry if this isn’t an appropriate question,” she wrote, “[but] I’m curious as to what were the most encouraging things other people did for you.” 

It was absolutely an appropriate question, and I was so glad she asked! One of the biggest reasons Brett and I chose to be open about our loss was so we could help and encourage others going through the same thing.

Miscarriage is far more common than you might think – the estimate is that 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss. So the chances are high that, at some point in your life, someone you know will go through this tragedy. My hope in this blog post is to give you a few simple, sound suggestions for how to help when a friend tells you, “I lost my baby.” 

1. Recognize That She’s In Pain, And Realize It’s A Big Deal That She Shared It With You.

Many, many, many women suffer miscarriage very early in their pregnancy, often around 6 or 8 weeks pregnant. If they had not announced their good news yet, often they will keep the miscarriage quiet, too, grieving in silence. There is a sort of stigma around early pregnancy and miscarriage, in which our culture tells us we should “keep it a secret.“ That’s a topic for another day, but suffice it to say, if your friend opens up and shares her loss,

image source

realize that is a big deal, and it took a lot of courage.

 

You also need to realize that your friend is in pain. If you haven’t experienced this type of loss yourself, you may not understand grieving for a baby you never knew, a baby who was no bigger than a pumpkin seed. But to your friend, it was her baby. She is a mother. She loved that little pumpkin seed from the moment she saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. And she is absolutely going through every stage of the grieving process.

2. Don’t Avoid Her. Even If It’s Awkward.

In the days and weeks following my miscarriage, there were quite a few people who felt uncomfortable around me and didn’t know what to do or say, so they simply avoided me. Maybe they assumed I wouldn’t want to be bothered. I don’t know, but the avoidance hurt. It felt like they didn’t care, or like maybe they thought I was contagious or something.

So the people who braved the awkwardness were so incredibly encouraging. I’m sure it was uncomfortable for them, but pushing beyond their own comfort zone, they came to ask me how I was doing, to hug me, to cry with me, to keep inviting me to things even though I kept saying no.

I know it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. But please, don’t avoid her. She needs you right now.

3. Know What NOT To Say.

image source

Some of the things people frequently say to a grieving mom really are just not helpful at all. There are several articles around the internet that highlight what not to say, so I won’t take the time to repeat. This post and this one are two good ones to check out. Trust me – I heard many of these platitudes and more, and they’re much better left unsaid!

4. Put Yourself In Her Shoes, And Reach Out To Encourage.

If you were in her place, what would you need or want from your friends? What would be comforting and encouraging?

People reached out to me in different ways. Some were unafraid to take the risk of asking me how I was feeling. Others simply offered silent hugs or hand squeezes. A few friends crafted a beautiful handmade card and left it at my front door. One friend came over and brought me a stack of chick flicks, knowing I wouldn’t feel like getting out much for a few days. Several people sent cards in the mail. Like I mentioned above, some would invite me to join game nights or hikes or trips to town, and even though I said no for a while, it was really nice to know I wasn’t forgotten.

5. Keep Remembering And Keep Talking.

Knowing that people care is huge after a miscarriage, and even more so in the weeks and months following. I can tell you from personal experience that, after a while, the bereaved mom will feel like she is the only person in the world who still thinks about her baby. She will feel like everyone else has moved on and forgotten, like life continued on as if nothing ever happened. Occasionally, she will feel guilty or embarrassed that she still thinks about her baby so often. She may feel pressured from other people around her to “get over it.“

This is when your friend needs to know that you remember, and you care. A hugely

image source

encouraging moment for me was receiving this text from one of my best friends:
“I just wanted to tell you that you’ve been on my mind today. I know this month would have been baby’s due date month, and I want you to know I’m praying for you!” I also received several cards and messages from people on Mother’s Day, acknowledging that I’m a mom even though I don’t have a baby on earth.

You bringing up your friend’s baby is not going to make her suddenly remember her loss and get sad. Believe me, her baby is never far from her mind; you aren’t going to remind her of something she’s forgotten. On the contrary, you talking about her baby will mean the world to her! It’s just good to know that someone else remembers and cares.

 

Have you had the opportunity to encourage someone after a loss? How did it go or what did you learn from it? 
Mamas who have lost babies – what else would you add to this list? What has someone done for you that was especially encouraging?